Category: About Life (Page 1 of 2)

October 4, 2025 / Elise Carlson / 0 Comments

Earlier this year, I saw a post on Bsky complaining about someone with ADHD ‘treating them badly,’ by not contacting them for months. To me, a person with ADHD, that’s like criticising a blind person for being vision impaired. The post suggested that maybe that person should not be in a relationship with someone who has ADHD. Because they have zero understanding of how ADHD impacts that person, and they don’t know what they signed up for by being in that relationship. In this blog, I’d like to note some of my major ADHD traits and how they can impact my relationships. I hope this helps increase awareness among neurotypical people in relationships with ADHDers. And I hope it helps provide clarity for fellow ADHDers, for ADHD Awareness Month and beyond.

Time Blindness, To When I Last Saw You

The reason I said criticising a person with ADHD for not contacting you for say six months (which is not super long time for someone with ADHD), is because of time blindness. I can feel like I saw that person recently. It was a few weeks ago, or a couple of months, or three, or something like that. I don’t actually know how long it was. I’d have to almost literally get out a calendar and count weeks/ months. And yes, it WILL be longer than I thought, possibly double or even triple the time. I often simply do not perceive how much time has passed.

The other half of time blindness is when I work out that I haven’t called one of my parents for two or three months and have been meaning to. “I must call them,” I think. Then I get busy, distracted. Again, I think, “I must call them.” Its only a week I’ve been meaning to call them? Or was it two? Three? Oh dear, it might have been more like six!

Time Blindness, To Me

Its not that time doesn’t exist. To me its more like anything beyond a week is abstract and increasing vagueness. I can perceive the passage of two weeks, three, a month as if they are exactly the same passage of time. They feel it and I recall them the same way as each other. I can go weeks, even months without properly perceiving time.

So it may be that I’ve no idea if it was weeks or months since I saw you last. I feel like it was four weeks, but it could have been four months. Its not that I don’t care about you. Its that to me it hasn’t been much time at all. So I don’t miss you yet and I’m not rushing to my phone to contact you.

How Can You Perceive Months as Weeks?

Hyper Focus

I can only focus on and do one big thing properly at a time. I can teach students that day, or I can work on my novel that day. It doesn’t matter that I have three hours where I’m not teaching or running errands. I cannot hold all the teaching and student knowledge, and all my characters, world building and plot knowledge in my head on the same day. Or any of five working days of the week, when I was teaching full time. When its the working week; I am thinking about work. I barely give a thought to people I don’t live with, who aren’t relevant to work. There is very little space in my head for them too; my head is stuffed full.

ADHD Sensory Overload & Not Thinking of You

Another thing to be aware of for people with ADHD, is that we, as the psychologist who diagnosed me explained it; do not filter out excess information properly; ever. The extent to which we notice EVERYTHING, every moment, all day long, varies between people with ADHD (and energy levels etc). But in my kitchen, if I look at the floor, I perceive every single crumb, or tiny drip of whatever. All of them, all at once. When I’m in a room full of people, I hear every single voice. All at once. If people are standing close enough to me, I can partly listen to two conversations simultaneously. Sometimes its hard not to.

So as a primary school teacher, I spend my whole day aware of every child and their every movement. And the placement of chairs not pushed in, of objects not put away… around there I hit sensory overload. Sometimes students leave the room and THEN I notice they left rubbish on the floor. And that’s just the visual overload. Again, I can hear them all talking. I notice that child seems unwell. That one is tired and that one is upset. That one needs social support to work with their group, that one is too loud, that one is unfocused.
(Yes, I also have autism and it can be hard to tell the difference between ‘ADHD sensory and information overload’ and ‘autistic sensory overload,’ if such a distinction exists.)

ADHD, Cognitive Overload & Not Thinking of You

My entire day at work is an endless stream of excessive sensory information. And that doesn’t account for conversations. I hear everything that child said about why they struggled with the task, or to work in a group. And I notice their body language, and their word choices, and what they didn’t say. Then I inferred and I reasoned. I drew conclusions. And I might do this for at least one student, possibly three or four, every hour of all five hours I teach a day. (No, this is not the core focus of what I’m teaching or checking the learning of all twenty something students on, this is on top of that.)

By the end of my work day, especially if I didn’t take my ADHD medication, hell on a busy day, even if I did; I am at sensory input overload. I am at cognitive processing of information overload. All I want is to come home, sit on the couch, or go for a walk and zone out. I need to rest and recharge. The last thing I am thinking about is that friend or family member I haven’t called, for I don’t know how long.

Object (& Concept) Permanence

Now you’ve got a clearer understanding of how overloaded I am when I come home from work, imagine how I’d react if the first thing you ask me is, “Did you do thing?” At this point I am so overloaded that I have no idea what you’re talking about. I don’t even remember that we own a bicycle. Why on Earth would I have thought to pump up its tyres?

People with ADHD often joke that we forget things exist, or that concepts, or social practices, even practical solutions for physical or digital problems exist. I cannot begin to tell you how many times I figured out the hard way to solve a problem. A big part of it is being so overloaded that all the sensory and cognitive information starts to overflow from my brain. I cannot hold onto it, I cannot be aware of it.

Worst case scenario, I’m so overloaded that I don’t even recall which strategies I already tried to solve the problem. I can alternate between attempting multiple already failed strategies, multiple times, and continue not solving the problem over and over. As you may imagine, the latter is overwhelming, stressful, FRUSTRATING and tends to lead me to autistic meltdowns.

Regular Overload =Regular Forgetfulness

When I am writing my novel at home, the sense of everything I need to recall about characters, and world building and plot is too much and is flowing out of my brain, which cannot hold it all, is my cue to take a lunch break. Or to go for a walk/ or exercise to clear my head. I hit this point regularly on writing days my twenties, and often in my thirties. It was part of my standard writing routine. I would write until I forgot who was where, doing what, why or what I intended to come next. I would write myself into a state of total cognitive overload, on a daily basis, on school holidays.

At that stage I cannot properly recall or think about anything. I’m in a state of increasingly worse ADHD brain fog and executive dysfunction. A state of extreme forgetfulness. Now is not the time to talk to you about anything that matters. I may not even make sense when I talk to you. And I definitely cannot meaningfully, let alone accurately, process what you are saying.

For me exercise works at this point because I allow myself to totally and utterly forget everything. Its like freeing up space on an overcrowded hard drive, lightening the cognitive load so my brain can function again. (At this point my autistic desire to stick to the plan, which is to finish the one big project for that day, kicks in, and I am still not picking up the phone and calling you. I attempting to write again. After that; I need rest because I have cognitively exhausted myself, again).

Overload, Stress & Cognitive Inability

Imagine you didn’t know all the above me. I’m so overloaded I can’t tell you half of anything I know about literally anything. I can barely think straight. And you make a demand of me. I might burst into tears, throw my hands up in the air, tell you to leave me alone or otherwise snap back at you. It may seem like an emotional outburst that comes out of nowhere. It isn’t (though it does resemble my autistic meltdowns, which are also usually caused by cognitive overload and me being unable to do something I REALLY want done, hours ago, because of it).

As a blunt autistic person I might tell you some of the above. I may straight out tell you, “I cannot talk about this thing now because my brain is not working properly.” It isn’t that you don’t matter. Nor is it that I don’t value you or the thing. It is that I cognitively cannot right now.

I would like to note at this point that I have been told by many people that I’m very articulate. I’m very able to say how things are for me and I have a very clear understanding of myself. Its likely that the ADHD (or autistic) person in your life, or you yourself, if its you! are not (yet/ ever) so clear. So I say all this to raise possibilities and make you aware of what could be going on, in your interactions with/ as an ADHD person.

Distraction & Routine -Still Haven’t Called You

Honestly, the only reason I don’t regularly go a year or more without contacting friends and family I genuinely like/ love/ want to spend time with, is because I’m a primary school teacher. Luckily in Australia, that means my working year is divided into quarters, with at least two week breaks between each. That means I have two weeks of not hitting sensory and info overload every work day. And I’m not spending every evening and most of my weekends recharging. So I can stop and think; who did I last see when? Who do I need to contact?

(This is also when I do personal chores that are not day to day, and periodic jobs like spring cleaning.) If my parents don’t contact me or organise something with me, and its left for me to initiate; I would see them four times a year.

Another factor in this is routine. Somewhere along the way (the habit was damaged by several years of chronic illness after long covid), my routine became contact and catch up every school holidays. Try and keep an eye on time and not go more than two months without seeing, or at least calling my parents. When those routines/ habits are disrupted, ADHD distractibility keeps me busy.

Distractibility -Its not That You Don’t Matter

I can’t tell you how many times said I would do something for someone, and then did it hours or days later than I said. And that’s possibly with reminders from them because I totally forgot (multiple times).

In-the-moment things other people want of me, that I cannot immediately do, are a CHALLENGE to recall the existence of, let alone actually do. (Yes, even if I did take my ADHD meds that day.) For example, the little request a child took five seconds to make of me immediately gets pushed aside by five other students needing things I take thirty minutes to provide them with. The five second request doesn’t even enter my short term memory (unless I write it down). I ‘recalled’ it no longer than it took the student to say it, and me to think, “I must do that thing.”

For bigger, more important things, it could be that I fully intended to help plan that holiday with you. But I was busy, and sensory and information overloaded during my working week. There wasn’t enough time away from that, to exercise and clear my head. To dump out the work stuff and properly think about and help you plan that holiday. Yes, including on the weekend. You matter, the holiday matters; so I want to plan it properly; when I’m focused. Not when overloaded and with my brain split in multiple directions to meet other deadlines.

Responsibility and Realistic Expectations

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying, “I didn’t do this because ADHD, therefore its fine and nothing more is required of me.” I am saying how hard it is. How much energy, effort and discipline, and ultimately sheer stubbornness it takes to work around sensory overload, around cognitive overload, and time blindness, to stop hyper focusing on the big important thing I really need to get done… to pick up the phone and call you. Its a ‘small, simple thing’ and the straw that broke the camel’s back. Or I manage to set aside my cognitive load and make that call, but it takes A LOT of effort. It takes time to meet my deadlines, finish other big things and give you/ the thing you want done my full attention, as I wish to. It will happen, with me organising us catching up, but less often than you may anticipate or want. Guaranteed.

If that doesn’t work for you, if you cannot accept that, then you cannot except me the way I am. And I do not think it is constructive for us to be in a relationship. It will only hurt you, or frustrate you, and strain our relationship. And I will feel bad, and frustrated at myself for letting you down, or frustrated at you for expecting me to wave a magic wand to instantly meet your expectations. Or mad because you think its fine to expect me to push myself to my limits to overcome all of the above obstacles, to ensure I call you fortnightly (hold your breath waiting for that and you will die!) Especially when it appears I’m putting in triple the effort to what you are, and you feel entitled to my two thirds of extra effort.

Final Note On Feelings & Positive Relationships

I’m lucky; I’m stubborn. And pig headed. I know exactly what I will and will not stand for. But a lot of neurodiverse people can be the opposite. Autistic and or ADHD people can very be sensitive to how our cations impact others. A lot of ADHD people can anxious about if they stuffed something up, or put the other person out. Both my GP and psychiatrist paused during my diagnostic appointment to note how unusual it is that I don’t struggle with anxiety. That is very much the norm for people with ADHD.

And while I have calmly, and perhaps bluntly and articulately told you how many of aspects of my ADHD can impact me in my relationships; other ADHD (and autistic) people will feel differently. Many are likely to behave differently. Anxiety and stress are common responses to living with ADHD, particularly when overload hits, and or when you forgot that a super important thing you didn’t do yet exists.

My big point here is what you see of an ADHD person in your life/ of yourself, especially if, like me, you diagnosed late in life; may be the tip of the iceberg. Assume there is more going on than you can see (in your relationship with all humans, period!) There may be more going on than the ADHD (or autistic) person in your life is aware of themself, or is able to articulate, including how they feel about it. If you value them, and your relationship with them; be prepared to navigate that, to some extent, together. Be prepared to ask questions, to get answers, or not. And for God’s sake, check in on each other’s feelings!

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Comments & Conversation

During End Stage Capitalism, the far right’s rise and with climate becoming catastrophic, no one has lots of energy. It feels like we go onto social media and post comments. And sometimes we comment on someone’s comment about how we agree with their comment.

Or we don’t have the energy to talk. So we like comments, or just like posts of people we know, to say ‘I see you.’ Then we log off. And that little social hole, that need for human connection that may have brought us onto social media that day, goes unfulfilled.

Disclaimer: I’m not a social commentator, a psychologist etc. I’m an author, a primary school teacher, the admin of multiple discords and a social media user of nine years, commenting from personal experience. My experience is that I miss is the connection of having proper, sustained, two way conversation online. I miss the multi-people conversations that tag game or Follow Friday tweets led to when Twitter was home to the Writing Community. I miss having an ongoing conversation with even one person, especially ones good enough that when the other person woke up on the far side of the world, they’d reply, and the conversation would continue the next day.

Comments & Conversation,
from a Neurodiverse Perspective

Don’t get me wrong. I’m multiply queer, neurodiverse and chronically ill. Reading other people’s posts to help self diagnose my neurodiversity (and yes even my chronic illness, before I found a doctor informed about long covid and fibro and competent enough to do so), has been invaluable to my health and wellbeing.

I’ve had many conversations with neurodiverse people who self (and did or didn’t get professionally) diagnosed later in life. We’ve lived our entire lives in a world that expects us to think, behave and communicate in ways that are unnatural to us. We’ve had to function in environments we can find extremely overstimulating, even inaccesible. So reading about other people’s neurodiverse challenges and what has helped them to navigate a world designed for neurotypical people, which operated as though everyone is neurotypical, has been valuable to me.

But the most valuable conversations were in DM groups, or on Discord. The back and forth exchanges, where multiple people weigh in with their experiences, we make connections, notice differences and spot patterns. Conversations where everyone walks away with a better understanding of their own and other’s neurodivergence than they began with. Those conversations are invaluable in forming meaningful connections and they’re emotionally fulfilling.

And I’ve found less and less of them on social media of late. (Which is my Writers and Authors Discord also channels for discussing neurodiverse and disabled life.)

Identity Politics & Isolation

With certain factions trying to blame rising cost of living, housing affordability, hell, even storms on certain identity groups, and trans people under attack to distract from how shit certain governments are, I think there’s also an isolation factor on social media. Its only natural in such a hostile environment for trans people and our allies to band together and defend ourselves by public post. Autistic and disabled people threatened by the most obscenely incompetent health minister to disgrace the world stage are also constantly clustering to counter attacks, and to dispute bullshit that’s being spouted about us. And the usual racism is being dialled up, as I’m well aware of, given literal nazis assaulted Aboriginal people at an Aboriginal scared site in my city on the weekend.

All of these attacks, this politics based on rival identities; haters and hated, I feel like it corals us into tribal identity groups, of identities and their supporters. More and more often this year, I’ve posted not just as a human, but as a nonbinary human, or an autistic human, or a chronically ill human. Sometimes I do that to intentionally share snippets of my existence, for people who share my identity to relate to, or to give small insights to people who don’t. But this year I feel that I post as a person, irrespective of identities, much less often.

Reacting to Reality/ Happy/ Too Tired?

‘Everyone’ is online, but this year also feels more hit and miss when posting is mainly comments. At any given moment you may be responding seriously and angrily to shit happening in your part of the world, or another. Or you’re taking a break and happy posting. Or you’re too tired to engage or be online much. And plenty of us are doing any of those three at different times. Its like three different moods which tend to mean you don’t connect (or connect weakly) with people in either of the two moods you’re not in, at any given time.

And even when you see a post you’re in the same mood as, and respond, its probably just a single reply. Maybe they reply to you once. That’s it. No one seems to be posting questions anymore. When they do among writers, its a prompt. And each individual individually reposts the prompt with a comment. And someone might write one comment back. More and more, I feel like we’re talking at each other, instead of to each other.

In my case, my favourite thing used to be asking other people questions in my posts and replying to other people’s questions. I rarely have the energy these days, not least because of my combination of chronic illness, ADHD and autism. I wonder if lack of questions, lack of ongoing conversations and mass comment posting/ mass talking at each other is largely because other people are too TIRED and low on energy, and or time.

Conversations & My Writers & Authors Discord

I’d love to say I’m writing this blog because I have a whizzbang solution to help people meaningfully connect, and have socially connecting, emotionally fulfilling conversations on social media. Alas, for public posting I do not. But I do have a Writers & Authors Discord. I wanted a place for two way exchanges, for multiple people to trade notes. Not just about writing, querying or publishing, but life as our queer/ neurodiverse/ disabled or their BIPOC selves.

Discord Channels to Foster Connection

That’s why I created a Writer’s and Authors Discord in July, and made channels not just for writing and indie authoring, but for genres; SFF, Horror/ Dark Themes, Romance, Mystery/Thriller/Crime and Kidlit. And for writers to connect with challenges writing and publishing, or just in their daily lives as; queer, neurodiverse, disabled people, BIPOC or Over 50’s.

While there can be an assumption that online spaces are America-centric, as an Australian I’m well aware that’s not the case. So I also made region channels on the Writers and Author’s Discord; Australia & NZ, the rest of the Asia-Pacific, Europe & UK, Canada, US.

The reason I have three whole categories on Writers and Authors Discord based around identity is that’s three potential identities anyone joining the server can go to meaningfully connect with people like them. Then all of us can come together to answer questions about writing craft, indie author publishing, marketing, querying etc. Everyone has channels they feel they belong on, and with a venting channel and good news too; everyone has somewhere to go on the server to have their emotional, as well as social needs met.

Fellow writer? You can join the Writers & Authors Discord here.

Writers & Authors, text over steel nibed, dip into inkwell era pen, writing on lined paper. Photo credit Aaron Burden. — Photo credit: Aaron Burden

Where Did the Fun Go?

I know, to be blunt, lots of things are some degree of fucked right now. A lot of very important causes are competing for our time and energy, and if whole nations and in some places the planet don’t collectively attend to them; we’re fucked. But you can’t spend all your free hours thinking, worrying and doomscrolling about shit being fucked up. Its like when someone you love dies; you can’t just be sad all day every day. At some point you’ve got to do something you enjoy, and feel good, even smile.

I think a big casualty of Twitter dying/ morphing into a nazi zombie and fragmenting many community groups made up of individuals across social media, has been the playfulness I saw back on Twitter. Occasionally I’d tweet something quite serious, and a complete stranger would come on and say something very witty, very much taking the piss out of the topic I raised (with apology for doing so but they couldn’t resist). And on reading their reply, I would burst into laughter and thank them for their valuable contribution to the discussion 😉 .

A few times I hosted #WritersHouseParty, where writers would volunteer to be tagged into a thread, and we’d all jump on with silly party gifs. We’d have silly conversations, and gif wars and I’d be chatting on 15 different threads and nearly two hours behind in responding to my exploding notifications. It was hectic, and silly and sometimes stupidly late in my timezone. But those are some of my best memories of Twitter, circa 2019.

Can We Still Have Fun?

With so much tension in multiple communities and parts of the world, I find its very challenging to just be playful and have fun via social media post. My feeds are such a mix of light hearted fluffy posts, serious politics, outrage at news articles etc, that I never know what the tone of my feeds will be and if any of it will match my mood. I feel like to know you’re in a fun space, it kind of needs to be a dedicated space.

Again, the best solution I can offer is Discord. Because any channel can clearly indicate whether that’s a serious or a silly, or a light hearted conversation space. And you can mute any channel that isn’t going to match your mood/ interests/ suit your needs. Alas, I don’t think the best fun of my Twitter days is something that can be replicated. Novelty was part of what made it do great fun at the time.

SFF Appreciation Discord

One small thing that has brought me joy, and let me just forget about all the shit going on for a time, has been talking about my favourite SFF shows and books. Its something I struggled to do via public post, because everyone has different tastes. But with only 8 people on my SFF Appreciation Discord, we’ve already got three people who LOVE the same show (Aussie SpecFic, Nowhere Boys. Yes, it has its own channel now.)

I’ve created this Discord with channels to talk about what you’re watching, what you’re reading, favourite characters, diverse rep, world building etc. There’s also channels for authors to seek beta readers, or ARC readers. And to make or seek book recommendations. If you enjoy reading or viewing (yes audio books count!) Fantasy, general SpecFic or SciFi, you’re welcome to chat about them on Elise’s Books & SFF Appreciation server.
(Yes, a couple of channels promote my books, those being a portal, epic YA fantasy trilogy and a SciFi-Fantasy series.)

Elise's Books & SFF Appreciation Discord, back ground a ship sailing between two high cliffs, towards sunshine, on bright blue waters. Art by GlintofMischief. — Art Credit: GlintofMischief

Writer Community

While I’ve found by far the easiest way to get to know fellow writers these days is by conversation on the same writer discord, there’s also also weekly chats on Bsky. These give you a fair chance of interacting with the same people on a semi regular (I doubt any of us attend the same chat every single week 😉 ) basis, each beginning with an intro post (it doesn’t hurt your followers to learn more about you from those either). Then you’ve got 3-4 questions to answer about your wip/ writing, and can respond and make connections to other people’s responses, the best time to do so being 1-2 hours after the chat starts.

I’ve linked quite a few chats (and some prompts, though that list is definitely not exhaustive) in the Writer Section of my Bsky Newby Guide. It also lists multiple feeds for writers, to help you find the posts of more individual writers.

If you’re on Mastodon, some great daily prompts to respond to and meet people on are; #WritersCoffeeClub, #WordWeavers and #ScribesandMakers.

Concluding Remark

I know my focus has been social media here, but as we all seem more and more addicted to it/ our phones these days, a reminder to physically spend time with people you love. To get into the outdoors for some peace and quiet, and the calming effect of trees and greenery. To listen to music (I do not do this often enough), to do whatever exercise you can, and take care, as we navigate this shocker of years.

Apparently We’re Being Censored

Shadow Bans

If you don’t follow indie creators on Bsky, you may have missed the social media maelstrom of angry, confused reactions over the past week. You may not know the indie gamer store Itch, has become a haven for queer, neurodiverse and disabled indie authors, in particular. Itch is the one place many of us are actually having people buy our ebooks, despite many of us having little or no money to pay to advertise books. Importantly, it was the one space we felt our works were truly valued for their queerness.

So when we jumped on Bsky to see posts saying books had been shadow banned, meaning our books are on the Itch store, but some do not display in its searches, there was confusion. Creators were shocked and angry at Itch giving us no prior warning. Only after the fact did Itch issue this statement.

In short, creators were told by Itch that a charity/ advocacy group called Collective Shout campaigned to pressure Mastercard and Visa not to process payment of ‘certain content.’ Itch appears have shadow banned all content tagged ‘NSWF’ and perhaps also ‘Adult’ in response. (As of the 29/7/25, the former is confirmed by the Australian Guardian.)

Total Content Bans (Edited 30/7/25)

A few days later, Itch released a new content policy (listed under ‘Is Adult Content Allowed?’) The clause which had me concerned about them allowing my book to be for sale after their review (the reason for the shadow ban/ indexing is; “We are unable to support the sale of any works containing these topics: Non-consensual content (real or implied)…’

This phrase is problematic. If it came directly from Collective Shout, who describe themselves as anti-porn, I’d assume the clause means ‘non consensual sexual content.’ But the word ‘sexual’ isn’t in that clause. And the phrase after it is ‘no underage or barely legal themes.’ These are broad, sweeping clauses, currently worded in a manner that is in no way limited to sexual assault or rape.

Censorship Gone Mad? A Cautionary Tale?

Characters in fiction don’t normally consent to being murdered, assaulted, robbed, cheated on by their spouses, betrayed, lied to, deceived, enslaved, killed in battle, etc. ‘Non consensual content’ as a blanket ban statement is ludicrous. The genres ‘Murder Mystery’ and ‘Crime’ would be wholesale banned, many Fantasy and SciFi books and games, and Thrillers; gone. Your middle of the line contemporary family drama wouldn’t be available on Itch; if they enforce this policy in its current wording.

What was the Purpose of the Censorship?

NSWF Censorship? (Added 30/7/25)

Having seen Itch’s replies and interactions to this post in a Bsky thread, and Collective Shout’s open letter to the payment processors, I am reassured that the phrase ‘non consensual content’ is intended to contain the word ‘sexual,’ though its current wording appears very broad.

Update July 31: Itch are seeking new payment processors, who are friendlier to NSWF content, because their new adult content policy was imposed on them by payment processors Stripe and Paypal. Content creators of 18+ content (all, not just sexual) can no longer select Stripe as their payment processor for Itch. Which suggests to me that Stripe is opposed to all adult content.

Update August 2nd: Itch’s naming choice ‘Adult Content’ and Stripe using ‘NSWF’ and ‘adult’ as synonyms (no, my autistic brain does NOT consider ‘adult’ to be inherently ‘sexual’ because; it literally isn’t), suggests Itch’s ‘Adult Content policy’ means: sexual content policy. That the word ‘sexual’ does apply to every clause and that it does not restrict all M+ content. (Note from an autistic person to anyone who communicates with other humans: use words that literally mean what you literally mean!)

Queer Censorship? (Added 31/7/25)

There were reports of Itch removing LGBTQIA+ works which do not contain the NSWF tag and fears that the ‘LGBT’ tag was targeted by de-indexing. I am aware of several instances (from this Bsky thread) where SWF works were de-indexed because they were tagged, ‘adult’ or ‘sensitive content,’ which Itch removed in case it was NSWF. Itch has restored most of the examples in this thread.

Update Aug 2nd: This late in the game, formed under fears all NSWF and possibly queer content was or could in future be banned, has already sparked the formation of indie collective Conjured Ink. Its aim is to create a catalogue of indie works (especially queer and NSWF) that doesn’t share Itch’s vulnerability to payment processor censorship. And its website went live for creator sign ups today.

Collective Shout &Trans People
(Edited 30/7 & 4/8/25)

Who are Collective Shout? As their About Page tells you, they are a ‘a grassroots campaigns movement against the objectification of women and the sexualisation of girls.’ They’ve done some good work, like getting Andrew Tate, the notorious Manosphere ‘pick up’ artist’s content banned on Spotify. I note this because its evidence of a group of feminists acting in a way that’s likely to actually make the world safer for women. Their campaign wins seem to indicate this is their intent.

Why do I doubt Collective Shout? Because the year is 2025, and there are ‘feminist groups’ in the UK who, instead of taking actions to reduce actual violence against women, are waging war on trans rights in the name of ‘protecting women’. This despite a 2021 survey finding that only 0.01% of people aged over 16 in England and Wales identify as trans men, and again, only 0.01% of over 16’s in England and Wales identify as trans women. It appears to me that these TERFs wish to hold 0.02% of the UK population accountable for 100% of its violence against women.

Groups like Sex Matters have pushed for bathroom bans in the UK. This looks a lot like denying trans people the dignity of using public bathrooms, effectively discouraging trans people from participating in public life. (See JamieDodger for more on this). And the director of Sex Matters just launched a book praising such work in the UK and arguing that they should be proud to be called ‘TERF Island’. That book is being published and promoted by Spinafex press, which was co-founded by Collective Shout’s co-founder, Renate Klein.

Collective Shout TERF Agenda? (Edited 4/8/25)

So a co-founder of Collective shout runs a press that is platforming a leader of the UK anti-trans movement, and her press is promoting a book that praises attacks on trans rights. In the same month Renate’s Press published that book, Collective Shout went after an obscure indie games and book store, on a distant corner of the internet (Itch). One that just happened to have a high ratio of trans creators selling their works on it.

In this this interview, PressSpaceToJump surveyed 25 creators whose works were de-indexed on Itch. Twelve of them were trans. Several of them made their living from sales on Itch. Of all the places Collective Shout could go to reduce the ‘objectification of women and sexualisation of girls,’ why did they choose Itch (and not just larger store Steam? Is it coincidence that censoring Itch was likely to censor trans creators?

An ABC article reported Dr Keogh, a researcher at QUT Digital Media Research Centre take as, “Collective Shout’s campaign had the hallmarks of a moral panic, using extreme examples to galvanise public support.” And quoted him, “And that’s really just a smokescreen to remove a much, much broader range of content, which includes primarily queer content and trans content.”

Given the TERF agenda platforming above, I’m inclined to suspect Dr Keogh is right. And that Collective Shout’s claims about its agenda are untrustworthy. (Collective Shout’s founder won’t even disclose her religion, for fear it would taint her advocacy work. I wonder if fear of people applying the ‘Christo-fascist’ label to her and the impact that could have on her work that she fears.)

Where Does Collective Shout Get its Funding?
(Added Aug 8)

According to the Australian Charities and Not for Profits Commission (ACNC), Collective Shout’s total revenue is $458,000. Despite the age of the charity (it was founded in 2009), that’s impressive for a charity who gets 80% of its income from donations, whose website to this day has a monthly reach of just 3,000 people (sourced from Ahrefs website visits tracker), which Ahrefs estimates earns them around $58 a month.

I’m Australian. I had heard of Collective Shout. No other Aussies I’ve spoken to have. Its not like they do door knocking, or set up stands in shopping centres, asking for donations, like other charities. So where did this money come from? And why does RocketReach, a company whose business is built on corporate networking, estimate Collective Shout’s revenue to be 6.4 million? (I’ll leave it to journalists to verify that statistic.)

Even if RocketReach made a gross error with its revenue statistic, this still looks like several hundred thousand dollars came from nowhere. Personally, I don’t trust any organisation in the year of fascism’s return to the west 2025, who’s pushing censorship, if I don’t know who funds them. If I don’t know where the money came from; I don’t know who’s agenda its being used to push.

Global Censorship Context

2025 does not feel like a safe time time for any one organisation to soley impose censorship on the sale and distribution of creative content. Or for a mere a thousand emails to have payment processors censoring what adults can buy. It was enough to prompt the Trans Femine Review to, in their post about all this, link their guide to protecting trans and diverse books. And Collective Shout’s campaign against Itch and Steam as far from an isolated move towards increasing censorship.

Updates August 4th

Melinda Tankard Reist (Collective Shout’s founder) addressed a Federal Inquiry to support age limits on Social Media in Australia in July 2024 and has been very much involved in this process.

Australia introduced age verification rules for Microsoft and Google in June 2025.

Canada introduce a bill to ‘protect young people from pornography’ to parliament in June 2025.

Meanwhile multiple US states have or were proposing age verification in June 2025, including KOSA, which passed the senate July 30th.

Collective Shout sent their letter to payment processors that triggered Itch and Steam censorship in July 2025.

On July 25th, the Uk launched age verification for social media users.

The broader backdrop of Collective Shout’s censorship push is a push by anglo nations to ‘protect children against porn,’ something Collective Shout’s site claims to be passionate about. And this ‘protect kids against porn’ movement is coinciding with fascism being firmly established in the US, and gaining ground in the UK. I don’t mean to sound like a conspiracy theorist, but this extensive set of ‘remarkable’ coincidences makes me wonder if Collective Shout is a pawn, or worse, collaborator, in a larger censorship game.

Text: Elise Carlson, Walking the Knife's Edge. Sythe Series, Book1.Rarkin stands in foreground, wearing leather jacket and jeans, holding a stun gun raised to shoot to the left.Miona stands on the right, smiling and with boxing gloved fists raised, ready to fight.They both stand on a grassy slope, a patchwork of Farm Zone paddocks, fields and tree lined streams behind them, to a cloud covered horizon through which the yellow glow of the sun shines. — (Yes, my book was shadow banned before it was even published, and is still on pre-order.)

If You don’t Write Non-Consensual;
You Can’t Fight it

Update July 30: One of the clauses of Itch’s updated content policy, the only evidence I had for two days about why my book was shadow banned, was a clause prohibiting ‘non consensual content.’ As explained above, without the word ‘sexual’ in this clause, it read so broadly that it raised multiple issues for my book.

My main character Rarkin did not consent to being raised by an abusive father, who constantly undermines Rarkin’s worth. And Rarkin’s mother didn’t consent to being abused by her husband.

And you know what? Rarkin’s father didn’t consent to being assaulted by his father. Just like Rarkin’s mother didn’t consent to being abused by her father. That’s how the cycle of family violence works.

Many people are privileged enough to not have lived experience of this. If you’re going to write a book that says, ‘This character had an unhappy childhood,’ then launch into who that character is now… A. as someone who spent the formative years of their childhood watching abuse and neglect destroy kids I went to school with; if you didn’t live it, you do not know and cannot hope to understand it by many other experiences you could have had. And B. if you don’t know what you’re fighting, then you don’t know how to fight it, and you cannot truly appreciate why it matters.

Silence is Violence

The above was a phrase used by Mene Wyatt, an Aboriginal Australian, in a powerful monologue about Australian racism. He’s absolutely right. Never talking about unpleasant, dark, scary things, like the child abuse in my book Walking the Knife’s Edge, is akin to pretending those unpleasant things don’t happen. Like not talking about people trafficking, rape, or the disgustingly small sentences male sex offenders receive, on the rare occasions they’re prosecuted at all.

When we constantly don’t talk about awful things that are happening, its like we pretend they aren’t. Like we sweep them under the rug. Its like Gaza, where you don’t want to look, because its awful, and you feel powerless to stop it.

The thing is; if most people aren’t talking about it, most people aren’t doing anything to stop it. You can’t bring about societal change, you can’t end violence against women or children (or BIPOC or LGBTQIA+ people) once and for all, with inaction.

Why Telling Rarkin’s Story in my Banned Book MATTERS

I’m an author. One who is physically disabled (fibromyalgia), who is both enhanced and impaired by autism and ADHD. As a disabled person, there are a lot of things I physically cannot do to make many aspects of this world a better place. One thing I can do is tell a story about a poor kid from the wrong side of town, who grew up holding it all in, with emotionally toxic coping strategies, because he had no other role modelling. I can represent CPTSD, the impact of trauma and stress on memory, on trust and relationships. I can have a character question his family, as he tries to understand himself, taking a lens to the cycle of family violence and to toxic masculinity.

I can go further. I can take a character who’s ultimately at risk of suicide, or being a crime lord. I can craft his healing journey, combatting his warped, toxic views of the world with the influence of happier, healthier humans he’s very grateful to have as friends.

I can give teenagers who ignore this book’s adult classification, and are fighting the same battle as Rarkin himself, the chance to see themself in a book. To have someone, for once in their life, show that I SEE them. I know they exist. Even better, I can write a character recovering from the very things threatening their mental health and their future.

I can show them there’s an out. There are ways. There are reasons for hope.

The Power Of Fiction

I’m me. I didn’t survive growing up with the challenge of clashing with an autistic parent who’s neurodiversity did not understand mine, of navigating early adulthood with no concept of organisation, or navigation as a time blind ADHDer, I DID NOT get long covid, and be incapable of writing for nine months to merely give my readers hope. I am not here just to make you feel.

I did that in Ruarnon Trilogy, which tells the story of a bunch of teens whose various neurodiversity’s quite literally help them to save a world. I explored unique strengths of autism and ADHD, especially the two working together in that trilogy’s main character.

With Rarkin, the greatest strength is his experiences of growing up with violence and trauma. His survival instincts and his capacity to understand, to stand up to people others are terrified of, are exactly what will position him to play a leading role in his world. The very weaknesses that nearly destroyed him, as low as he begins this story, that is how far he will come and how high he will rise.

I want readers who’ve lived Rarkin’s shittier experiences of life to have the chance to feel seen by his story. And I want them and every other reader to be blown away by it. But there is no way I can show you how far Rarkin comes across a series, if I cannot show you how it all begins, with shadow banned on Itch, book one.

What Now?

Should you see an organisation making a concerted attempt to prevent someone from telling their story, ask yourself; who are they silencing? Who and how does that silence harm, as well as help? No one’s going to shout about the ‘harm’ part, and with fascism on the rise, acts of censorship where harm is the point are ever more likely.

Register Your Complaints

Tell Mastercard, Visa and Stripe that it is not for them to decide whether adults can sell or purchase (legal) adult content.
See YellAtMoney for Mastercard, Visa, and Itch’s payment processors Stripe and Paypal’s phone numbers, mailboxes and emails. (That link includes advice, scripts and resources you might want to refer to in your contact at the bottom of the page.) You’ll find even more payment processors and their contact details on stop.paypros
Why? Because if an organisation can pressure payment processors for the right reasons, then an organisation can pressure them for the wrong reasons. And 2025 has been a spectacular display of wrong ‘reasons’.

Protect Diverse Books

First they came for porn, then NSWF, then queer and trans and all diverse creator’s content? To secure your own access to books by diverse creators, or even better, to safeguard books by trans and other diverse authors, even the hyperlinked contents menu of this article by Transfeminine Review will help.

If you’re looking for more books by diverse authors and about diverse humans, keep an eye on Itch bundles being advertised on Bsky. Particularly when its Pride Month, Nonbinary Awareness Week, Disability Pride Month, ADHD Awareness Month, Asexual Awareness Week etc. (Yes, I’ve got a book in a bundle for each of those latter two this October.) Books by marginalised authors and about marginalised characters are likely to be bundled during the month/ week/ on the international day for that identity group.

See also my Bsky lists of Marginalised Authors who sell books on Itch;

My book telling Rarkin’s story, Walking the Knife’s Edge, has been indexed on Itch and is available on Kobo, Barnes and Noble and other stores. Or request it at your local library!

Thanks for sticking with me to the end!

Sensory Challenges

Road Works, Construction & Obstructions

As navigator and driver, for me navigating unknown roads with roadworks is like navigating with one eye blindfolded and someone poking me repeatedly in the arm. My brain processes a row of cones, construction workers in their fluro clothes, trucks and other equipment as ‘big mass of stuff.’ I don’t want to look at ‘big mass of stuff’ because its overstimulating. So if the entrance to the venue, or my turn is next to or beside, behind or otherwise close to ‘big mass of stuff’… I struggle to process said venue/ turn’s existence.

I will miss the turn, because I’m so busy juggling not being overstimulated with not crashing into traffic moving at a different speed and direction, that I have zero processing power to perceive the second road. I’ll walk right past the entrance because I don’t see an entrance, just ‘shit ton of visual info, brain is jamming, look away!’

Obstruction Management Tip 1: Reduce Stimulation & Pressure

To locate the venue when roadworks, construction sites or other obstructions are present, I suggest navigating as near as you can by car. Then park the car. Now you don’t have to worry about crashing, so you can consult your phone and compare it to reality under less pressure. If you have to turn back into traffic and drive further; that’s fine. Its better than crashing. Its also better than a verbal argument with your navigator because you’re visually overstimulated and stressed.

Obstruction Management Tip 2: Reduce Stimulation & Pressure With Help

If your brain is already jammed with sensory overload, or fogged by covid, fibromyalgia or other condition, and you can’t connect your phone’s navigation directions to geographical reality… ask someone on the street. Or a customer service person in a shop.

Sometimes our brains fail us (I’ve navigated with moderate brain fog, moderate fatigue and severe ADHD and could barely navigate a supermarket, let alone New Zealand.) Don’t be hard on yourself, don’t persevere if your brain will not co-operate or is otherwise being an arse. Just ask someone else when its clear reality, your map and brain are not co-operating. This will save time, frustration and spare you the exhaustion of doing something very draining, because you’re attempting it while cognitively and or physically impaired.

For advice on minimising visual overstimulation at home, see this post.

Do You Have the Right Travel Companion?

To the able bodied, neurotypycal reader, if you’re travelling with someone who struggles with navigation/ overtimulation, and you struggle to be patient with that; I suggest don’t travel together. There are too many factors with the potential to cause tension, stress and frustration on both sides. If you don’t understand and or can’t be patient with the other person’s struggles; you’re likely making a challenging situation worse.

To the neurodivergent/ disabled reader, if you suspect your travel companion(s) do not understand why navigation is so difficult/ frustrating/ stressful for you; can you manage better on your own? I often travel solo, so I KNOW its more work. But depending how much strain travelling with a companion puts on you, is it ultimately less stressful/ less exhausting to travel solo? (You could just meet them at your destination.)

Navigation Communication Challenge: Noise

If you’re travelling with an autistic person, please bear in mind that we can hear you, and the conversation next to and behind us, and birds chirping and traffic and car horns and- If you are travelling with an ADHD person, they may be listening to you, then that song they love pumping out the window of a passing car, or something funny the person behind them said.

Communication Tip: Seek Quiet

For autism, be prepared to step into a quiet laneway, shop or somewhere less noisy, so the autistic person you’re speaking to is processing what you, and no one else is saying. We can’t receive the message ‘lets go into that museum’ when its competing with ‘(insert lyrics),’ ‘Mum I want an icecream!’, ‘Hi Steve!’ Bang, thud thud, DRILLL! from the construction site.

So to give an autistic (or ADHD) person the best chance to hear what you’re saying about where to go next; say it somewhere quiet. Turn off the radio. Ask the back seat passengers to stop speaking when a passenger is giving the driver directions.

Minimising noise makes audio directions or suggestions easier to access and respond to. It also saves you having to repeat yourself umpteen times every time you want to say, ‘I need to go to the toilet first.’

Sensory Overload

City’s are fun. They have buildings from many eras, and people from all over the world moving through their streets. They’re also busy, noisy and jam packed with visual information. I love walking city streets, listening to foreign accents, and taking photos of historic buildings. But as an AuDHD person; I NEED balance in my site seeing. I DO NOT WANT to site see in a busy, crowded, noisy city multiple days in a row. There comes a point where every hour I get tireder, more overloaded and more easily frustrated. Where city site seeing has become a tiring struggle to process ‘big wall of sound and visual info overload’.

Site Seeing V.S. Sensory Need Balance Tip

My favourite way to let my overstimulated brain and tense body relax, is to punctuate loud, crowded city site seeing with quieter, peaceful breaks. For example, spend 30 mins or more wandering a state library. Spend an afternoon at the zoo, or a morning wandering the city’s botanic gardens. I love gardens and animals, and tend to visit at least either in every city. I find it makes for calmer, more relaxed, more enjoyable travel.

View through grubby windscreen of a bend lined with protective metal fence, right pointing arrows, pretty gum trees and green slopes down to pale blue and cloudy horizon.

Avoiding ADHD Time-Fail Tax

Last year I navigated New Zealand’s North Island with moderate brain fog, moderate fatigue and severe (undiagnosed and unmedicated) ADHD. My biggest learning was; do NOT book morning anything unless staying within a 15 minute drive of that activity. I was one hours drive away from one activity, gave myself two hours to get there and still missed it. My ADHD got distracted, and missed a turn. Then I lost track of time, and drove 20 minutes beyond the turn before realising I’d missed it.

ADHD Booking & Time Tips

Use a Physical Calendar, with days of the week and dates labelled to write bookings on manually. (Days and dates DO NOT correlate in my brain and a device offers too many distractions. So I have an A4 weekly calendar notepad and its a huge help to my school holiday and travel planning.)

2. Dates: double check the month, year and 24 hour timing when you book. (Yes, I did drag my family to the air port 12 hours early to see me off the first time I flew to England. Better 12 hours early than 12 hours late!)

3. Timezones: check your device for local time before you plan your next step. Especially before you go buy food at an airport. (Yes, they may refer to flight number but not destination when changing your gate just before boarding. And not page you to the new gate when you don’t board on time).

Tours and Accomodation Tips

Morning Activities: Only book a morning anything, which doesn’t allow for mis-navigating the countryside, if you’re staying a SHORT distance from the morning activity.

Extra Time: If your drive is theoretically 30 minutes, give yourself AT LEAST one hour to get there. (To allow for factors you forgot to consider that could delay you, like traffic, road works, finding a car park etc.)

If there’s one thing you really want to do/ see, plan your trip so if there doesn’t end up being time for it today; you’ve got time tomorrow. Flexibility was essential to my last solo, unmedicated ADHD trip!

Low Spoons Travel (Pain/ Fatigue/ Chronic Illness)

I’ve just come back from a road trip with my mum. I put my back out on day one, just before we got in the car. Constant back pain quickly became fatigue. It mean difficulty getting in and out of the car and difficulty walking. It meant I burnt through energy quickly, and got tired and frustrated swiftly. These latter are things I have to be aware of all the time, because I have fibromyalgia, and that (permanently) predisposes me to brain fog, fatigue and chronic pain.

Low Energy Management; Snacks

Normally we try to cut back on snacks because we’re eating too much period, or too many calories. This DOES NOT apply to me when I travel. On my recent 9 day road trip, I didn’t just need breakfast, lunch and dinner. I either needed a substantial breakfast, lunch, afternoon tea and dinner, or breakfast, morning tea, lunch and dinner. Any one big physical activity, like an hour long walk, needed to be followed by eating and drinking. I might not notice I was hungry, but a meal made me feel better. Food and drink as fuel run out faster for me when I travel.

Low Energy; Pace Yourself

Even when my back recovered on my road trip, I still had to pace myself. If the slope was steep, or there were too many stairs, or I walked for longer than an hour, a flare of burning back pain and or fatigue (due to fibro) were likely. (When I say fatigue, my feet/ legs/ lower back feel A LOT heavier than usual, like I have to peel my feet off the ground and actively fight gravity to take each step).

Low Energy; Rest Breaks

What if I wanted to spend two hours walking around the botanic gardens/ nature trail/ city centre? This happened in Adelaide recently. I was able to walk for several hours; mostly because in the middle we sat at a cafe for a good forty minutes. I sat in a chair with proper back support and sunk into it, letting my body recharge. (And used this as the snack and drink recharge mentioned above). After that sit down; I could keep walking.

Another option when travelling solo for me is that with my seat adjusted to support my back sufficiently, sitting in the car driving helps me physically recharge.

Low Energy; Mobility Aids

The thing about invisible illnesses is you can’t see the bastards. Vision impaired people can get glasses, and hearing impaired people can get hearing aids. But do people with fatigue or chronic pain need mobility aids?

This is a conversation I didn’t have with my doctor, not when diagnosed with long covid, or fibromyalgia. But with back pain from putting my back out, my mother, having her own back issues, knew I wasn’t able to walk. So she did some research, and found that walking polls can provide physical support, while also helping a person build their core body muscles. (This article is aimed at hikers, but consider how more even distribution of your weight and the strain of making it walk can aid low energy movement.)

My mum bought me walking polls in Adelaide, which I used on nature trails. I found them especially helpful to reduce the strain on my body and my proneness to pain and fatigue when walking uphill, and up or downstairs. They were also great for longer walks, where I wanted to go further, but was tired and or fatigued.

So if you’re prone to chronic pain or fatigue, I suggest discussing mobility aids with your GP.

Value People For Who They Are

Some neurotypical person: You have to look people in the eye when you speak to them.

Me: why?

Them: because people will think you’re not listening, or your suspicious or maybe unstrustworthy.

Me: And that’s my problem? People making utterly unfounded assumptions about me, that have nothing to do with me personally? People not bothering to get to know me or bothering to judge me for who I am?

I wouldn’t do that to someone else. As an autistic person, I tend to miss cues in real time social situations (and my ADHD gets distracted), and I need to process in peace and quiet on my own. So the only thing I assume about other people is; there’s loads of things I don’t know or understand about them. I think that’s the golden rule to understanding people, yes, even someone you’ve been close to for years. If you don’t get their behaviour; assume you’re missing something.

Learn Before You Judge Someone

As an autistic person, whether I’m looking at students to judge their needs and how to support them, or at a fictional character, I don’t think anything until I’ve noticed and connected multiple things about that person/ character. If someone is upset, and another person is not expressing concern for them or doing anything to help, but is standing still, anxiously fidgeting and avoiding eye contact with the upset person; I’ll conclude they care. They just don’t know how to help or respond. Whereas another person might only see them not responding and assume they don’t care. One cue isn’t enough to go on, even if you ARE neurotypical.

So my first autistic lesson on people is; don’t make assumptions. Seek more information. Give people the benefit of the doubt. And instead of only looking for what you expect to see, notice what’s actually there. Don’t disregard someone because they didn’t do the thing you expected. Credit them for the helpful/ constructive thing they did do. (Unless they’re a politician, in which case I advise a healthy dose of skepticism for every side of politics, and trust what they actually do ten times more than anything any politician ‘claims’ they will do.)

Communicate When Your Expectations Aren’t Met

While we’re on expectations, if you aren’t happy with someone’s response, don’t expect them to just know you want them to respond a certain way, regardless of the context of the situation. None of of us grew up in the same house or have identical lived experiences, even if we did grow up with the same era/ culture/ religion.

Your neurotypical style of communication is DIFFERENT to my autistic, ADHD style communication. Making assumptions based on your experience is the fast lane to misunderstanding me, and anyone who differs from you in ways you didn’t realise. So be straight and honest with people, to ensure everyone in the conversation IS on the same page.

Value Logic and Questions

Autistic people can get ourselves into trouble for not respecting social hierarchies or for ‘answering back.’ There’s a very good reason for this; I don’t respect social hierarchies because I don’t see the point of them. I ask questions because I don’t understand and I want to understand. Or because I’m challenging someone who didn’t bother asking any questions, who just accepted something, which is why I think what they think is bullshit.

Age & Rank Alone Don’t Matter to Me

An example of both is ‘respect your elders.’ Problems with this include; age does not necessarily equal wisdom, life experience or knowledge. Age certainly doesn’t make anyone right by default. There are times as a teacher when a child says something that challenges my thinking. Where they change my mind about how we as a class or their group will do something. Because they asked a question, gave a good reason for their request, and I hadn’t thought of that and respected their reason.

I don’t care how old or rich you are, how many degrees you have or any privilege you claim. I don’t care for rank, whether its big boss in a workplace or Prime Minister. Its the knowledge and understanding you bring to any given situation that I value. Its your wisdom. Whether you’re treating people decently and resources appropriately. Its whether or not yours is the best solution to the problem, on the basis of evidence, reason and logic.

When the far right are on the rise, and having a field day in America, I don’t think I need to explain why the above is SO important.
If you’re an adult who feels threatened when kids ask you questions, or when they argue and give superior reasons to yours; this isn’t about your ego. Its not about your authority. Its about having the humility, the good grace and the sense to make use of the best logic, reasons and evidence in the room, to make the best decision for all parties effected.

So I urge you, don’t just make decisions based on what you feel. Evaluate the logic and all the reasons of the situation, like an autistic person. Seek the biggest, fullest picture, to best decide what to do with it.

There is No ‘Normal or ‘Abnormal’ Person

A lot of autistic people get bullied as kids/ teens for being different. A lot of neurotypical people approach communication assuming neurotypical norms are THE communication norm, thinking everyone should; make eye contact, greet people by name, ask how people are and so on. None of those communication styles is ‘normal’ to me. Just because you and lots of people you know do it that way doesn’t mean everyone else does. There are cultures where for certain people to make eye contact with others is disrespectful and rude. But we were assuming ‘white’ culture is the ‘norm’, weren’t we?

And when you assume your white, neurotypical, able bodied, cis gender, heterosexual ways are the norm, some people assume anything that doesn’t meet those expectations, anything ‘unfamiliar’ or ‘different’ is necessarily bad and wrong.

The Downside of Calling Humans ‘Normal’

‘They are not like me, and I am normal, therefore they are a freak/ bad/ wrong’ seems to underly every form of discrimination there is. It covers racism and sexism to homophobia, transphobia and ableism. When we get to white supremacy and ableism, the narrative becomes ‘my culture/ race/ body is better than yours, therefore I have value and you do not. My life matters. Your’s doesn’t.’

So I think that for any ally of any marginalised group, a great thing to take from autistic attitudes is not viewing yourself as ‘normal.’ And not viewing anyone unlike you as ‘abnormal.’

I was raised the way I was, you were raised the way you were. My brain is wired in certain ways, your brain is wired differently. There is no ‘normal’ and ‘abnormal’. There’s how we were taught we are supposed to live, ways we were taught some people live, and ways of living we weren’t taught about. All that means is there are different ways of living.

If we think of it as ‘people live differently’ as opposed to, ‘some people are normal and others are freaks,’ its becomes harder to alienate any human from their rights.

You Don’t Need Permission To Speak

A thing I often forgot to do as both a young autistic person who is inclined to do what they think makes sense, and as ADHD distraction prone, is to ask people how they are. You’re ‘supposed’ to do this. Its ‘good manners’. But the thing that really gets me about this is when I’m over half an hour into a conversation before I think to ask ‘how are you?’, and the person responds with something they really wanted to tell me. And I think, ‘Why did you wait 30 minutes for me to invite you to share that? If it matters to you; it matters to me. Why not just tell me?’

Somewhere along the way, I think many neuropytical people fell into the habit of only sharing their special news or saying how they’re going when someone asks them first. I suspect this is why there’s ‘never a good time’ to tell people bad news. Because people never ask, ‘What’s terribly wrong with you today?’ And they don’t expect or hint its ok to say shitty stuff. And with people feeling they don’t have ‘permission’ or an ‘invitation,’ or a ‘right time,’ I wonder if a lot of crap that needs saying doesn’t get said, or gets said late, by which point the relationship is falling apart.

Just Tell Us Your News!

I think that when people meet or catch up, it should go more like autistic or ADHD conversations. Where it may begin with ‘hi’, and the next point is, ‘I really wanted to tell you about x, because its so interesting/ exiting/ it matters to me and you matter to me, so I want you to know.’ We don’t literally say all this of course, but the ‘info dump’ of many of things neurodiverse people rattle off to each other when they haven’t seen each other for a while, like me and my mum when we catch up, is often this.

I think its a good thing. With neither party feeling the need for ‘permission,’ or ‘invitations;’ everyone shares what matters to them. Then we can ask for more details if we want them. No one feels unheard. No one feels ignored or like they don’t matter. There’s no room for misunderstandings, because everything either party wanted to say has been said.

True, it can still be tricky to broach for example potential sources of tension in relationships, but like all the good stuff, that still comes under ‘it matters to me so I told you.’ There’s no waiting for ‘right times’ that don’t come. No letting it sit on your chest and fester. I suggest; get everything said, communicated and know what’s going on with each other.

Make Personal Connections With What the Other Person Said

I know, controversial! Because when autistic people do this, some neurotypical people cry, “You made it about you! It was supposed to be about them! You’re supposed to give them their moment!”

So I’m supposed to let them stand on a pedestal saying some great or terrible thing that happened to them and say merely, ‘That’s great’ or, ‘O no. That’s terrible.’ That sounds like their ‘moment’ means being the centre of attention, while everyone else superficially engages with what they have to say. I don’t see the point of that. Superficial responses don’t signal ‘you are not alone.’ They don’t signal, ‘I get you.’ They have no capacity to deepen a relationship.

The Value of Sharing Personal Connections

If I’m sharing something important to me with you; its probably because I want to connect with you. I want to see that you understand.

If you’re sharing something bad with me, and I can make a deep personal connection to what you said; I am showing you that I get it. When my connection doesn’t quite fit; I’m showing you I don’t quite get it. If all I say is, ‘I’m sorry that happened to you,’ all I’m displaying is a very basic grasp of what you’re saying. And I’m leaving you standing on your own, little better off than you were before you opened your mouth.

Sometimes there’s isn’t anything we can constructively do to help people with their problems. But we can do more than just be there for them. We can show them; ‘not only am I here, I have stood where you stand and I get it. You are not alone.’ It matters for people to know that. So I say, go ahead and connect to the time when you think felt that way, or had to make a similar choice.

Abolish Taboo Conversation Topics

Suicide & The Need to Talk

According to Suicide Prevention Australia, Suicide is the leading cause of death among 15 to 25yos in my country, but we’re ‘not supposed to talk about it.’ Taboos like that seem to be part of neurotypilcal social expectations. The idea that some things are ‘too dark,’ or ‘not nice enough’ to discuss.

Suicide Australia also say 7 million Australians (roughly one quarter of our population) have been impacted by suicide. That’s 7 million people who would be left feeling isolated, with no one to talk to about their feelings or experiences, if we don’t talk about it because ‘its not nice’. In this case silence threatens people’s wellbeing.

There are things that NEED saying. Things people need to get off their chests and to inform their loved ones about. Then you can deepen your relationships by working through it together, or get the help or support you need etc. For the sake of our health, our wellbeing and our planet; we NEED to talk, directly, about unpleasant shit. Sure, maybe everyone can’t do it as bluntly and logically as some of us autistic people, but when it matters; give it a shot!

How Can We Deal With It, If We Won’t Even Discus it?

The other big reason we NEED to talk about unpleasant shit is things like; I think RFK Junior is a eugenicist (there’s a good explanation of how his antivaxxer stance promotes ‘soft eugenics’ from Science Based Medicine in this article). If we don’t admit what he is, or what he’s trying to do; we won’t stop him doing it. If we don’t call it ‘climate catastrophe,’ we’ll sit and watch the world burn.

And if we aren’t supposed to say ‘not nice things’ like ‘that person sexually abused me,’ if everyone in unused to hearing that, despite that according to the Australian Institute of Health and Welfare 26.1% of Australian women have been sexually abused… we get a culture where people don’t talk about sexual abuse. They don’t hear it.

Then they don’t know how to respond. They don’t know how to accept that something like that happened to someone they know. They don’t know how to respond to the fact that they, like 20% of those women, know the offender. And they sure as hell don’t know how to support victims of sexual or family violence.

The direct statements of an autistic person calling out something as immoral, with no neurotypical filtering to sound ‘nice,’ might make some people uncomfortable. But our lack of giving a shit about what we ‘can’ or ‘can’t,’ say, or whatever makes neurotypical people squeamish about calling out reality; that positions autistic people like Gretna Thunberg to tackle climate change.

We need more non-autistic people standing up and saying how and why something is wrong and that it SHOULD NOT BE HAPPENING.

Get Comfortable With Your Own Discomfort

Austistic people are used to not being comfortable. Many of us frequently feel like we ‘don’t fit’ and like we blunder through social situations. We’re used to being in environments like classrooms or shopping centres where the amount of STUFF on shelves, walls, the NOISE of so many PEOPLE screams at us, and is TOO MUCH. (Minimisation tips in this post.)

Discomfort is normal to autistic people. Its not pleasant, but it does have an advantage. Sometimes I feel like neurotypical expectations have raised people to be fragile. To have sensitive ears that hurt when you say things like ‘genocide’ or ‘rape’. But anyone who struggles to even listen to those words is completely useless when it comes to stopping the horror that’s the actuality of genocide and rape culture. Raising people to ‘dance on egg shells’, ‘beat round bushes’, and ‘don’t say that, it’s not nice,’ is raising a generation of people too gutless to confront abuse, exploitation, corruption or genocide.

Cut The Minimising Platitudes

Here we come across a plethora of sayings that aim to silence dissent and preserve the status quo. ‘Don’t rock the boat,’ ‘don’t make waves,’ ‘don’t upset the apple cart.’ Never mind that the ‘boat’ allowed white supremacy, sexism, misogyny, ableism, homophobia and transphobia to thrive for centuries. That its still deeply tainted.

And then we’re onto other sayings, ‘calm down,’ ‘chill,’ ‘it can’t be that bad.’ These allow people to disconnect from reality and deny how bad any given situation is. They seem aimed at ensuring people feel comfortable, even as the world burns around us, because we were too complacent to do enough about climate change, soon enough.

Speak Up & Protest!

When it comes to what’s wrong with the world, autistic people like Gretna Thunberg may be the voice you don’t want to listen to. You’re conscience sayng ‘this is wrong and we have to act.’ Again, this is not about YOU. Its about Palestinians being starved to death in Gaza by a regime that’s come full circle, from fleeing fascism to embracing it to annihilate Palestinians. Its about all the disabled people RFK Junior wants to stick in ‘wellness’ camps.

The autistic strength when shit gets fucked is we don’t put our personal feelings about shit being fucked first. We’re not shocked at finding ourselves outside our comfort zone (we pretty much live there already). And I think our struggle to sometimes understand emotions, and the ease we tend to have with logic, inclines us to put our logical understanding that shit is fucked and action MUST be taken to unfuck it first.

Our blunt calls to do so bypass neurotypical uncertainty because something pushed them outside their comfort zone. They bypass the neurotypical tendency to flinch from the truth, not call things what they are, delay, delay, delay; until things get WORSE. So SPEAK UP (like we do)!

Disclaimer

(Yes, I acknowledge not all neurotypical people are the same. Nor are all autistic people. But the general patterns I see with a lot of neurotypical people when it comes to stubbornly refusing to abandon the illusion of their comfort zone, to face shit being fucked and get off their backsides and DO ANYTHING for our planet, democracy, Palestine etc, CONCERNS me.)

Sharing the Good Stuff

Having raised some heavy shit, I’d like to end with an autistic approach to life that can make the good parts better. My mum likes travelling with me. She says seeing my enthusiasm makes site seeing more enjoyable. I’ve never cared if people view my displays of enthusiasm as ‘child like’ or ‘over the top’ or whatever. If I LOVE something, than I LOVE it. I’m not going to tone it down because ‘maybe someone will judge me.’

When the emotion is enthusiasm, I don’t think I’ve seen someone judge me badly. As an adult, people either smile, or they don’t click with whatever I’m responding to and they move on. And by not giving a shit either way, I get to fully feel and express my excitement at seeing something beautiful, or new. Heck, I’ll pause part way down the street to stare up at possums at night, or to smile at birds by day.

Smell Those Roses

All of us are so busy with our own lives, we often don’t even notice things. I once went to the supermarket wearing fluffy rainbow slippers because I forgot I had them on under my flared jeans. A group of teens had a chuckle when they noticed and smiled at me. No one else noticed a thing. I think ‘other people’ care far less about any one person than that one person thinks. I think most people care far too much about what other people might think of them. And I’ve never had any intention of letting fear of others opinions get in the way of having fun.

I don’t know strangers. Therefore I don’t care what they think. (Though them agreeing with me does score them points ;). Expressing my autistic enthusiasm for life lets me enjoy it fully, and it makes other people either notice what I’m noticing, or notice my enjoyment. Either one tends to make them smile.

In a world with TONNES OF SHIT going on, its important to smell those roses, smile at screeching rainbow lorikeets zooming past your head, stare at pretty sunsets etc. Let yourself fully enjoy life, and rather than people judging you, you may see them enjoying it with you.

Oh, I’m Also Actually Autistic (Identifying which of my traits are autistic).

Manging My Neurodiversity (Communication, processing and mental health strategies).

Minimising Visual Overload (for autistic & ADHD comfort)

March 31, 2025 / Elise Carlson / 0 Comments

There are no magical or whizz bang ways to support trans people in this blog. You’ve likely thought of and are doing some already. But as its easy to feel overwhelmed of late, and for us ADHDers to get distracted. So I figure its handy having a list of concrete things we can do to make life any way better for trans people.

Disclaimer; I’m Aussie, nonbinary, and I feel safe marching the streets protesting for trans rights in biological-sex non-conforming clothing. That’s a world away from how I’d feel as a nonbinary person, let alone a trans woman in the US or UK right now. I will try, despite my autistic tendency to have black and white notions of right and wrong, and to respond strongly to injustice, to be realistic here. To give you practical actions to take to support trans people, beyond feeling awful for us or merely saying how awful what’s happening to us in the US and UK is. Because actions give you purpose, purpose is motivating, and knowing you’re having even a small positive impact is a weapon to wield against the apathy or overwhelm that threatens us in the face of great odds.

Listen to & UpLift Trans Voices

The Listening Bit

Honestly, as a nonbinary author who wrote an entire trilogy with a nonbinary character, I’m just waiting for Amazon to hide or remove Ruarnon Trilogy from their digital bookshelves. This is an era in which some people are desperate to erase trans people, and a big part of that is silencing us. If you don’t know any trans people, some of us post sometimes about being trans on social media. I invite you to follow a few trans people who share your interests; books, SFF, fishing —whatever your interests may be. Listen to what we say. Gain some insights into what life looks like from our shoes.

Go further; read some books/ articles/ blogs by trans authors. Watch shows or films (ideally by us) that give insight into what its like to be us. Most of us alive today grew up in a world hugely ignorant of, often denying the existence of, and at times like the present, outright hateful towards trans people. When I identified as nonbinary, a lot of people weren’t sure what I meant. As the most articulate said, ‘That’s outside my experience/ upbringing.’ So bring it inside your experience. Educate yourself.

Anywhere along the road of trans education, Jamie Doger’s youtube channel is a brilliant resource.

The Uplifting Bit

You can do more than. Reposting trans voices on Bsky (yes my favourite social media and hence my example) is simple. Reposting a post, a blog, a podcast or book about trans experiences is a simple way to help us project our voices loud enough to be heard by a wider audience.

If you have a blog, podcast, youtube etc; consider interviewing a trans person who share’s the interest(s) your space is focused on. Consider how you can share the social media space you have to help marginalised people (yes Palestinians, yes immigrants, black people, Asian people, disabled people, Jewish people —any humans some people are trying to step on) to be heard. The more any marginalised humans are known, and understood by more people; the less unknown and ‘scary’ we become.

Hatred thrives on ignorance and lies. Helping marginalised people spread our truths is a means of combatting that head on.
(Yes fellow Aussies; we need more Aboriginal truth telling).

Support Trans Creatives

If you like books, or art; please consider browsing the work of trans authors and artists. Threat of homelessness and living with disability eg. chronic illnesses that severely limits your capacity to work, are two challenges trans people are disproportionately likely to face. And for those who seek it, gender affirming treatment is often prohibitively expensive.

So if you happen to be looking for books or art (yes that you genuinely think you will enjoy), please consider ours!

If you like behind the scenes peaks from artists or writers, eg. short stories, works in progress etc, consider supporting a trans (and or other marginalised) creative via their Patreon, Kofi etc.

Trans Rights

No, don’t bother posting ‘Trans Rights are Human Rights’ on Bsky. Its a left wing platform; we know trans people are human and therefore trans rights are human rights. If you care about trans rights; do something meaningful to support the protection of trans rights.

On The Ground Support; Marches & Protests

Do attend trans rights protests, if you feel physically safe doing so and are physically able. (For the second year running I’m skipping the Transgender Day of Visibility march because my fatigue-plagued body isn’t up to it today). But when you are physically/ safely able; be visible. Show fascists you don’t support them by physically standing with us.

Political Support; Sign Petitions

It takes a few seconds. And requires so little effort. Its a very simple, yet effective way to tell your government (state or national) where you stand on trans rights (and other rights/ climate change). Change.org is a great source of petitions (for any cause). The link I just gave will let you search it (for trans rights and any other causes you feel strongly about).

If you’re looking for current petitions (in your country or globally), maybe paste ‘trans rights petitions’ into the search bar of your browser, or social media to find some to sign.

Tell People in Power to Protect Trans Rights

I know, this one requires a clear head (I haven’t had that due to illness for two weeks). It also needs physical and emotional energy (I’ve been low on spoons) and concentration (damn you ADHD).

I’ve had a draft letter to my federal/ national member for Aussie Parliament in my email for a few weeks. At present, by the time I check facts, I forget my letter’s contents. And when I remember what I’m trying to say; I forget facts. (FYI this is what ADHD/ autistic overload looks like). My spoons are so low that I might need to search the internet for a template that states my concerns, then re-word it to sound like me. (I hear it sounding like you makes it more striking at the receiving end).

But I want to send that letter. I want the person who represents my electorate in my nation’s government to know that I am VERY strongly opposed to any measure that curbs the rights of trans humans. (Hell, maybe I should tell him exactly that!)

Because this step requires extra effort/ spoons/ time; far less people will do it. I think means your letter will speak LOUDER. And speaking loudly to people in power, who can actually impact trans rights, seems a damn good idea at this time.

Don’t Be a Bystander

Don’t put your head in the sand. Or pretend you didn’t hear that comment or ask ‘did they really say that?’. In 2025, if you’re in the US or UK; they did say it. If you’re in Canada, Australia and much of the rest of the world, yeah, there’s a fair chance they did say it. Don’t ask if you just witnessed transphobia (or violence against a woman, for that matter), ask yourself; do I feel comfortable challenging the person disrespecting someone they think is trans? Or am I more comfortable showing my support to a person targeted with transphobia?

I was once on a bus where a man was telling a teenager not to be so loud. At some point the teenager said, ‘I’m autistic’ and the man, who clearly had no understanding of autism whatsoever said, ‘That’s no excuse.’ The man was so obnoxious and arrogant in his ignorance that I didn’t have enough time to respond to him (before the bus reached the next city). But I, and several other people did find words in that brief moment of time for the teenager. Our words were very much along the lines of, ‘It’s entirely his problem. You’ve done nothing wrong.’

What we were really saying was, ‘Only he agrees with him. He doesn’t speak for any of us. We all think you’re fine.’

Demonstrating that the other people on the bus don’t agree with the ableist can help marginalised people feel more secure, in an era that predisposes us to increasing levels of insecurity (and actual physical danger and emotional turmoil).

Tell Transphobes Their Transphobia is NOT ok

Ideally, adults will tell people making transphobic comments in public that its not ok, the same way adults respond to teens bullying a kid in this video. I know; its scarier when the bully is adults, let alone the president of America. But in teaching we have a saying; the standard you ignore is the standard you accept. If I don’t tell a kid speaking to others like that is not ok; I am tacitly telling them it is ok to talk to others like that. In teaching; a behaviour unchallenged is a behaviour accepted.

The scariest thing to me about neo-Nazis turning up to support TERF Posie Parker in MY capital city in 2023, was a neo-Nazi presuming he was defending ‘normies’ from the ‘threat’ trans people’s existence poses. He seemed to assume he was acting in the interests of ordinary Aussies., even as he stood on the steps of my state’s parliament building doing a Nazi salute (which we’ve since passed laws against).

Its all very well to say ‘fuck that, fuck him and fuck Nazis.’ But its far more powerful to show him/ Nazis your opposition by marching in the streets with a ‘respect trans rights’ sign in your hands. To fly a trans flag (anywhere in public). He can’t pretend then. Or deny. He can’t delude himself into thinking many people don’t oppose him because of his refusal to accept, let alone respect the existence of trans humans (and Jewish humans, black humans, disabled humans, etc).

Other Ideas

If its physically safe for you to do so; be bold in your support. Fly a flag. Wear a t-shirt or a pin in public with a clear message of support. Attend performances by trans actors, signers, comedians, choirs etc. Display a sign in a public space.

For my favourite example of the above, a Melbourne bus company has the image and message below on some of their regular buses. Yes, 365 days a year, in a genuine display of allyship, not just for Pride Month.

Side of a bus painted with progress pride and trans flag stripes. Text: You are loved.

I’ll end by again stating that being publicly visible in your support of trans people’s existence and rights is invaluable in denying fascists the opportunity, via your silence, to presume their attacks on trans people speak or act for you.

Related Reading

Identifying as Nonbinary

What Does (Nonbinary, Asexual, Aromantic) Pride Mean To Me?

I Think I’m Neurodiverse. Autism? ADHD?

March 14, 2025 / Elise Carlson / 2 Comments

Like many late in life (in my case self) diagnosed autistic people, I’ve spent my life saturated with sensory overload. For years, I had no idea how much energy I wasted at work filtering out absurd amounts of sensory input. Or why it was so hard to switch off or relax at home. Having finally worked it out, I’ll share how I organise and set up my house (decor, storage and cleaning) and some things at work/ school to minimise visual overload. Whether you are autistic, or you live, work or travel with someone who is or may be autistic, I hope those strategies make their/ your life easier, something we could all do with in the Enshitification Era.

Reducing Sensory Overload At Home

Clutter is Evil

This is a challenge for those of us with autism AND ADHD. For much of my life (before ADHD diagnosis and medication), I left clutter everywhere. It was inevitable, as I A. struggled to focus long enough to finish packing up. And B. always worried I’d forget a more important thing that needed doing. So I was forever running from one task to the next before I inevitably got distracted, leaving small piles of clutter everywhere.

I found early in my teaching career that any chance of relaxing or resting on the weekend was best achieved by tidying on Friday nights. I’d begin by putting dirty clothes in the washing basket, dirty dishes in the dishwasher, and packing away scattered papers and other random objects I wasn’t using.

The more stuff I put out of sight, the more tension I was barely aware of in my torso relaxed. Because I no longer needed to remain poised to escape far too many objects crowding my vision and overwhelming my brain until I struggled to remember or think about anything else. Nor was I overwhelmed by the many categories of thing needing putting away in different locations.

Mess is Also Bad

In recent years, I’ve often been able to only clean one or two things before fatigue or pain begin flare and I have to take the rest of the day off cleaning. This has made me aware of which surfaces I want clean the most. Its always the biggest ones.

If there is a 2cm by 2cm or bigger drop of any substance spilt on the kitchen floor; I notice it. Probably every single time I walk past. Crumbs on the carpet? I know about them! Leaves that blew in the door? Annoy me every time I enter the house! Crumbs/ substances on the bench, in the sink or on the stove stop? I notice most of them, every time I enter the kitchen.

It ANNOYS me. They shouldn’t be there. It doesn’t look good. But most importantly, the energy that gets wasted noticing every crumb, drip and whatever needs wiping or vacuuming on every surface of the house, on top of every piece of furniture and decor within the house is TIRING. I consciously perceive too much visual information. (Which my psychiatrist explained is definitely an ADHD thing, but which I suspect is also an autism thing).

Its impossible to relax in your home when you notice five things that need cleaning/ tidying/ something done about them EVERY SINGLE TIME you enter ANY and ALL rooms of the house. The mere constant sight of a messy/ cluttered house is tiring for me to live in. So if anyone in your home is autistic/ has ADHD; the more frequently you and whoever you live with can vacuum/ sweep/ wipe down surfaces; the better!

Non-Overstimulating Household Set Up

A common cause of frustration for me is difficulty distinguishing between the thing I want and the sea of shit I don’t care about just now surrounding it. The thing I want may be right in front of me. But if its an object on the kitchen table with twenty other objects, my brain may note as many of the twenty objects as it can before getting overloaded and overlooking the thing I want; multiple times. Or it may register the clutter on the table as ‘solid mass of too many bloody objects’ and not differentiate between them.

So I decluttered my house, but the cupboards, wardrobes etc, still contained too much stuff. I never perceive the item at the back of the pantry/ fridge until well after it expires. Because by the time I’d consciously perceived all twenty eight items in front of it; I’m tired and my brain perceives the back row as a vague blur.

Non-Overstimulating Pantry

Only recently did I solve storage problems to my satisfaction. Its tricky in the pantry, because I have three housemates who each have their own grocery shelves. And our shelves are narrow and deep. Storing items in rows seems necessary, but its hard to see behind each row. So I put tall items around the outsides and across the back. And smaller items in front, in a couple of baskets I can lift out to easily perceive (and reach) items in the back row.

This helped, but peering into the pantry was still a visually jarring experience. It was like looking into a room where all the furniture is positioned at contrary angles and some items are incorrectly proportioned in relation to others. None of it is quite what you expect. None of it initially makes sense. Its mental gymnastics just to find the vinegar for your salad dressing (and yes, frustrating).

I do a lot of baking, so I bought tuppleware containers for ingredients that are all the same height. Now every type of flour, sugar, coconut etc doesn’t block or obscure the others. And they fit in a nice row along one side, so I can see what’s in each container. And another daily cause of frustration is now a relief that makes daily life that little bit easier.

(Left before, right after).

3 pantry shelves, the bottom and middle with items piled on top of and in front of each other, crowded to the point its difficult to see or reach anything.

Same three shelves, in neat rows of containers the same shapes and sizes, nothing stacked on top of anything, every item visible all the way to the back.

Non-Overstimulating Crockery/ Glassware etc

Only when we moved house did I notice how unpleasant looking in the cupboard for a glass or bowl was. With a sharehouse of around 8-9 different people over the years; our glassware and crockery was very mismatched. Giving away the worst matching sets and buying new, all the same glasses and crockery sets made those cupboards more calming and pleasant to look at.

Note: if you’re tempted to joke about OCD here; don’t A. trivialise a debilitating condition by reducing it to someone merely wanting their crockery and glassware to match. And don’t B, mock people for wanting matching crockery. In this case, that’s like mocking someone for wearing sunglasses on a glary, sunny day. There’s nothing wrong with making things comfortable to view.

Non-Overstimulating Storage

As a teacher, Christmas tends to include gifts of soaps, bath and skincare products. And as an easily distracted ADHDer, the bathroom is best kept clean when the products I use to clean it are stored in the bathroom. (So I don’t enter the room with the products and forget why I was there, the same applying to the kitchen). So my vanity had lots of unused stuff in it, because my brain mostly registered the contents of the huge drawer as ‘big slab of too much stuff’.

In this case the problem was the vanity was a large drawer, with lots of small things placed side by side, and in rows. With so many things in one place, no manner of arranging them could avoid visual overload. Enter a brother who gives thoughtful gifts and figured a large jewellery box with lots of little drawers could be handy for me to store stuff. With a mini drawer chest, small items went from maybe 60 objects of seven varieties in one space, to 3-4 varieties per drawer, and so few items that I can comfortably perceive them all.

Where possible, I suggest using or buying smaller cupboards/ drawers, in which you can separate objects by category. So that opening a door doesn’t instantly reveal shelves of 50 different objects of 8 types. (I don’t like and am lucky my current house doesn’t have a linen cupboard. That’s always too many shelves for me to look at, let alone perceive the thing I want).

White Space/ Resting Your Eyes

In my new house, one housemate’s room has very little decor on furniture, the walls etc. That room has A LOT of white space. Every direction offers blank, plain emptiness that lets my tendency to see EVERYTHING rest, because there’s nothing to perceive, no visual information to process.

I like having some visual stimulation. But if every book/ decorative item/ plant is as eye level; that’s overwhelming. I only put display items on furniture below eye level, so that when walking around I can focus on what I’m thinking, instead of being bombarded by sight of too much stuff.

Increase White Space, Maximise Cupboards

Two pieces of furniture in my new house reduce visual overload. My old tv cabinet had lead light doors that displayed many spines, images, and endless range of colours and texts of tens of my dvds through its glass doors. My new one has solid timber doors, of one colour of harmonious tones. Now, watching tv is a more relaxing and restful experience.

The other change is a book case. As author and reader I know, the point of lots of lovely books and a bookshelf is to display them. But the spines of many rows of books is the same mass of colours, shapes, text and images as rows of dvd spines. And its location meant I regularly walked past it when not wanting to browse books. Too often, it was a solid, 2m high wall of sensory overload that almost made me flinch in passing.

My new bookcase reduces visual overload by screening two rows of books behind wooden doors. The timber framing the glass doors, frames each edge of the shelf with a single colour. While having a pane of glass and lines of lead between me and the books softens the former wall of too much colour and variety. I don’t feel sad I can’t see all the books all the time. I feel relieved possessions I love no longer silently scream at me every time I walk past.

Pine 2m high bookshelf crammed with books of many colours, different heights and thicknesses, some stacked atop each other.

Antique bookcase with carved cupboard doors and two drawers above them screening three rows of books. Upper section has two timber framed doors with leadlight glass in the middles, greatly reducing the mass of exposed spines and visual overload.

Reducing Visual Overload At Work: School

Walls Covered in Posters/ Charts are Evil

This is a BIG one. Honestly, I look back at classrooms I’ve taught in over the last twelve years and wonder why I’m still sane. Remember what I said about row upon row of pantry items being too many items to process? Or row upon row of book spines being a 2m high wall of sensory overload that silently screams at me?

It may not surprise you that as a teacher I HATE classroom walls. I generally avoid looking at them. They have an unfortunate tendency to be a solid mass of teacher charts and or children’s work; of so many colours, writings, drawings and so many categories. They are TOO MUCH.

Imagine being in a room with twenty something children and all of them are shouting at you for the entire day. Classroom walls have the same stressful, overloading impact on me. And a staffroom with work safety, company policy and whatever else posters all over its walls is little better. So if you have any say in your workplaces walls bombarding people with masses of visual information charts/ posters etc ; please reduce it!

What are Visually Overwhelming Walls Doing to ND Adults/ Kids?

If your wall charts/ posters aren’t vital; I’m wasting energy filtering them out so I don’t get overwhelmed, and can actually do my job. So is the autistic kid in your classroom, or your autistic co-worker. Trust me, same goes for the ADHD kids and co-workers!

And you know what, with that overloading visual sensory input in my face throughout my entire work day, I wonder if I wasted something like 30% of my energy filtering out the visual overload of unnecessary crap on walls. That’s 30% of my energy at work, NOT going into my work. That’s the autistic kid having a meltdown because on top of the input of what all the other kids and the teacher are doing, and trying to keep up while struggling to process social cues; they’re overwhelmed. Its the ADHD kid infinitely distracted, or zoning out, because they too are overwhelmed.

Noise At Work

While this blog focuses on visual overload, which bothers me personally the most, everything I’ve said about the discomfort of visual overload applies to audio overload. Whether a particular person/ appliance/ music etc is too loud, or there are too many voices speaking in the same room making it hard for an autistic person to hear the person speaking to them; audio overload also needs minimising. Luckily headphones, both for the person listening to noise and noise cancelling ones, and other sound proofing options offer relief that visual overload doesn’t have an easy equivalent for.

Minimising Anxiety: Foreknowledge

Even if your companion knows the details, and you’re not normally prone to anxiety; a protest is a good event to minimise anything that might cause anxiety at, especially if you’re neurodiverse. Before you get there, I suggest checking where the protest is, who organised it, what format it takes etc. Do what helps calm us autistic people and arm yourself with foreknowledge of who will be where, doing what, when and how.

If its a type you haven’t been to before (or your first protest); ask around. Get other people to tell you about their experiences to help you know what to expect. A few times in unfamiliar contexts or places recently, I’ve found myself rehearsing what I know will happen, or steps I will take. This has helped me to regulate, remain calm and feel in control in an unfamiliar situation.

Company & ADHD Support To Arrive

A lot of how I’d stay calm, not stressed and not overwhelmed by the crowds comes down to this; try not to attend events alone. The presence of at least one person I know helps me with lots of things.

For a start, I might have trouble reaching the protest. I may be feeling nervous. And with my ADHD tendency towards distractibility, especially if I forgot my meds that morning, its easy to miss my train stop. Its also easy to get streets mixed up, turn to soon or read my map wrong (yes with phone navigation).

Travelling with another person who takes responsibility for navigating takes pressure off me. That alone helps reduce my stress and anxiety levels, and gives me a calmer arrival to the protest.

Company & Preventing Accidents (due to sensory overload)

When you reach the protest, people and signs everywhere and maybe helicopters in the sky, its easy to get distracted or overloaded with sensory information. At Invasion Day I was so distracted (or overloaded) with processing visual sensory info of the crowd that I nearly tripped over concrete bordering tram tracks, having not perceived/ processed it.

Crowds are an information processing challenge for people with autism and or ADHD. So its a good idea to ask your companion(s) to keep an eye out for trip hazards, help you spot them and to explain that you’re likely to overlook them. Its also a good idea to watch out for the crowd parting around obstacles ahead. Had people not stood on benches we had to walk around at Invasion Day, its possible I would have bumped into them too.

Comfort & Sensory Needs

I was lucky my friend was aware I’m nervous as an immunocompromised person of being hundreds or thousands people who could have a respiratory virus that could put me in bed for weeks. This made her aware of my need for personal space and prompted her to find it. And personal space reduced my feelings of being overwhelmed or stressed by people pressing in around me on all sides.

Stand/ Sit Near A Wall

The best space for a neurodiverse or chronically ill person is near a wall. No one can stand in the wall, so you’re guaranteed space on that side. And people don’t tend to pack closely together before the wall. And if the wall is by your side; half the crowd is behind you and you can’t see them. This gives you less likelihood of catching anything from anyone (like the N95 I assume fellow spoonies are wearing). And it reduces the sensory input and distraction of the crowd for autistic people and ADHDers.

But the most important thing about walls for anyone prone to fatigue or pain from prolonged standing is physical support. The Invasion Day rally began with two hours of speeches. I barely managed to stand through the first ten minutes (and I wanted to, because Uncle Garry Folely was speaking and I wanted to show him that respect). I could only stand that long because I was leaning my back fully against the wall and it was relieving my legs of half my weight.

When standing became too much; I sat with my back leaning against the wall. I had space to sit comfortably there and to change my position as needed. You couldn’t do that in the middle of the crowd in the middle of the street.

Chronically Ill & Neurodivergent Guide to Protests/ Public Events

Company, Sensory Overload & Autism Support

Both my parents are autistic and dislike crowds. I think its the novelty and variety of people that my ADHD enjoys about them. My autism doesn’t mind them, but even after a family Christmas I’m TIRED, happy to sit alone and barely speak to anyone for hours. Attending a protest march with hundreds (especially thousands) of people gives me the same weariness. I think its the exhaustion of so many people, clothes, colours, faces, me noticing ALL of it and the energy that takes to process.

Crowds are massively overstimulating and being in one can feel overwhelming. Again, this is where being with at least one person can help. If I’m overwhelmed by all the people, I can focus on the person who’s my company. I even found talking to that friend during the latest march made it feel like it was just us walking down the street. It made me feel MUCH MORE comfortable.

Focusing on the back of the person in front of me or the sign they were carrying, instead of the entire crowded street ahead, also helped me feel less overwhelmed.

Anxiety/ Regulation Aids

As teachers, we know the power of a fidget to give that ADHD kid the stimulation/ dopamine hit they need to focus. We also know the calming benefit of regular, rhythmic movements for heightened and autistic children. Guess what? What helps children calm and self regulate can help adults too.

I didn’t bring fidgets to the Invasion Day speeches, but I was tapping my fingers on my knee to a regular rhythm. Holding a small, discrete fidget could have fulfilled my restless ADHD need to move, even while sitting listening for an hour and fifty minutes. Were I feeling anxious/ overwhelmed by the crowd; again a fidget involving repetitive, rhythmic movement could help calm me.

Mobility Aids

If you’re physically disabled and or hyper mobile, you may already have mobility aids. As a chronically ill person who recovered from long covid only to realise I still had fibromyalgia; I stumbled through chronic pain and fatigue. At work I mostly sat down as often as possible. At home I alternated being on my feet and moving with sitting and resting. But at a protest march its likely you’ll be on your feet for quite some time. So I bought a walking stick, which I’m most likely to use at protest marches (for now).

The Invasion Day march crowd moved too slowly for me. Sometimes my friend and I could step off the road onto the footpath and move at our own pace. But sometimes we couldn’t and like prolonged standing, prolonged slow walking is bad for my fatigue and back ache. For the last fifteen minutes, having a walking stick to lean on would have helped minimise my fatigue and back ache.

Final Note

As we’re conscious of in teaching, its hard too care for others if you are struggling. So try and ensure your comfort as best you can at protests (and in crowded spaces generally), so you can focus your energy on resisting whatever shit your country is/ is at risk of getting badly wrong.

Disability Community

It might seem odd starting with community when this post is mainly about developing awareness of your condition and potential issues navigating medical professionals. But when (to everyone else’s knowledge) you’re the only person you know who, in my case has; ADHD, autism, Fibromyalgia and in 2022 Long Covid; community is important.

This is especially true if you weren’t born with a disability. If, like me, you were just living your life, in my case running 4km multiple times a week, then one day you could barely walk, breathe or think (this is me from able-bodied to Long Covid). For chronic illness later in life, and I imagine any disability resulting from an accident or degenerative disease, its a BIG adjustment. And suddenly a major impact on your life falls outside the knowledge and understanding of most people in it (perhaps everyone you know). That’s where community comes in.

Disability Community- Get One

I learnt a lot about Chronic Fatigue limitations and managing my long covid from 2022 Twitter’s Disability community. I’m now learning from, connecting with and enjoying speaking to people on Blue Sky’s ADHD & Autism Feed, Neurodiverse Feed, Chronic Illness and Disability Feeds. These are totally informal round ups of individual people’s posts, which make it easier to share experiences, complain, commiserate, celebrate with and ask questions of people who ‘get it’/ us.

When I first realised I had Long Covid, it felt less scary seeing that others were in the same boat. This was a new illness, the medical profession had only just begun scratching the surface , no one I knew in real life had the faintest clue, but other people were suffering from it. Other people were living with it. Seeing their posts and reading articles encouraged me that we would find our way. (Took me 2.5 years but I got there –cutting back to part time work was the KEY).

Reading ADHD traits in other people’s daily lives was also validating for me as I sought an ADHD diagnosis, and it helps me feel connected now. Meanwhile seeing what other’s say about how autism impacts them and how I do and don’t relate to other people with autism is also helping me develop my self awareness.

For all four all four types of disability I’ve personally experienced, community has helped. I recommend seeking it on your choice of social media by searching relevant hashtags/ keywords. If relevant, you might want to seek out online or local formal support groups as well.

A Good Doctor

I know, they’re so hard to find —especially in rural areas. And if you have multiple disabilities, there’s the issue of finding a doctor who competently and open-mindedly supports you in managing them ALL. And who does so without being skeptical of one’s existence or biased toward misdiagnosing the other one(s).

For fellow spoonies, there’s also the issue of finding the energy to find a good doctor, if yours isn’t fully adequate. And there can be the need for a doctor who understands the links between conditions. For example maybe that woman doesn’t ‘need’ antidepressants and maybe her anxiety isn’t random, maybe she (and the world) need to adjust to her having autism or ADHD, or both? And maybe her back pain isn’t muscular, maybe its stress from the strain of the above?

Sure, this is just my observations as a person with only personal and second-hand knowledge of such things, but the more I learn, the more it seems your mental, emotional and physical health are interrelated. That any one of those three having an issue can stuff up one or both the others. So if you’ve got multiple ongoing disabilities, you NEED that good doctor who gets the BIG PICTURE for all diagnosis and relevant treatment/ management reasons.

My Doctor Wasn’t Good

I thought I had a good doctor. He listened, he was reassuring, he made me feel comfortable about some other issues that could have been quite serious, but turned out not to be. Then I got long covid. He got me to do standard medical tests, like bloods and an ECG to check my heart ect. When standard tests did not indicate standard (pre-covid) medical conditions, he handed me a survey to ‘explore other options’. Said survery basically asked ‘are you depressed’? in ten different ways. No, I wasn’t depressed. But having my GP try to misdiagnose my obviously physiological illness as depression did cause me anxiety about finding treatment for unknown condition.

He Had to Go

At this time I was fatigued, in chronic chest and back pain and brain fogged. I was teaching full time and very low on spoons. But I was lucky. It was 2022. I knew scientists were only just beginning to study, research and learn what the bloody hell long covid is and what it does to the human body. I knew many doctors could still be very ignorant of this.

But I hadn’t expected to come up against prejudice blocking my path to diagnosis. Luckily my doctor let slip enough for me to suspect that he had long covid, and didn’t want to admit it. And that that bias was compromising his judgement in diagnosing me. It was very clear I needed to walk away. Friends and my mother, whom I spoke to when I had the spoons, backed me fully and I felt empowered to seek a new doctor.

My Experience of Medical Prejudices & Biases

Enter doctor two. Consultation one, my most troubling symptom (which she mainly wanted to hear about, as opposed to symptoms which clearly pointed to long covid) was chronic pain. So, despite my insistence that my mental health was good and depression made zero sense, she prescribed me valium. She pretty much tried to convince me it was depression. One’s a coincidence, two’s a pattern.

This is how I learned there are doctors who prefer to diagnose based on the conditions they personally are most familiar with. That some will ignore any symptoms you name that disagree with their diagnosis (I didn’t have the spoons to test it with doctor two, but for doctor one this was certainly the case). This is when I became aware of doctors who misdiagnose physiological illnesses like long covid and Chronic Fatigue Sydrome, as psychological. Maybe because depression is more common, or more in line with their professional experience, personal bias, whatever. It didn’t help me.

How I Found the Right Doctor

As I said, I was low on spoons and not truly quite ready to accept that this time I knew best, and two doctors didn’t. I took the valium, got home, got angry, threw it in the bin and turned to friends and my mother. Comments from my mother like “but you never take pain killers” really helped me see beyond doubt that this was BAD, physiological and I needed a doctor who understood.

Starting to understand I was fatigued and struggling to find good doctors, my mother got me onto Hot Doc. Its an Australian online booking service with filters that let me search for doctors in my city who specialise in chronic illness. I made an appointment. Doctor three let me talk —probably beyond what he needed to hear for diagnosis because he could see I needed to get it off my chest. Then he said, “That sounds like long covid. But you already knew that?”

Yep, got the one!

I was SO relieved to have a doctor who knew what he was dealing with (I was his fourth long covid patient). He could reassure me that having stumbled for four months on my own I was on the right track with fatigue management. He also have advice on balancing that and exercise, and bothered to test my iron and B12 (both were low) and got me on vitamin supplements.

When I recovered from Long Covid and still had pain and fatigue crashes —he knew Fibromyalgia was a possibility. He correctly diagnosed that and prescribed a pain killer that for the most part kep my chronic pain at bay. (This was while teaching full time. I now work part time and no longer need pain medication. I’ve learnt pain is my body saying ‘fucking stop and rest’ and working no more than two consecutive days a week now, I’m nearly pain free).

Patient Awareness

Medical Malpractice that Could Have Impacted Me

Having had two doctors fail me, I realised it was a good idea to do what little reading I could find the spoons for. At the time it seemed Chronic Fatigue Syndrome was as much a possibility as Long Covid. So when I came across articles about doctors whose outdated —not to mention medically discredited— approach to treating CFS causing harm, I read them.

Luckily Twitter (not yet completely destroyed or corrupted by Musk in 2022) still had doctors tweeting good resources. That’s how I learned about PEM (post exhertional maliaise). And some doctors acting on now discredited beliefs telling patients with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome to exercise, which makes CFS symptoms worse and can cause PEM. I also learnt of the myth CFS sufferers can ‘make themselves better by changing their attitudes,’ outlined and linked to Long Covid scepticism in this article.

By the time I saw my third doctor, I was ready to run away from anyone who told me to ‘exercise and work’ my way out of long covid. Ready to defy out-dated medical advice. Luckily, I didn’t need to. (Though interestingly, with Fibromyalgia, balancing my part time work week with exercise is proving my best defence against fatigue and chronic pain. This is perhaps because I was extremely fit before becoming chronically ill in my mid thirties).

Safeguarding Yourself/ Family

I know, the last thing you need when you’re managing one or more disabilities is safeguarding yourself against a medical professional whose judgement could do you harm. In a world free from racism, misogyny, transphobia etc, that would be easier. Its the last thing you need when when you’ve got a condition that really limits you physically and or emotionally/ mentally. I’m thinking particularly of early Long Covid patients told to exercise which further crippled them with PEM here, but in our imperfect world other circumstances may also apply.

But as I discovered with Long Covid, sometimes you’re unlucky and you’ve either got the wrong doctor, or the wrong doctor to help you manage your particular condition(s). So be aware of and on the look out for red flags.

Trust Yourself and Listen to Those You Trust

So should you feel a medical professional isn’t listening, that their advice is not helping, that their judgement is impaired by any form of prejudice; trust yourself. If it helps and is manageable, keep a record of your symptoms. Know how you were before treatment/ medical advice and after. Have it in writing so you can see for yourself whether treatment is making things better or worse, or which compromise is best. Back yourself up with knowledge of your body so you know when to say ‘no.’

Confession: between brain fog and ADHD I was shit at tracking my symptoms with Long Covid and initially just as bad with Fibromyalgia. But with the Fibro, my awareness of my own body, how much physical activity I can undertake, what kind and how often has been the single greatest factor in improving my quality of life. Similarly, awareness of my ADHD, particularly after I started taking meds, has helped me notice when futile to attempt certain tasks. Knowing yourself helps you help you, and helps inform that good doctor, to help them help you.

I hope you’ve mostly got access to effective, unbiased medical professionals who know what they’re doing. But the rarer and lesser known your condition, it seems the better and more necessary it is to hone your own awareness. And trust that awareness. And communicate it to medical professionals until you get one who listens, understands and work with you as you are are, not merely how they assume/ anticipate you to be.

My Asexuality as a Teen (circa the early 2000’s)

My Asexuality in a (Baptist) Church

I went to church as a teenager. One that very much encouraged people not to engage in any sexual activity until marriage (and then with your marital partner). Other teens had boyfriends or girlfriends. Other teens found sexual restraint a challenge or debated at which level of sexual activity you technically ‘lost your virginity.’

But it was easy for me. I didn’t date. I didn’t feel sexual attraction or even really experience sexual desire (even a romantic desire to be intimate that way) at all. I also didn’t watch or read sexual content because it was foreign and just not part of my life experience. Sex avoidance was easy for me, as I was sexually disinterested.

[SideNote: I stopped attending church at seventeen when I realised I believed humans should fundamentally treat each other with decency and respect (as actual Jesus taught), but I disagreed about ‘original sin’, Satan & hell’s existence and Jesus -aka late Roman empire onwards western religion- being the sole path to ‘salvation’/ heaven.]

My Asexuality at High School

It may not surprise you that I was also sexually oblivious. By my last year of high school, sometimes my friends would laugh or think I was being very cheeky when I said things I thought were innocuous. I had no idea they were interpreting my choice of words in a sexual context.

Some good friends began to recognise this. They would tell me I was being ‘dirty’ and gaze patiently and knowingly at me, often with a smile, until I made the connection. Then I’d be appalled by their sexual mis-interpretation and a bit embarrassed the first few times. But they kept up it and I’d just burst out laughing and swear at them and they would laugh with me.

In hindsight, my high school friends may have noticed I was asexual before I did. They made my lack of sexual awareness part of the humour we shared and our bond. I would call it a positive experience. I felt acknowledged as different and accepted.

No one asked questions, because my lack of awareness —and by extension interest— was obvious. And I was very much one of those teens who was just myself, just different from a lot of people in so many ways (I now use labels: asexual, aromantic, nonbinary and neurodivergent). My friends loved me as I was and my asexuality didn’t really come up outside that circle.

Lack of Sexual & Romantic Feeling

Up until now I’d had ‘crushes’. You know, when you’re attracted to someone’s personality and looks and feel a bit funny in the tummy when they’re around? But that was all. I liked talking to those boys. In hindsight, I could happily have been friends with them. But when one offered me his hand to hold one day, I wasn’t fussed. When he flashed me his chest across the classroom, I took a good solid moment to notice that under his grinning face was his hands, and they were holding up his shirt. And I thought, ‘Ah. You have a six pack. That’s nice. Good for you.’

I just hadn’t experienced sexual attraction, or desire, or even the romantic desire to hold someone’s hand. Kissing scenes in movies confused me, because people would look at each other and then just kiss for no reason. As I started watching more adult television, it was the same thing with sex. They’d just start making out and taking each other’s clothes off for no reason. (To this day, rarely do I see kissing or sex scenes coming unless its a slow burn).

So Dating?

During high school I happily ‘decided to focus on my studies’ instead of boys. I was aware —it was obvious by the final year, when a lot of my friends had girlfriends or boyfriends— that having a romantic and sexual partner was the norm. All fiction and media and my every experience of society told me ‘you will want and seek and find someone to love and have sex with and be your partner in life.’ So at this time, when a friend said she was ‘focusing on her studies’, that was a happy excuse for me not to have to think about romance or dating or sex —because why would I? They didn’t interest me.

Asexuality at University

The excuse of ‘focusing on my studies’ could apply here. And I did have one crush at Uni. But by now I was aware that it was just an excuse. The idea of having a partner sounded nice, but I was fascinated by studying archaeology, writing epic fantasy (the seeds that later grew into the tree that is my debut Ruarnon Trilogy). And I just mostly wasn’t meeting anyone I fancied dating. And it didn’t occur to me to bother spending time seeking them.

So I shelved the ideas of romance and sex both, finished my bachelor of Arts, did Honours in archaeology, realised my dream of travel in Europe and Egypt, then did a Dip Ed.

Asexuality & Alienation From Allosexuals

I lost touch (swiftly) with my allosexual and romantically attracted high school friends when I finished high school. It was sad, but they’d often hang out with their partners, and be all couplesy and all that final year I just felt like we were drifting down completely different paths in life. I didn’t relate to their romantic or sexual attraction, their desire to be with partners etc. I couldn’t connect with them and their partner with me and my (nonexistent) partner. It isn’t easy to be that one single person in a friendship group that’s largely made up of couples.

But Uni was great. I quickly befriended a bunch of single people and at one time had a friendship group. Only four of us did honours in archaeology at my university and that became a friendship group of two (which sadly didn’t last much beyond Uni). And in my first overseas trip: I went on a Contiki tour and met lots of other single people. It wouldn’t be until my 2014 Contiki tour that I made (single) friends I’ve since stayed in touch with on social media and travelled with elsewhere. But it was the beginning of ‘finding my people’ and social circle among single people.

Asexuality as an Adult

Then I was a first year primary school teacher, renting my own two bedroom house in the countryside. I was feeling independent and challenged by teaching (having no idea how disorganised, distractible and what a hyper active —undiagnosed of course— ADHDer I was its astounding I did well those first years!) Teaching took all of my energy. The first serious, major rounds of edits of my epic fantasy took up the rest.

Have You Tried Online Dating?

I bet aromantic, and quite a few asexual people have heard this question A LOT. The allosexual, romantically attracted population (most of humanity) all seem to assume (as the media, fiction, society etc assumes) that EVERYONE wants someone to love and have sex with and be their partner in life. And when you’re in your late twenties and are showing no sign of seeking that person out, you can get a lot of encouragement to do so online.

So I did. I reached the point of intellectual curiosity about the human experience that I decided dating was something to explore. I joined a site and read testimonies of people ‘excited to wake up and see their daily matches’ with either disbelief or “Yah-NAH!” (which is Aussie for definitely not). I found looking at men’s profiles boring. (It may have been interesting if nonbinary was a thing and I could browse nonbinary profiles too, but cis men profiles bored me).

So I just let men message me because it was a boring waste of my time so why put energy into online dating? Someone did find me. We messaged and went on a few dates. I liked him.

I Don’t Reciprocate (Romantically or Sexually)

I was twenty seven by now. That nagging suspicion I’d had in high school when boys liked me that they always liked me more than I liked them was about to become clear. He was more attracted me. He was sexually attracted to me. He was very attracted to me as a person.

He wanted to hold my hand, kiss me and had I been happy to, he would have happily had sex with me early on. Holding hands was nice. Kissing was nice. Hugging was nice. But it wasn’t much more than that for me emotionally. I was still at the point of starting to like him. I didn’t mind receiving affection, but I didn’t have the emotional connection or desire to initiate it at this stage. It might me MONTHS before I liked, let alone loved him enough for that.

And it was very clear he was sexually attracted to me and that I wasn’t sexually attracted to him. He clearly liked sex, but I wasn’t ready to go there any time soon. And he was fine with that and happy to slow down.

Dating was fun, dizzying and it was interesting trying something new. But it was clear from the outset that in no respect did I feel as strongly about him. That I didn’t connect with him the way he connected with me. And it occurred to me that I may not do so. That perhaps I don’t work that way. That my suspicion relationships with men would, as I wondered as a teen, just break their hearts.

Single Life

I was lucky. He got a job he’d wanted for a long time, one that meant he’d be out of town for two thirds of the year. And we’d been talking online for two months before dating because he’d been out of town then. He was happy to keep seeing me, but it was up to me. Luckily, while much of the above wasn’t very clear to me yet, it was clear that with long distance dating I’d take ages to get to know him. That I’d rather do that in-person and wasn’t interested in a long distance relationship. So we went our separate ways on amicable terms.

What’s Next On my Bucket List?

Yep, that was my first thought when I stopped seeing the guy. I’d satiated my curiosity about dating, got a little bit of personal insight into romantic relationships, sexual attraction, romantic affection etc. I’d enhanced my capacity to relate to most of the rest of humanity. I was ready to delete my dating profile and focus my life on other things.

Which was great, because I got severe burnout that forth year of reapplying for another one year teaching contract —at that time a highly competitive, rigorous process. I moved to England to teach, travel and write epic fantasy on holidays for two years. I came to back to Australia to teach and went to New Zealand to do the same, flew home because it was 2020 and lived and taught back in Australia again.

To my surprise, I met someone else I found very attractive. Mature, smart, passionate about life, energetic and who shared my love of children. And I wondered, would I ever want to be more than best friends with this person? And I answered myself; I don’t think so. Hypothetically, would I ever want to have sex with them? And I realised; I would if they initiated it and wanted to. But circumstances (note I kept switching countries from 2014-2020) didn’t see us together and that was ok.

How My Asexual, Aromantic Life Looks Now

I’m not someone who feels romantic or sexual attraction. I don’t generally desire physical affection either. I don’t mind receiving it and I might hug people goodbye if everyone else is. But mainly I just hug my parents when I visit them and don’t feel the need to hug or be held by anyone (though it might have been nice during Long covid and Fibromalgia crashes, as being held or having my back stroked ease the feeling of fire those two conditions could cause in my back).

I don’t experience sexual desire (or any form of arousal —unless I stumble across a tv show/ book I like for other reasons that I didn’t realise would get that spicy or someone else tries to seduce me —its a rare and bold man who takes on that challenge!)

I’m as happily single as I’ve always been, with single (and yes, quite possibly also asexual and aromantic) housemates, single friends, and lots of writer friends I can interact with one on one online, without my not-being-part-of-a-couple getting in the way of our social connection.

Wherever my fellow aces lie on the asexual spectrum, and however much our experiences and exact asexual identities may differ, I’ve hope you’ve found a similar place of contentment socially (romantically and or sexually if you do either) and in your social circle.

Time Blindness, To When I Last Saw You

Time Blindness, To Me

How Can You Perceive Months as Weeks?

Hyper Focus

ADHD Sensory Overload & Not Thinking of You

ADHD, Cognitive Overload & Not Thinking of You

Object (& Concept) Permanence

Regular Overload =Regular Forgetfulness

Overload, Stress & Cognitive Inability

Distraction & Routine -Still Haven’t Called You

Distractibility -Its not That You Don’t Matter

Responsibility and Realistic Expectations

Final Note On Feelings & Positive Relationships

Related Reading

Comments & Conversation

Comments & Conversation, from a Neurodiverse Perspective

Identity Politics & Isolation

Reacting to Reality/ Happy/ Too Tired?

Conversations & My Writers & Authors Discord

Discord Channels to Foster Connection

Where Did the Fun Go?

Can We Still Have Fun?

SFF Appreciation Discord

Writer Community

Concluding Remark

Related Reading

Apparently We’re Being Censored

Shadow Bans

Total Content Bans (Edited 30/7/25)

Censorship Gone Mad? A Cautionary Tale?

What was the Purpose of the Censorship?

NSWF Censorship? (Added 30/7/25)

Queer Censorship? (Added 31/7/25)

Collective Shout &Trans People (Edited 30/7 & 4/8/25)

Collective Shout TERF Agenda? (Edited 4/8/25)

Where Does Collective Shout Get its Funding?(Added Aug 8)

Global Censorship Context

If You don’t Write Non-Consensual; You Can’t Fight it

Silence is Violence

Why Telling Rarkin’s Story in my Banned Book MATTERS

The Power Of Fiction

What Now?

Register Your Complaints

Protect Diverse Books

Related Reading

Sensory Challenges

Road Works, Construction & Obstructions

Obstruction Management Tip 1: Reduce Stimulation & Pressure

Obstruction Management Tip 2: Reduce Stimulation & Pressure With Help

Do You Have the Right Travel Companion?

Navigation Communication Challenge: Noise

Communication Tip: Seek Quiet

Sensory Overload

Site Seeing V.S. Sensory Need Balance Tip

Avoiding ADHD Time-Fail Tax

ADHD Booking & Time Tips

Tours and Accomodation Tips

Low Spoons Travel (Pain/ Fatigue/ Chronic Illness)

Low Energy Management; Snacks

Low Energy; Pace Yourself

Low Energy; Rest Breaks

Related Reading

Value People For Who They Are

Learn Before You Judge Someone

Communicate When Your Expectations Aren’t Met

Value Logic and Questions

Age & Rank Alone Don’t Matter to Me

There is No ‘Normal or ‘Abnormal’ Person

The Downside of Calling Humans ‘Normal’

You Don’t Need Permission To Speak

Just Tell Us Your News!

Make Personal Connections With What the Other Person Said

The Value of Sharing Personal Connections

Abolish Taboo Conversation Topics

Suicide & The Need to Talk

How Can We Deal With It, If We Won’t Even Discus it?

Get Comfortable With Your Own Discomfort

Cut The Minimising Platitudes

Speak Up & Protest!

Disclaimer

Comments & Conversation,
from a Neurodiverse Perspective

Collective Shout &Trans People
(Edited 30/7 & 4/8/25)

Where Does Collective Shout Get its Funding?
(Added Aug 8)

If You don’t Write Non-Consensual;
You Can’t Fight it

My Books
(YA Epic Fantasy with queer rep.)