Tag: communication

Yes, this blog title is intentionally provocative. With RFK Junior spouting all sorts of nonsense about autism, as an autistic person, I’d like to counter that with how some of my autistic traits make my life BETTER. I want to share with you how certain autistic approaches to speaking, communicating, logic and decision making, facing and dealing with the darker sides of reality, and appreciating the good stuff in life could, if you’re prepared to shift your perspective, help you do any of above more effectively. Autism isn’t a disease, its a difference and difference is an opportunity to learn.

Content Warning: suicide and rape are mentioned in relation to why its important to talk about unpleasant things under ‘Society Says You Can’t Say That, I say Say It.’

Value People For Who They Are

Some neurotypical person: You have to look people in the eye when you speak to them.

Me: why?

Them: because people will think you’re not listening, or your suspicious or maybe unstrustworthy.

Me: And that’s my problem? People making utterly unfounded assumptions about me, that have nothing to do with me personally? People not bothering to get to know me or bothering to judge me for who I am?

I wouldn’t do that to someone else. As an autistic person, I tend to miss cues in real time social situations (and my ADHD gets distracted), and I need to process in peace and quiet on my own. So the only thing I assume about other people is; there’s loads of things I don’t know or understand about them. I think that’s the golden rule to understanding people, yes, even someone you’ve been close to for years. If you don’t get their behaviour; assume you’re missing something.

Learn Before You Judge Someone

As an autistic person, whether I’m looking at students to judge their needs and how to support them, or at a fictional character, I don’t think anything until I’ve noticed and connected multiple things about that person/ character. If someone is upset, and another person is not expressing concern for them or doing anything to help, but is standing still, anxiously fidgeting and avoiding eye contact with the upset person; I’ll conclude they care. They just don’t know how to help or respond. Whereas another person might only see them not responding and assume they don’t care. One cue isn’t enough to go on, even if you ARE neurotypical.

So my first autistic lesson on people is; don’t make assumptions. Seek more information. Give people the benefit of the doubt. And instead of only looking for what you expect to see, notice what’s actually there. Don’t disregard someone because they didn’t do the thing you expected. Credit them for the helpful/ constructive thing they did do. (Unless they’re a politician, in which case I advise a healthy dose of skepticism for every side of politics, and trust what they actually do ten times more than anything any politician ‘claims’ they will do.)

Communicate When Your Expectations Aren’t Met

While we’re on expectations, if you aren’t happy with someone’s response, don’t expect them to just know you want them to respond a certain way, regardless of the context of the situation. None of of us grew up in the same house or have identical lived experiences, even if we did grow up with the same era/ culture/ religion.

Your neurotypical style of communication is DIFFERENT to my autistic, ADHD style communication. Making assumptions based on your experience is the fast lane to misunderstanding me, and anyone who differs from you in ways you didn’t realise. So be straight and honest with people, to ensure everyone in the conversation IS on the same page.

Value Logic and Questions

Autistic people can get ourselves into trouble for not respecting social hierarchies or for ‘answering back.’ There’s a very good reason for this; I don’t respect social hierarchies because I don’t see the point of them. I ask questions because I don’t understand and I want to understand. Or because I’m challenging someone who didn’t bother asking any questions, who just accepted something, which is why I think what they think is bullshit.

Age & Rank Alone Don’t Matter to Me

An example of both is ‘respect your elders.’ Problems with this include; age does not necessarily equal wisdom, life experience or knowledge. Age certainly doesn’t make anyone right by default. There are times as a teacher when a child says something that challenges my thinking. Where they change my mind about how we as a class or their group will do something. Because they asked a question, gave a good reason for their request, and I hadn’t thought of that and respected their reason.

I don’t care how old or rich you are, how many degrees you have or any privilege you claim. I don’t care for rank, whether its big boss in a workplace or Prime Minister. Its the knowledge and understanding you bring to any given situation that I value. Its your wisdom. Whether you’re treating people decently and resources appropriately. Its whether or not yours is the best solution to the problem, on the basis of evidence, reason and logic.

When the far right are on the rise, and having a field day in America, I don’t think I need to explain why the above is SO important.
If you’re an adult who feels threatened when kids ask you questions, or when they argue and give superior reasons to yours; this isn’t about your ego. Its not about your authority. Its about having the humility, the good grace and the sense to make use of the best logic, reasons and evidence in the room, to make the best decision for all parties effected.

So I urge you, don’t just make decisions based on what you feel. Evaluate the logic and all the reasons of the situation, like an autistic person. Seek the biggest, fullest picture, to best decide what to do with it.

There is No ‘Normal or ‘Abnormal’ Person

A lot of autistic people get bullied as kids/ teens for being different. A lot of neurotypical people approach communication assuming neurotypical norms are THE communication norm, thinking everyone should; make eye contact, greet people by name, ask how people are and so on. None of those communication styles is ‘normal’ to me. Just because you and lots of people you know do it that way doesn’t mean everyone else does. There are cultures where for certain people to make eye contact with others is disrespectful and rude. But we were assuming ‘white’ culture is the ‘norm’, weren’t we?

And when you assume your white, neurotypical, able bodied, cis gender, heterosexual ways are the norm, some people assume anything that doesn’t meet those expectations, anything ‘unfamiliar’ or ‘different’ is necessarily bad and wrong.

The Downside of Calling Humans ‘Normal’

‘They are not like me, and I am normal, therefore they are a freak/ bad/ wrong’ seems to underly every form of discrimination there is. It covers racism and sexism to homophobia, transphobia and ableism. When we get to white supremacy and ableism, the narrative becomes ‘my culture/ race/ body is better than yours, therefore I have value and you do not. My life matters. Your’s doesn’t.’

So I think that for any ally of any marginalised group, a great thing to take from autistic attitudes is not viewing yourself as ‘normal.’ And not viewing anyone unlike you as ‘abnormal.’

I was raised the way I was, you were raised the way you were. My brain is wired in certain ways, your brain is wired differently. There is no ‘normal’ and ‘abnormal’. There’s how we were taught we are supposed to live, ways we were taught some people live, and ways of living we weren’t taught about. All that means is there are different ways of living.

If we think of it as ‘people live differently’ as opposed to, ‘some people are normal and others are freaks,’ its becomes harder to alienate any human from their rights.

You Don’t Need Permission To Speak

A thing I often forgot to do as both a young autistic person who is inclined to do what they think makes sense, and as ADHD distraction prone, is to ask people how they are. You’re ‘supposed’ to do this. Its ‘good manners’. But the thing that really gets me about this is when I’m over half an hour into a conversation before I think to ask ‘how are you?’, and the person responds with something they really wanted to tell me. And I think, ‘Why did you wait 30 minutes for me to invite you to share that? If it matters to you; it matters to me. Why not just tell me?’

Somewhere along the way, I think many neuropytical people fell into the habit of only sharing their special news or saying how they’re going when someone asks them first. I suspect this is why there’s ‘never a good time’ to tell people bad news. Because people never ask, ‘What’s terribly wrong with you today?’ And they don’t expect or hint its ok to say shitty stuff. And with people feeling they don’t have ‘permission’ or an ‘invitation,’ or a ‘right time,’ I wonder if a lot of crap that needs saying doesn’t get said, or gets said late, by which point the relationship is falling apart.

Just Tell Us Your News!

I think that when people meet or catch up, it should go more like autistic or ADHD conversations. Where it may begin with ‘hi’, and the next point is, ‘I really wanted to tell you about x, because its so interesting/ exiting/ it matters to me and you matter to me, so I want you to know.’ We don’t literally say all this of course, but the ‘info dump’ of many of things neurodiverse people rattle off to each other when they haven’t seen each other for a while, like me and my mum when we catch up, is often this.

I think its a good thing. With neither party feeling the need for ‘permission,’ or ‘invitations;’ everyone shares what matters to them. Then we can ask for more details if we want them. No one feels unheard. No one feels ignored or like they don’t matter. There’s no room for misunderstandings, because everything either party wanted to say has been said.

True, it can still be tricky to broach for example potential sources of tension in relationships, but like all the good stuff, that still comes under ‘it matters to me so I told you.’ There’s no waiting for ‘right times’ that don’t come. No letting it sit on your chest and fester. I suggest; get everything said, communicated and know what’s going on with each other.

Make Personal Connections With What the Other Person Said

I know, controversial! Because when autistic people do this, some neurotypical people cry, “You made it about you! It was supposed to be about them! You’re supposed to give them their moment!”

So I’m supposed to let them stand on a pedestal saying some great or terrible thing that happened to them and say merely, ‘That’s great’ or, ‘O no. That’s terrible.’ That sounds like their ‘moment’ means being the centre of attention, while everyone else superficially engages with what they have to say. I don’t see the point of that. Superficial responses don’t signal ‘you are not alone.’ They don’t signal, ‘I get you.’ They have no capacity to deepen a relationship.

The Value of Sharing Personal Connections

If I’m sharing something important to me with you; its probably because I want to connect with you. I want to see that you understand.

If you’re sharing something bad with me, and I can make a deep personal connection to what you said; I am showing you that I get it. When my connection doesn’t quite fit; I’m showing you I don’t quite get it. If all I say is, ‘I’m sorry that happened to you,’ all I’m displaying is a very basic grasp of what you’re saying. And I’m leaving you standing on your own, little better off than you were before you opened your mouth.

Sometimes there’s isn’t anything we can constructively do to help people with their problems. But we can do more than just be there for them. We can show them; ‘not only am I here, I have stood where you stand and I get it. You are not alone.’ It matters for people to know that. So I say, go ahead and connect to the time when you think felt that way, or had to make a similar choice.

Abolish Taboo Conversation Topics

Suicide & The Need to Talk

According to Suicide Prevention Australia, Suicide is the leading cause of death among 15 to 25yos in my country, but we’re ‘not supposed to talk about it.’ Taboos like that seem to be part of neurotypilcal social expectations. The idea that some things are ‘too dark,’ or ‘not nice enough’ to discuss.

Suicide Australia also say 7 million Australians (roughly one quarter of our population) have been impacted by suicide. That’s 7 million people who would be left feeling isolated, with no one to talk to about their feelings or experiences, if we don’t talk about it because ‘its not nice’. In this case silence threatens people’s wellbeing.

There are things that NEED saying. Things people need to get off their chests and to inform their loved ones about. Then you can deepen your relationships by working through it together, or get the help or support you need etc. For the sake of our health, our wellbeing and our planet; we NEED to talk, directly, about unpleasant shit. Sure, maybe everyone can’t do it as bluntly and logically as some of us autistic people, but when it matters; give it a shot!

How Can We Deal With It, If We Won’t Even Discus it?

The other big reason we NEED to talk about unpleasant shit is things like; I think RFK Junior is a eugenicist (there’s a good explanation of how his antivaxxer stance promotes ‘soft eugenics’ from Science Based Medicine in this article). If we don’t admit what he is, or what he’s trying to do; we won’t stop him doing it. If we don’t call it ‘climate catastrophe,’ we’ll sit and watch the world burn.

And if we aren’t supposed to say ‘not nice things’ like ‘that person sexually abused me,’ if everyone in unused to hearing that, despite that according to the Australian Institute of Health and Welfare 26.1% of Australian women have been sexually abused… we get a culture where people don’t talk about sexual abuse. They don’t hear it.

Then they don’t know how to respond. They don’t know how to accept that something like that happened to someone they know. They don’t know how to respond to the fact that they, like 20% of those women, know the offender. And they sure as hell don’t know how to support victims of sexual or family violence.

The direct statements of an autistic person calling out something as immoral, with no neurotypical filtering to sound ‘nice,’ might make some people uncomfortable. But our lack of giving a shit about what we ‘can’ or ‘can’t,’ say, or whatever makes neurotypical people squeamish about calling out reality; that positions autistic people like Gretna Thunberg to tackle climate change.

We need more non-autistic people standing up and saying how and why something is wrong and that it SHOULD NOT BE HAPPENING.

Get Comfortable With Your Own Discomfort

Austistic people are used to not being comfortable. Many of us frequently feel like we ‘don’t fit’ and like we blunder through social situations. We’re used to being in environments like classrooms or shopping centres where the amount of STUFF on shelves, walls, the NOISE of so many PEOPLE screams at us, and is TOO MUCH. (Minimisation tips in this post.)

Discomfort is normal to autistic people. Its not pleasant, but it does have an advantage. Sometimes I feel like neurotypical expectations have raised people to be fragile. To have sensitive ears that hurt when you say things like ‘genocide’ or ‘rape’. But anyone who struggles to even listen to those words is completely useless when it comes to stopping the horror that’s the actuality of genocide and rape culture. Raising people to ‘dance on egg shells’, ‘beat round bushes’, and ‘don’t say that, it’s not nice,’ is raising a generation of people too gutless to confront abuse, exploitation, corruption or genocide.

Cut The Minimising Platitudes

Here we come across a plethora of sayings that aim to silence dissent and preserve the status quo. ‘Don’t rock the boat,’ ‘don’t make waves,’ ‘don’t upset the apple cart.’ Never mind that the ‘boat’ allowed white supremacy, sexism, misogyny, ableism, homophobia and transphobia to thrive for centuries. That its still deeply tainted.

And then we’re onto other sayings, ‘calm down,’ ‘chill,’ ‘it can’t be that bad.’ These allow people to disconnect from reality and deny how bad any given situation is. They seem aimed at ensuring people feel comfortable, even as the world burns around us, because we were too complacent to do enough about climate change, soon enough.

Speak Up & Protest!

When it comes to what’s wrong with the world, autistic people like Gretna Thunberg may be the voice you don’t want to listen to. You’re conscience sayng ‘this is wrong and we have to act.’ Again, this is not about YOU. Its about Palestinians being starved to death in Gaza by a regime that’s come full circle, from fleeing fascism to embracing it to annihilate Palestinians. Its about all the disabled people RFK Junior wants to stick in ‘wellness’ camps.

The autistic strength when shit gets fucked is we don’t put our personal feelings about shit being fucked first. We’re not shocked at finding ourselves outside our comfort zone (we pretty much live there already). And I think our struggle to sometimes understand emotions, and the ease we tend to have with logic, inclines us to put our logical understanding that shit is fucked and action MUST be taken to unfuck it first.

Our blunt calls to do so bypass neurotypical uncertainty because something pushed them outside their comfort zone. They bypass the neurotypical tendency to flinch from the truth, not call things what they are, delay, delay, delay; until things get WORSE. So SPEAK UP (like we do)!

Disclaimer

(Yes, I acknowledge not all neurotypical people are the same. Nor are all autistic people. But the general patterns I see with a lot of neurotypical people when it comes to stubbornly refusing to abandon the illusion of their comfort zone, to face shit being fucked and get off their backsides and DO ANYTHING for our planet, democracy, Palestine etc, CONCERNS me.)

Sharing the Good Stuff

Having raised some heavy shit, I’d like to end with an autistic approach to life that can make the good parts better. My mum likes travelling with me. She says seeing my enthusiasm makes site seeing more enjoyable. I’ve never cared if people view my displays of enthusiasm as ‘child like’ or ‘over the top’ or whatever. If I LOVE something, than I LOVE it. I’m not going to tone it down because ‘maybe someone will judge me.’

When the emotion is enthusiasm, I don’t think I’ve seen someone judge me badly. As an adult, people either smile, or they don’t click with whatever I’m responding to and they move on. And by not giving a shit either way, I get to fully feel and express my excitement at seeing something beautiful, or new. Heck, I’ll pause part way down the street to stare up at possums at night, or to smile at birds by day.

Smell Those Roses

All of us are so busy with our own lives, we often don’t even notice things. I once went to the supermarket wearing fluffy rainbow slippers because I forgot I had them on under my flared jeans. A group of teens had a chuckle when they noticed and smiled at me. No one else noticed a thing. I think ‘other people’ care far less about any one person than that one person thinks. I think most people care far too much about what other people might think of them. And I’ve never had any intention of letting fear of others opinions get in the way of having fun.

I don’t know strangers. Therefore I don’t care what they think. (Though them agreeing with me does score them points ;). Expressing my autistic enthusiasm for life lets me enjoy it fully, and it makes other people either notice what I’m noticing, or notice my enjoyment. Either one tends to make them smile.

In a world with TONNES OF SHIT going on, its important to smell those roses, smile at screeching rainbow lorikeets zooming past your head, stare at pretty sunsets etc. Let yourself fully enjoy life, and rather than people judging you, you may see them enjoying it with you.

Related Reading

Writing Neurodiverse and Disabled Characters

Oh, I’m Also Actually Autistic (Identifying which of my traits are autistic).

Manging My Neurodiversity (Communication, processing and mental health strategies).

Minimising Visual Overload (for autistic & ADHD comfort)