Elise Carlson

A Fantasy Author's Adventures in Fiction & Life

Tag: autistic

October 4, 2025 / / 0 Comments

Earlier this year, I saw a post on Bsky complaining about someone with ADHD ‘treating them badly,’ by not contacting them for months. To me, a person with ADHD, that’s like criticising a blind person for being vision impaired. The post suggested that maybe that person should not be in a relationship with someone who has ADHD. Because they have zero understanding of how ADHD impacts that person, and they don’t know what they signed up for by being in that relationship. In this blog, I’d like to note some of my major ADHD traits and how they can impact my relationships. I hope this helps increase awareness among neurotypical people in relationships with ADHDers. And I hope it helps provide clarity for fellow ADHDers, for ADHD Awareness Month and beyond.

Time Blindness, To When I Last Saw You

The reason I said criticising a person with ADHD for not contacting you for say six months (which is not super long time for someone with ADHD), is because of time blindness. I can feel like I saw that person recently. It was a few weeks ago, or a couple of months, or three, or something like that. I don’t actually know how long it was. I’d have to almost literally get out a calendar and count weeks/ months. And yes, it WILL be longer than I thought, possibly double or even triple the time. I often simply do not perceive how much time has passed.

The other half of time blindness is when I work out that I haven’t called one of my parents for two or three months and have been meaning to. “I must call them,” I think. Then I get busy, distracted. Again, I think, “I must call them.” Its only a week I’ve been meaning to call them? Or was it two? Three? Oh dear, it might have been more like six!

Time Blindness, To Me

Its not that time doesn’t exist. To me its more like anything beyond a week is abstract and increasing vagueness. I can perceive the passage of two weeks, three, a month as if they are exactly the same passage of time. They feel it and I recall them the same way as each other. I can go weeks, even months without properly perceiving time.

So it may be that I’ve no idea if it was weeks or months since I saw you last. I feel like it was four weeks, but it could have been four months. Its not that I don’t care about you. Its that to me it hasn’t been much time at all. So I don’t miss you yet and I’m not rushing to my phone to contact you.

How Can You Perceive Months as Weeks?

Hyper Focus

I can only focus on and do one big thing properly at a time. I can teach students that day, or I can work on my novel that day. It doesn’t matter that I have three hours where I’m not teaching or running errands. I cannot hold all the teaching and student knowledge, and all my characters, world building and plot knowledge in my head on the same day. Or any of five working days of the week, when I was teaching full time. When its the working week; I am thinking about work. I barely give a thought to people I don’t live with, who aren’t relevant to work. There is very little space in my head for them too; my head is stuffed full.

ADHD Sensory Overload & Not Thinking of You

Another thing to be aware of for people with ADHD, is that we, as the psychologist who diagnosed me explained it; do not filter out excess information properly; ever. The extent to which we notice EVERYTHING, every moment, all day long, varies between people with ADHD (and energy levels etc). But in my kitchen, if I look at the floor, I perceive every single crumb, or tiny drip of whatever. All of them, all at once. When I’m in a room full of people, I hear every single voice. All at once. If people are standing close enough to me, I can partly listen to two conversations simultaneously. Sometimes its hard not to.

So as a primary school teacher, I spend my whole day aware of every child and their every movement. And the placement of chairs not pushed in, of objects not put away… around there I hit sensory overload. Sometimes students leave the room and THEN I notice they left rubbish on the floor. And that’s just the visual overload. Again, I can hear them all talking. I notice that child seems unwell. That one is tired and that one is upset. That one needs social support to work with their group, that one is too loud, that one is unfocused.
(Yes, I also have autism and it can be hard to tell the difference between ‘ADHD sensory and information overload’ and ‘autistic sensory overload,’ if such a distinction exists.)

ADHD, Cognitive Overload & Not Thinking of You

My entire day at work is an endless stream of excessive sensory information. And that doesn’t account for conversations. I hear everything that child said about why they struggled with the task, or to work in a group. And I notice their body language, and their word choices, and what they didn’t say. Then I inferred and I reasoned. I drew conclusions. And I might do this for at least one student, possibly three or four, every hour of all five hours I teach a day. (No, this is not the core focus of what I’m teaching or checking the learning of all twenty something students on, this is on top of that.)

By the end of my work day, especially if I didn’t take my ADHD medication, hell on a busy day, even if I did; I am at sensory input overload. I am at cognitive processing of information overload. All I want is to come home, sit on the couch, or go for a walk and zone out. I need to rest and recharge. The last thing I am thinking about is that friend or family member I haven’t called, for I don’t know how long.

Object (& Concept) Permanence

Now you’ve got a clearer understanding of how overloaded I am when I come home from work, imagine how I’d react if the first thing you ask me is, “Did you do thing?” At this point I am so overloaded that I have no idea what you’re talking about. I don’t even remember that we own a bicycle. Why on Earth would I have thought to pump up its tyres?

People with ADHD often joke that we forget things exist, or that concepts, or social practices, even practical solutions for physical or digital problems exist. I cannot begin to tell you how many times I figured out the hard way to solve a problem. A big part of it is being so overloaded that all the sensory and cognitive information starts to overflow from my brain. I cannot hold onto it, I cannot be aware of it.

Worst case scenario, I’m so overloaded that I don’t even recall which strategies I already tried to solve the problem. I can alternate between attempting multiple already failed strategies, multiple times, and continue not solving the problem over and over. As you may imagine, the latter is overwhelming, stressful, FRUSTRATING and tends to lead me to autistic meltdowns.

Regular Overload =Regular Forgetfulness

When I am writing my novel at home, the sense of everything I need to recall about characters, and world building and plot is too much and is flowing out of my brain, which cannot hold it all, is my cue to take a lunch break. Or to go for a walk/ or exercise to clear my head. I hit this point regularly on writing days my twenties, and often in my thirties. It was part of my standard writing routine. I would write until I forgot who was where, doing what, why or what I intended to come next. I would write myself into a state of total cognitive overload, on a daily basis, on school holidays.

At that stage I cannot properly recall or think about anything. I’m in a state of increasingly worse ADHD brain fog and executive dysfunction. A state of extreme forgetfulness. Now is not the time to talk to you about anything that matters. I may not even make sense when I talk to you. And I definitely cannot meaningfully, let alone accurately, process what you are saying.

For me exercise works at this point because I allow myself to totally and utterly forget everything. Its like freeing up space on an overcrowded hard drive, lightening the cognitive load so my brain can function again. (At this point my autistic desire to stick to the plan, which is to finish the one big project for that day, kicks in, and I am still not picking up the phone and calling you. I attempting to write again. After that; I need rest because I have cognitively exhausted myself, again).

Overload, Stress & Cognitive Inability

Imagine you didn’t know all the above me. I’m so overloaded I can’t tell you half of anything I know about literally anything. I can barely think straight. And you make a demand of me. I might burst into tears, throw my hands up in the air, tell you to leave me alone or otherwise snap back at you. It may seem like an emotional outburst that comes out of nowhere. It isn’t (though it does resemble my autistic meltdowns, which are also usually caused by cognitive overload and me being unable to do something I REALLY want done, hours ago, because of it).

As a blunt autistic person I might tell you some of the above. I may straight out tell you, “I cannot talk about this thing now because my brain is not working properly.” It isn’t that you don’t matter. Nor is it that I don’t value you or the thing. It is that I cognitively cannot right now.

I would like to note at this point that I have been told by many people that I’m very articulate. I’m very able to say how things are for me and I have a very clear understanding of myself. Its likely that the ADHD (or autistic) person in your life, or you yourself, if its you! are not (yet/ ever) so clear. So I say all this to raise possibilities and make you aware of what could be going on, in your interactions with/ as an ADHD person.

Distraction & Routine -Still Haven’t Called You

Honestly, the only reason I don’t regularly go a year or more without contacting friends and family I genuinely like/ love/ want to spend time with, is because I’m a primary school teacher. Luckily in Australia, that means my working year is divided into quarters, with at least two week breaks between each. That means I have two weeks of not hitting sensory and info overload every work day. And I’m not spending every evening and most of my weekends recharging. So I can stop and think; who did I last see when? Who do I need to contact?

(This is also when I do personal chores that are not day to day, and periodic jobs like spring cleaning.) If my parents don’t contact me or organise something with me, and its left for me to initiate; I would see them four times a year.

Another factor in this is routine. Somewhere along the way (the habit was damaged by several years of chronic illness after long covid), my routine became contact and catch up every school holidays. Try and keep an eye on time and not go more than two months without seeing, or at least calling my parents. When those routines/ habits are disrupted, ADHD distractibility keeps me busy.

Distractibility -Its not That You Don’t Matter

I can’t tell you how many times said I would do something for someone, and then did it hours or days later than I said. And that’s possibly with reminders from them because I totally forgot (multiple times).

In-the-moment things other people want of me, that I cannot immediately do, are a CHALLENGE to recall the existence of, let alone actually do. (Yes, even if I did take my ADHD meds that day.) For example, the little request a child took five seconds to make of me immediately gets pushed aside by five other students needing things I take thirty minutes to provide them with. The five second request doesn’t even enter my short term memory (unless I write it down). I ‘recalled’ it no longer than it took the student to say it, and me to think, “I must do that thing.”

For bigger, more important things, it could be that I fully intended to help plan that holiday with you. But I was busy, and sensory and information overloaded during my working week. There wasn’t enough time away from that, to exercise and clear my head. To dump out the work stuff and properly think about and help you plan that holiday. Yes, including on the weekend. You matter, the holiday matters; so I want to plan it properly; when I’m focused. Not when overloaded and with my brain split in multiple directions to meet other deadlines.

Responsibility and Realistic Expectations

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying, “I didn’t do this because ADHD, therefore its fine and nothing more is required of me.” I am saying how hard it is. How much energy, effort and discipline, and ultimately sheer stubbornness it takes to work around sensory overload, around cognitive overload, and time blindness, to stop hyper focusing on the big important thing I really need to get done… to pick up the phone and call you. Its a ‘small, simple thing’ and the straw that broke the camel’s back. Or I manage to set aside my cognitive load and make that call, but it takes A LOT of effort. It takes time to meet my deadlines, finish other big things and give you/ the thing you want done my full attention, as I wish to. It will happen, with me organising us catching up, but less often than you may anticipate or want. Guaranteed.

If that doesn’t work for you, if you cannot accept that, then you cannot except me the way I am. And I do not think it is constructive for us to be in a relationship. It will only hurt you, or frustrate you, and strain our relationship. And I will feel bad, and frustrated at myself for letting you down, or frustrated at you for expecting me to wave a magic wand to instantly meet your expectations. Or mad because you think its fine to expect me to push myself to my limits to overcome all of the above obstacles, to ensure I call you fortnightly (hold your breath waiting for that and you will die!) Especially when it appears I’m putting in triple the effort to what you are, and you feel entitled to my two thirds of extra effort.

Final Note On Feelings & Positive Relationships

I’m lucky; I’m stubborn. And pig headed. I know exactly what I will and will not stand for. But a lot of neurodiverse people can be the opposite. Autistic and or ADHD people can very be sensitive to how our cations impact others. A lot of ADHD people can anxious about if they stuffed something up, or put the other person out. Both my GP and psychiatrist paused during my diagnostic appointment to note how unusual it is that I don’t struggle with anxiety. That is very much the norm for people with ADHD.

And while I have calmly, and perhaps bluntly and articulately told you how many of aspects of my ADHD can impact me in my relationships; other ADHD (and autistic) people will feel differently. Many are likely to behave differently. Anxiety and stress are common responses to living with ADHD, particularly when overload hits, and or when you forgot that a super important thing you didn’t do yet exists.

My big point here is what you see of an ADHD person in your life/ of yourself, especially if, like me, you diagnosed late in life; may be the tip of the iceberg. Assume there is more going on than you can see (in your relationship with all humans, period!) There may be more going on than the ADHD (or autistic) person in your life is aware of themself, or is able to articulate, including how they feel about it. If you value them, and your relationship with them; be prepared to navigate that, to some extent, together. Be prepared to ask questions, to get answers, or not. And for God’s sake, check in on each other’s feelings!

Blue edged, pink, orange and yellow rainbow scroll with text: Get blogs in your inbox & updates from Elise every second month. Join my Fiction Frolics. Select this image to learn more.

Related Reading

I Think I’m Neurodivergent: ADHD?

Starting ADHD Meds & ADHD Struggles

Managing My ADHD

40 ADHD Hacks by ADDitude (why did it never occur to me to read something like this before? Now I’ve reinvented the wheel for many of these.)

Writing Diverse Characters Part 1: Problematic Rep to avoid (especially neurodiverse and disabled).

Writing Diverse Characters Part 2: How to (Write Disabled and Neurodiverse Characters Tips)

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July 17, 2025 / / 0 Comments

My most delayed thing after long covid in 2022 was planning to travel. Navigating with autism and ADHD alone can be overstimulating, tiring and frustrating. But with a Fibro diagnosis, I now have to plan not only for autistic sensory needs and ADHD challenges, but for low physical energy, high risk of chronic fatigue and pain. So whether you’re travelling as or with an autistic person, ADHD person, or someone prone to fatigue and pain, I’ll attempt to unpack the factors I think you need to consider to minimise stress, fatigue and pain and to maximise comfort on your trip.

Sensory Challenges

Road Works, Construction & Obstructions

As navigator and driver, for me navigating unknown roads with roadworks is like navigating with one eye blindfolded and someone poking me repeatedly in the arm. My brain processes a row of cones, construction workers in their fluro clothes, trucks and other equipment as ‘big mass of stuff.’ I don’t want to look at ‘big mass of stuff’ because its overstimulating. So if the entrance to the venue, or my turn is next to or beside, behind or otherwise close to ‘big mass of stuff’… I struggle to process said venue/ turn’s existence.

I will miss the turn, because I’m so busy juggling not being overstimulated with not crashing into traffic moving at a different speed and direction, that I have zero processing power to perceive the second road. I’ll walk right past the entrance because I don’t see an entrance, just ‘shit ton of visual info, brain is jamming, look away!’

Obstruction Management Tip 1: Reduce Stimulation & Pressure

To locate the venue when roadworks, construction sites or other obstructions are present, I suggest navigating as near as you can by car. Then park the car. Now you don’t have to worry about crashing, so you can consult your phone and compare it to reality under less pressure. If you have to turn back into traffic and drive further; that’s fine. Its better than crashing. Its also better than a verbal argument with your navigator because you’re visually overstimulated and stressed.

Obstruction Management Tip 2: Reduce Stimulation & Pressure With Help

If your brain is already jammed with sensory overload, or fogged by covid, fibromyalgia or other condition, and you can’t connect your phone’s navigation directions to geographical reality… ask someone on the street. Or a customer service person in a shop.

Sometimes our brains fail us (I’ve navigated with moderate brain fog, moderate fatigue and severe ADHD and could barely navigate a supermarket, let alone New Zealand.) Don’t be hard on yourself, don’t persevere if your brain will not co-operate or is otherwise being an arse. Just ask someone else when its clear reality, your map and brain are not co-operating. This will save time, frustration and spare you the exhaustion of doing something very draining, because you’re attempting it while cognitively and or physically impaired.

For advice on minimising visual overstimulation at home, see this post.

Do You Have the Right Travel Companion?

To the able bodied, neurotypycal reader, if you’re travelling with someone who struggles with navigation/ overtimulation, and you struggle to be patient with that; I suggest don’t travel together. There are too many factors with the potential to cause tension, stress and frustration on both sides. If you don’t understand and or can’t be patient with the other person’s struggles; you’re likely making a challenging situation worse.

To the neurodivergent/ disabled reader, if you suspect your travel companion(s) do not understand why navigation is so difficult/ frustrating/ stressful for you; can you manage better on your own? I often travel solo, so I KNOW its more work. But depending how much strain travelling with a companion puts on you, is it ultimately less stressful/ less exhausting to travel solo? (You could just meet them at your destination.)

Navigation Communication Challenge: Noise

If you’re travelling with an autistic person, please bear in mind that we can hear you, and the conversation next to and behind us, and birds chirping and traffic and car horns and- If you are travelling with an ADHD person, they may be listening to you, then that song they love pumping out the window of a passing car, or something funny the person behind them said.

Communication Tip: Seek Quiet

For autism, be prepared to step into a quiet laneway, shop or somewhere less noisy, so the autistic person you’re speaking to is processing what you, and no one else is saying. We can’t receive the message ‘lets go into that museum’ when its competing with ‘(insert lyrics),’ ‘Mum I want an icecream!’, ‘Hi Steve!’ Bang, thud thud, DRILLL! from the construction site.

So to give an autistic (or ADHD) person the best chance to hear what you’re saying about where to go next; say it somewhere quiet. Turn off the radio. Ask the back seat passengers to stop speaking when a passenger is giving the driver directions.

Minimising noise makes audio directions or suggestions easier to access and respond to. It also saves you having to repeat yourself umpteen times every time you want to say, ‘I need to go to the toilet first.’

Sensory Overload

City’s are fun. They have buildings from many eras, and people from all over the world moving through their streets. They’re also busy, noisy and jam packed with visual information. I love walking city streets, listening to foreign accents, and taking photos of historic buildings. But as an AuDHD person; I NEED balance in my site seeing. I DO NOT WANT to site see in a busy, crowded, noisy city multiple days in a row. There comes a point where every hour I get tireder, more overloaded and more easily frustrated. Where city site seeing has become a tiring struggle to process ‘big wall of sound and visual info overload’.

Site Seeing V.S. Sensory Need Balance Tip

My favourite way to let my overstimulated brain and tense body relax, is to punctuate loud, crowded city site seeing with quieter, peaceful breaks. For example, spend 30 mins or more wandering a state library. Spend an afternoon at the zoo, or a morning wandering the city’s botanic gardens. I love gardens and animals, and tend to visit at least either in every city. I find it makes for calmer, more relaxed, more enjoyable travel.

View through grubby windscreen of a bend lined with protective metal fence, right pointing arrows, pretty gum trees and green slopes down to pale blue and cloudy horizon.

Avoiding ADHD Time-Fail Tax

Last year I navigated New Zealand’s North Island with moderate brain fog, moderate fatigue and severe (undiagnosed and unmedicated) ADHD. My biggest learning was; do NOT book morning anything unless staying within a 15 minute drive of that activity. I was one hours drive away from one activity, gave myself two hours to get there and still missed it. My ADHD got distracted, and missed a turn. Then I lost track of time, and drove 20 minutes beyond the turn before realising I’d missed it.

ADHD Booking & Time Tips

  1. Use a Physical Calendar, with days of the week and dates labelled to write bookings on manually. (Days and dates DO NOT correlate in my brain and a device offers too many distractions. So I have an A4 weekly calendar notepad and its a huge help to my school holiday and travel planning.)

2. Dates: double check the month, year and 24 hour timing when you book. (Yes, I did drag my family to the air port 12 hours early to see me off the first time I flew to England. Better 12 hours early than 12 hours late!)

3. Timezones: check your device for local time before you plan your next step. Especially before you go buy food at an airport. (Yes, they may refer to flight number but not destination when changing your gate just before boarding. And not page you to the new gate when you don’t board on time).

Tours and Accomodation Tips

Morning Activities: Only book a morning anything, which doesn’t allow for mis-navigating the countryside, if you’re staying a SHORT distance from the morning activity.

Extra Time: If your drive is theoretically 30 minutes, give yourself AT LEAST one hour to get there. (To allow for factors you forgot to consider that could delay you, like traffic, road works, finding a car park etc.)

If there’s one thing you really want to do/ see, plan your trip so if there doesn’t end up being time for it today; you’ve got time tomorrow. Flexibility was essential to my last solo, unmedicated ADHD trip!

Low Spoons Travel (Pain/ Fatigue/ Chronic Illness)

I’ve just come back from a road trip with my mum. I put my back out on day one, just before we got in the car. Constant back pain quickly became fatigue. It mean difficulty getting in and out of the car and difficulty walking. It meant I burnt through energy quickly, and got tired and frustrated swiftly. These latter are things I have to be aware of all the time, because I have fibromyalgia, and that (permanently) predisposes me to brain fog, fatigue and chronic pain.

Low Energy Management; Snacks

Normally we try to cut back on snacks because we’re eating too much period, or too many calories. This DOES NOT apply to me when I travel. On my recent 9 day road trip, I didn’t just need breakfast, lunch and dinner. I either needed a substantial breakfast, lunch, afternoon tea and dinner, or breakfast, morning tea, lunch and dinner. Any one big physical activity, like an hour long walk, needed to be followed by eating and drinking. I might not notice I was hungry, but a meal made me feel better. Food and drink as fuel run out faster for me when I travel.

Low Energy; Pace Yourself

Even when my back recovered on my road trip, I still had to pace myself. If the slope was steep, or there were too many stairs, or I walked for longer than an hour, a flare of burning back pain and or fatigue (due to fibro) were likely. (When I say fatigue, my feet/ legs/ lower back feel A LOT heavier than usual, like I have to peel my feet off the ground and actively fight gravity to take each step).

Low Energy; Rest Breaks

What if I wanted to spend two hours walking around the botanic gardens/ nature trail/ city centre? This happened in Adelaide recently. I was able to walk for several hours; mostly because in the middle we sat at a cafe for a good forty minutes. I sat in a chair with proper back support and sunk into it, letting my body recharge. (And used this as the snack and drink recharge mentioned above). After that sit down; I could keep walking.

Another option when travelling solo for me is that with my seat adjusted to support my back sufficiently, sitting in the car driving helps me physically recharge.

Low Energy; Mobility Aids

The thing about invisible illnesses is you can’t see the bastards. Vision impaired people can get glasses, and hearing impaired people can get hearing aids. But do people with fatigue or chronic pain need mobility aids?

This is a conversation I didn’t have with my doctor, not when diagnosed with long covid, or fibromyalgia. But with back pain from putting my back out, my mother, having her own back issues, knew I wasn’t able to walk. So she did some research, and found that walking polls can provide physical support, while also helping a person build their core body muscles. (This article is aimed at hikers, but consider how more even distribution of your weight and the strain of making it walk can aid low energy movement.)

My mum bought me walking polls in Adelaide, which I used on nature trails. I found them especially helpful to reduce the strain on my body and my proneness to pain and fatigue when walking uphill, and up or downstairs. They were also great for longer walks, where I wanted to go further, but was tired and or fatigued.

So if you’re prone to chronic pain or fatigue, I suggest discussing mobility aids with your GP.

Blue edged, pink, orange and yellow rainbow scroll with text: Get blogs in your inbox & updates from Elise every second month. Join my Fiction Frolics. Select this image to learn more.

Related Reading

Chronically Ill & Neurodivergent Guide to Protests/ Public Events

Manging My Neurodiversity (Communication, processing and mental health strategies).

Minimising Visual Overload (for autistic & ADHD comfort)

Writing Neurodiverse and Disabled Characters

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May 12, 2025 / / 1 Comment

Yes, this blog title is intentionally provocative. With RFK Junior spouting all sorts of nonsense about autism, as an autistic person, I’d like to counter that with how some of my autistic traits make my life BETTER. I want to share with you how certain autistic approaches to speaking, communicating, logic and decision making, facing and dealing with the darker sides of reality, and appreciating the good stuff in life could, if you’re prepared to shift your perspective, help you do any of above more effectively. Autism isn’t a disease, its a difference and difference is an opportunity to learn.

Content Warning: suicide and rape are mentioned in relation to why its important to talk about unpleasant things under ‘Society Says You Can’t Say That, I say Say It.’

Value People For Who They Are

Some neurotypical person: You have to look people in the eye when you speak to them.

Me: why?

Them: because people will think you’re not listening, or your suspicious or maybe unstrustworthy.

Me: And that’s my problem? People making utterly unfounded assumptions about me, that have nothing to do with me personally? People not bothering to get to know me or bothering to judge me for who I am?

I wouldn’t do that to someone else. As an autistic person, I tend to miss cues in real time social situations (and my ADHD gets distracted), and I need to process in peace and quiet on my own. So the only thing I assume about other people is; there’s loads of things I don’t know or understand about them. I think that’s the golden rule to understanding people, yes, even someone you’ve been close to for years. If you don’t get their behaviour; assume you’re missing something.

Learn Before You Judge Someone

As an autistic person, whether I’m looking at students to judge their needs and how to support them, or at a fictional character, I don’t think anything until I’ve noticed and connected multiple things about that person/ character. If someone is upset, and another person is not expressing concern for them or doing anything to help, but is standing still, anxiously fidgeting and avoiding eye contact with the upset person; I’ll conclude they care. They just don’t know how to help or respond. Whereas another person might only see them not responding and assume they don’t care. One cue isn’t enough to go on, even if you ARE neurotypical.

So my first autistic lesson on people is; don’t make assumptions. Seek more information. Give people the benefit of the doubt. And instead of only looking for what you expect to see, notice what’s actually there. Don’t disregard someone because they didn’t do the thing you expected. Credit them for the helpful/ constructive thing they did do. (Unless they’re a politician, in which case I advise a healthy dose of skepticism for every side of politics, and trust what they actually do ten times more than anything any politician ‘claims’ they will do.)

Communicate When Your Expectations Aren’t Met

While we’re on expectations, if you aren’t happy with someone’s response, don’t expect them to just know you want them to respond a certain way, regardless of the context of the situation. None of of us grew up in the same house or have identical lived experiences, even if we did grow up with the same era/ culture/ religion.

Your neurotypical style of communication is DIFFERENT to my autistic, ADHD style communication. Making assumptions based on your experience is the fast lane to misunderstanding me, and anyone who differs from you in ways you didn’t realise. So be straight and honest with people, to ensure everyone in the conversation IS on the same page.

Value Logic and Questions

Autistic people can get ourselves into trouble for not respecting social hierarchies or for ‘answering back.’ There’s a very good reason for this; I don’t respect social hierarchies because I don’t see the point of them. I ask questions because I don’t understand and I want to understand. Or because I’m challenging someone who didn’t bother asking any questions, who just accepted something, which is why I think what they think is bullshit.

Age & Rank Alone Don’t Matter to Me

An example of both is ‘respect your elders.’ Problems with this include; age does not necessarily equal wisdom, life experience or knowledge. Age certainly doesn’t make anyone right by default. There are times as a teacher when a child says something that challenges my thinking. Where they change my mind about how we as a class or their group will do something. Because they asked a question, gave a good reason for their request, and I hadn’t thought of that and respected their reason.

I don’t care how old or rich you are, how many degrees you have or any privilege you claim. I don’t care for rank, whether its big boss in a workplace or Prime Minister. Its the knowledge and understanding you bring to any given situation that I value. Its your wisdom. Whether you’re treating people decently and resources appropriately. Its whether or not yours is the best solution to the problem, on the basis of evidence, reason and logic.

When the far right are on the rise, and having a field day in America, I don’t think I need to explain why the above is SO important.
If you’re an adult who feels threatened when kids ask you questions, or when they argue and give superior reasons to yours; this isn’t about your ego. Its not about your authority. Its about having the humility, the good grace and the sense to make use of the best logic, reasons and evidence in the room, to make the best decision for all parties effected.

So I urge you, don’t just make decisions based on what you feel. Evaluate the logic and all the reasons of the situation, like an autistic person. Seek the biggest, fullest picture, to best decide what to do with it.

There is No ‘Normal or ‘Abnormal’ Person

A lot of autistic people get bullied as kids/ teens for being different. A lot of neurotypical people approach communication assuming neurotypical norms are THE communication norm, thinking everyone should; make eye contact, greet people by name, ask how people are and so on. None of those communication styles is ‘normal’ to me. Just because you and lots of people you know do it that way doesn’t mean everyone else does. There are cultures where for certain people to make eye contact with others is disrespectful and rude. But we were assuming ‘white’ culture is the ‘norm’, weren’t we?

And when you assume your white, neurotypical, able bodied, cis gender, heterosexual ways are the norm, some people assume anything that doesn’t meet those expectations, anything ‘unfamiliar’ or ‘different’ is necessarily bad and wrong.

The Downside of Calling Humans ‘Normal’

‘They are not like me, and I am normal, therefore they are a freak/ bad/ wrong’ seems to underly every form of discrimination there is. It covers racism and sexism to homophobia, transphobia and ableism. When we get to white supremacy and ableism, the narrative becomes ‘my culture/ race/ body is better than yours, therefore I have value and you do not. My life matters. Your’s doesn’t.’

So I think that for any ally of any marginalised group, a great thing to take from autistic attitudes is not viewing yourself as ‘normal.’ And not viewing anyone unlike you as ‘abnormal.’

I was raised the way I was, you were raised the way you were. My brain is wired in certain ways, your brain is wired differently. There is no ‘normal’ and ‘abnormal’. There’s how we were taught we are supposed to live, ways we were taught some people live, and ways of living we weren’t taught about. All that means is there are different ways of living.

If we think of it as ‘people live differently’ as opposed to, ‘some people are normal and others are freaks,’ its becomes harder to alienate any human from their rights.

You Don’t Need Permission To Speak

A thing I often forgot to do as both a young autistic person who is inclined to do what they think makes sense, and as ADHD distraction prone, is to ask people how they are. You’re ‘supposed’ to do this. Its ‘good manners’. But the thing that really gets me about this is when I’m over half an hour into a conversation before I think to ask ‘how are you?’, and the person responds with something they really wanted to tell me. And I think, ‘Why did you wait 30 minutes for me to invite you to share that? If it matters to you; it matters to me. Why not just tell me?’

Somewhere along the way, I think many neuropytical people fell into the habit of only sharing their special news or saying how they’re going when someone asks them first. I suspect this is why there’s ‘never a good time’ to tell people bad news. Because people never ask, ‘What’s terribly wrong with you today?’ And they don’t expect or hint its ok to say shitty stuff. And with people feeling they don’t have ‘permission’ or an ‘invitation,’ or a ‘right time,’ I wonder if a lot of crap that needs saying doesn’t get said, or gets said late, by which point the relationship is falling apart.

Just Tell Us Your News!

I think that when people meet or catch up, it should go more like autistic or ADHD conversations. Where it may begin with ‘hi’, and the next point is, ‘I really wanted to tell you about x, because its so interesting/ exiting/ it matters to me and you matter to me, so I want you to know.’ We don’t literally say all this of course, but the ‘info dump’ of many of things neurodiverse people rattle off to each other when they haven’t seen each other for a while, like me and my mum when we catch up, is often this.

I think its a good thing. With neither party feeling the need for ‘permission,’ or ‘invitations;’ everyone shares what matters to them. Then we can ask for more details if we want them. No one feels unheard. No one feels ignored or like they don’t matter. There’s no room for misunderstandings, because everything either party wanted to say has been said.

True, it can still be tricky to broach for example potential sources of tension in relationships, but like all the good stuff, that still comes under ‘it matters to me so I told you.’ There’s no waiting for ‘right times’ that don’t come. No letting it sit on your chest and fester. I suggest; get everything said, communicated and know what’s going on with each other.

Make Personal Connections With What the Other Person Said

I know, controversial! Because when autistic people do this, some neurotypical people cry, “You made it about you! It was supposed to be about them! You’re supposed to give them their moment!”

So I’m supposed to let them stand on a pedestal saying some great or terrible thing that happened to them and say merely, ‘That’s great’ or, ‘O no. That’s terrible.’ That sounds like their ‘moment’ means being the centre of attention, while everyone else superficially engages with what they have to say. I don’t see the point of that. Superficial responses don’t signal ‘you are not alone.’ They don’t signal, ‘I get you.’ They have no capacity to deepen a relationship.

The Value of Sharing Personal Connections

If I’m sharing something important to me with you; its probably because I want to connect with you. I want to see that you understand.

If you’re sharing something bad with me, and I can make a deep personal connection to what you said; I am showing you that I get it. When my connection doesn’t quite fit; I’m showing you I don’t quite get it. If all I say is, ‘I’m sorry that happened to you,’ all I’m displaying is a very basic grasp of what you’re saying. And I’m leaving you standing on your own, little better off than you were before you opened your mouth.

Sometimes there’s isn’t anything we can constructively do to help people with their problems. But we can do more than just be there for them. We can show them; ‘not only am I here, I have stood where you stand and I get it. You are not alone.’ It matters for people to know that. So I say, go ahead and connect to the time when you think felt that way, or had to make a similar choice.

Abolish Taboo Conversation Topics

Suicide & The Need to Talk

According to Suicide Prevention Australia, Suicide is the leading cause of death among 15 to 25yos in my country, but we’re ‘not supposed to talk about it.’ Taboos like that seem to be part of neurotypilcal social expectations. The idea that some things are ‘too dark,’ or ‘not nice enough’ to discuss.

Suicide Australia also say 7 million Australians (roughly one quarter of our population) have been impacted by suicide. That’s 7 million people who would be left feeling isolated, with no one to talk to about their feelings or experiences, if we don’t talk about it because ‘its not nice’. In this case silence threatens people’s wellbeing.

There are things that NEED saying. Things people need to get off their chests and to inform their loved ones about. Then you can deepen your relationships by working through it together, or get the help or support you need etc. For the sake of our health, our wellbeing and our planet; we NEED to talk, directly, about unpleasant shit. Sure, maybe everyone can’t do it as bluntly and logically as some of us autistic people, but when it matters; give it a shot!

How Can We Deal With It, If We Won’t Even Discus it?

The other big reason we NEED to talk about unpleasant shit is things like; I think RFK Junior is a eugenicist (there’s a good explanation of how his antivaxxer stance promotes ‘soft eugenics’ from Science Based Medicine in this article). If we don’t admit what he is, or what he’s trying to do; we won’t stop him doing it. If we don’t call it ‘climate catastrophe,’ we’ll sit and watch the world burn.

And if we aren’t supposed to say ‘not nice things’ like ‘that person sexually abused me,’ if everyone in unused to hearing that, despite that according to the Australian Institute of Health and Welfare 26.1% of Australian women have been sexually abused… we get a culture where people don’t talk about sexual abuse. They don’t hear it.

Then they don’t know how to respond. They don’t know how to accept that something like that happened to someone they know. They don’t know how to respond to the fact that they, like 20% of those women, know the offender. And they sure as hell don’t know how to support victims of sexual or family violence.

The direct statements of an autistic person calling out something as immoral, with no neurotypical filtering to sound ‘nice,’ might make some people uncomfortable. But our lack of giving a shit about what we ‘can’ or ‘can’t,’ say, or whatever makes neurotypical people squeamish about calling out reality; that positions autistic people like Gretna Thunberg to tackle climate change.

We need more non-autistic people standing up and saying how and why something is wrong and that it SHOULD NOT BE HAPPENING.

Get Comfortable With Your Own Discomfort

Austistic people are used to not being comfortable. Many of us frequently feel like we ‘don’t fit’ and like we blunder through social situations. We’re used to being in environments like classrooms or shopping centres where the amount of STUFF on shelves, walls, the NOISE of so many PEOPLE screams at us, and is TOO MUCH. (Minimisation tips in this post.)

Discomfort is normal to autistic people. Its not pleasant, but it does have an advantage. Sometimes I feel like neurotypical expectations have raised people to be fragile. To have sensitive ears that hurt when you say things like ‘genocide’ or ‘rape’. But anyone who struggles to even listen to those words is completely useless when it comes to stopping the horror that’s the actuality of genocide and rape culture. Raising people to ‘dance on egg shells’, ‘beat round bushes’, and ‘don’t say that, it’s not nice,’ is raising a generation of people too gutless to confront abuse, exploitation, corruption or genocide.

Cut The Minimising Platitudes

Here we come across a plethora of sayings that aim to silence dissent and preserve the status quo. ‘Don’t rock the boat,’ ‘don’t make waves,’ ‘don’t upset the apple cart.’ Never mind that the ‘boat’ allowed white supremacy, sexism, misogyny, ableism, homophobia and transphobia to thrive for centuries. That its still deeply tainted.

And then we’re onto other sayings, ‘calm down,’ ‘chill,’ ‘it can’t be that bad.’ These allow people to disconnect from reality and deny how bad any given situation is. They seem aimed at ensuring people feel comfortable, even as the world burns around us, because we were too complacent to do enough about climate change, soon enough.

Speak Up & Protest!

When it comes to what’s wrong with the world, autistic people like Gretna Thunberg may be the voice you don’t want to listen to. You’re conscience sayng ‘this is wrong and we have to act.’ Again, this is not about YOU. Its about Palestinians being starved to death in Gaza by a regime that’s come full circle, from fleeing fascism to embracing it to annihilate Palestinians. Its about all the disabled people RFK Junior wants to stick in ‘wellness’ camps.

The autistic strength when shit gets fucked is we don’t put our personal feelings about shit being fucked first. We’re not shocked at finding ourselves outside our comfort zone (we pretty much live there already). And I think our struggle to sometimes understand emotions, and the ease we tend to have with logic, inclines us to put our logical understanding that shit is fucked and action MUST be taken to unfuck it first.

Our blunt calls to do so bypass neurotypical uncertainty because something pushed them outside their comfort zone. They bypass the neurotypical tendency to flinch from the truth, not call things what they are, delay, delay, delay; until things get WORSE. So SPEAK UP (like we do)!

Disclaimer

(Yes, I acknowledge not all neurotypical people are the same. Nor are all autistic people. But the general patterns I see with a lot of neurotypical people when it comes to stubbornly refusing to abandon the illusion of their comfort zone, to face shit being fucked and get off their backsides and DO ANYTHING for our planet, democracy, Palestine etc, CONCERNS me.)

Sharing the Good Stuff

Having raised some heavy shit, I’d like to end with an autistic approach to life that can make the good parts better. My mum likes travelling with me. She says seeing my enthusiasm makes site seeing more enjoyable. I’ve never cared if people view my displays of enthusiasm as ‘child like’ or ‘over the top’ or whatever. If I LOVE something, than I LOVE it. I’m not going to tone it down because ‘maybe someone will judge me.’

When the emotion is enthusiasm, I don’t think I’ve seen someone judge me badly. As an adult, people either smile, or they don’t click with whatever I’m responding to and they move on. And by not giving a shit either way, I get to fully feel and express my excitement at seeing something beautiful, or new. Heck, I’ll pause part way down the street to stare up at possums at night, or to smile at birds by day.

Smell Those Roses

All of us are so busy with our own lives, we often don’t even notice things. I once went to the supermarket wearing fluffy rainbow slippers because I forgot I had them on under my flared jeans. A group of teens had a chuckle when they noticed and smiled at me. No one else noticed a thing. I think ‘other people’ care far less about any one person than that one person thinks. I think most people care far too much about what other people might think of them. And I’ve never had any intention of letting fear of others opinions get in the way of having fun.

I don’t know strangers. Therefore I don’t care what they think. (Though them agreeing with me does score them points ;). Expressing my autistic enthusiasm for life lets me enjoy it fully, and it makes other people either notice what I’m noticing, or notice my enjoyment. Either one tends to make them smile.

In a world with TONNES OF SHIT going on, its important to smell those roses, smile at screeching rainbow lorikeets zooming past your head, stare at pretty sunsets etc. Let yourself fully enjoy life, and rather than people judging you, you may see them enjoying it with you.

Blue edged, pink, orange and yellow rainbow scroll with text: Get blogs in your inbox & updates from Elise every second month. Join my Fiction Frolics. Select this image to learn more.

Related Reading

Writing Neurodiverse and Disabled Characters

Oh, I’m Also Actually Autistic (Identifying which of my traits are autistic).

Manging My Neurodiversity (Communication, processing and mental health strategies).

Minimising Visual Overload (for autistic & ADHD comfort)

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March 14, 2025 / / 2 Comments

Like many late in life (in my case self) diagnosed autistic people, I’ve spent my life saturated with sensory overload. For years, I had no idea how much energy I wasted at work filtering out absurd amounts of sensory input. Or why it was so hard to switch off or relax at home. Having finally worked it out, I’ll share how I organise and set up my house (decor, storage and cleaning) and some things at work/ school to minimise visual overload. Whether you are autistic, or you live, work or travel with someone who is or may be autistic, I hope those strategies make their/ your life easier, something we could all do with in the Enshitification Era.

Reducing Sensory Overload At Home

Clutter is Evil

This is a challenge for those of us with autism AND ADHD. For much of my life (before ADHD diagnosis and medication), I left clutter everywhere. It was inevitable, as I A. struggled to focus long enough to finish packing up. And B. always worried I’d forget a more important thing that needed doing. So I was forever running from one task to the next before I inevitably got distracted, leaving small piles of clutter everywhere.

I found early in my teaching career that any chance of relaxing or resting on the weekend was best achieved by tidying on Friday nights. I’d begin by putting dirty clothes in the washing basket, dirty dishes in the dishwasher, and packing away scattered papers and other random objects I wasn’t using.

The more stuff I put out of sight, the more tension I was barely aware of in my torso relaxed. Because I no longer needed to remain poised to escape far too many objects crowding my vision and overwhelming my brain until I struggled to remember or think about anything else. Nor was I overwhelmed by the many categories of thing needing putting away in different locations.

Mess is Also Bad

In recent years, I’ve often been able to only clean one or two things before fatigue or pain begin flare and I have to take the rest of the day off cleaning. This has made me aware of which surfaces I want clean the most. Its always the biggest ones.

If there is a 2cm by 2cm or bigger drop of any substance spilt on the kitchen floor; I notice it. Probably every single time I walk past. Crumbs on the carpet? I know about them! Leaves that blew in the door? Annoy me every time I enter the house! Crumbs/ substances on the bench, in the sink or on the stove stop? I notice most of them, every time I enter the kitchen.

It ANNOYS me. They shouldn’t be there. It doesn’t look good. But most importantly, the energy that gets wasted noticing every crumb, drip and whatever needs wiping or vacuuming on every surface of the house, on top of every piece of furniture and decor within the house is TIRING. I consciously perceive too much visual information. (Which my psychiatrist explained is definitely an ADHD thing, but which I suspect is also an autism thing).

Its impossible to relax in your home when you notice five things that need cleaning/ tidying/ something done about them EVERY SINGLE TIME you enter ANY and ALL rooms of the house. The mere constant sight of a messy/ cluttered house is tiring for me to live in. So if anyone in your home is autistic/ has ADHD; the more frequently you and whoever you live with can vacuum/ sweep/ wipe down surfaces; the better!

Non-Overstimulating Household Set Up

A common cause of frustration for me is difficulty distinguishing between the thing I want and the sea of shit I don’t care about just now surrounding it. The thing I want may be right in front of me. But if its an object on the kitchen table with twenty other objects, my brain may note as many of the twenty objects as it can before getting overloaded and overlooking the thing I want; multiple times. Or it may register the clutter on the table as ‘solid mass of too many bloody objects’ and not differentiate between them.

So I decluttered my house, but the cupboards, wardrobes etc, still contained too much stuff. I never perceive the item at the back of the pantry/ fridge until well after it expires. Because by the time I’d consciously perceived all twenty eight items in front of it; I’m tired and my brain perceives the back row as a vague blur.

Non-Overstimulating Pantry

Only recently did I solve storage problems to my satisfaction. Its tricky in the pantry, because I have three housemates who each have their own grocery shelves. And our shelves are narrow and deep. Storing items in rows seems necessary, but its hard to see behind each row. So I put tall items around the outsides and across the back. And smaller items in front, in a couple of baskets I can lift out to easily perceive (and reach) items in the back row.

This helped, but peering into the pantry was still a visually jarring experience. It was like looking into a room where all the furniture is positioned at contrary angles and some items are incorrectly proportioned in relation to others. None of it is quite what you expect. None of it initially makes sense. Its mental gymnastics just to find the vinegar for your salad dressing (and yes, frustrating).

I do a lot of baking, so I bought tuppleware containers for ingredients that are all the same height. Now every type of flour, sugar, coconut etc doesn’t block or obscure the others. And they fit in a nice row along one side, so I can see what’s in each container. And another daily cause of frustration is now a relief that makes daily life that little bit easier.

(Left before, right after).

3 pantry shelves, the bottom and middle with items piled on top of and in front of each other, crowded to the point its difficult to see or reach anything.
Same three shelves, in neat rows of containers the same shapes and sizes, nothing stacked on top of anything, every item visible all the way to the back.

Non-Overstimulating Crockery/ Glassware etc

Only when we moved house did I notice how unpleasant looking in the cupboard for a glass or bowl was. With a sharehouse of around 8-9 different people over the years; our glassware and crockery was very mismatched. Giving away the worst matching sets and buying new, all the same glasses and crockery sets made those cupboards more calming and pleasant to look at.

Note: if you’re tempted to joke about OCD here; don’t A. trivialise a debilitating condition by reducing it to someone merely wanting their crockery and glassware to match. And don’t B, mock people for wanting matching crockery. In this case, that’s like mocking someone for wearing sunglasses on a glary, sunny day. There’s nothing wrong with making things comfortable to view.

Non-Overstimulating Storage

As a teacher, Christmas tends to include gifts of soaps, bath and skincare products. And as an easily distracted ADHDer, the bathroom is best kept clean when the products I use to clean it are stored in the bathroom. (So I don’t enter the room with the products and forget why I was there, the same applying to the kitchen). So my vanity had lots of unused stuff in it, because my brain mostly registered the contents of the huge drawer as ‘big slab of too much stuff’.

In this case the problem was the vanity was a large drawer, with lots of small things placed side by side, and in rows. With so many things in one place, no manner of arranging them could avoid visual overload. Enter a brother who gives thoughtful gifts and figured a large jewellery box with lots of little drawers could be handy for me to store stuff. With a mini drawer chest, small items went from maybe 60 objects of seven varieties in one space, to 3-4 varieties per drawer, and so few items that I can comfortably perceive them all.

Where possible, I suggest using or buying smaller cupboards/ drawers, in which you can separate objects by category. So that opening a door doesn’t instantly reveal shelves of 50 different objects of 8 types. (I don’t like and am lucky my current house doesn’t have a linen cupboard. That’s always too many shelves for me to look at, let alone perceive the thing I want).

White Space/ Resting Your Eyes

In my new house, one housemate’s room has very little decor on furniture, the walls etc. That room has A LOT of white space. Every direction offers blank, plain emptiness that lets my tendency to see EVERYTHING rest, because there’s nothing to perceive, no visual information to process.

I like having some visual stimulation. But if every book/ decorative item/ plant is as eye level; that’s overwhelming. I only put display items on furniture below eye level, so that when walking around I can focus on what I’m thinking, instead of being bombarded by sight of too much stuff.

Increase White Space, Maximise Cupboards

Two pieces of furniture in my new house reduce visual overload. My old tv cabinet had lead light doors that displayed many spines, images, and endless range of colours and texts of tens of my dvds through its glass doors. My new one has solid timber doors, of one colour of harmonious tones. Now, watching tv is a more relaxing and restful experience.

The other change is a book case. As author and reader I know, the point of lots of lovely books and a bookshelf is to display them. But the spines of many rows of books is the same mass of colours, shapes, text and images as rows of dvd spines. And its location meant I regularly walked past it when not wanting to browse books. Too often, it was a solid, 2m high wall of sensory overload that almost made me flinch in passing.

My new bookcase reduces visual overload by screening two rows of books behind wooden doors. The timber framing the glass doors, frames each edge of the shelf with a single colour. While having a pane of glass and lines of lead between me and the books softens the former wall of too much colour and variety. I don’t feel sad I can’t see all the books all the time. I feel relieved possessions I love no longer silently scream at me every time I walk past.

Pine 2m high bookshelf crammed with books of many colours, different heights and thicknesses, some stacked atop each other.
Antique bookcase with carved cupboard doors and two drawers above them screening three rows of books. Upper section has two timber framed doors with leadlight glass in the middles, greatly reducing the mass of exposed spines and visual overload.

Reducing Visual Overload At Work: School

Walls Covered in Posters/ Charts are Evil

This is a BIG one. Honestly, I look back at classrooms I’ve taught in over the last twelve years and wonder why I’m still sane. Remember what I said about row upon row of pantry items being too many items to process? Or row upon row of book spines being a 2m high wall of sensory overload that silently screams at me?

It may not surprise you that as a teacher I HATE classroom walls. I generally avoid looking at them. They have an unfortunate tendency to be a solid mass of teacher charts and or children’s work; of so many colours, writings, drawings and so many categories. They are TOO MUCH.

Imagine being in a room with twenty something children and all of them are shouting at you for the entire day. Classroom walls have the same stressful, overloading impact on me. And a staffroom with work safety, company policy and whatever else posters all over its walls is little better. So if you have any say in your workplaces walls bombarding people with masses of visual information charts/ posters etc ; please reduce it!

What are Visually Overwhelming Walls Doing to ND Adults/ Kids?

If your wall charts/ posters aren’t vital; I’m wasting energy filtering them out so I don’t get overwhelmed, and can actually do my job. So is the autistic kid in your classroom, or your autistic co-worker. Trust me, same goes for the ADHD kids and co-workers!

And you know what, with that overloading visual sensory input in my face throughout my entire work day, I wonder if I wasted something like 30% of my energy filtering out the visual overload of unnecessary crap on walls. That’s 30% of my energy at work, NOT going into my work. That’s the autistic kid having a meltdown because on top of the input of what all the other kids and the teacher are doing, and trying to keep up while struggling to process social cues; they’re overwhelmed. Its the ADHD kid infinitely distracted, or zoning out, because they too are overwhelmed.

Noise At Work

While this blog focuses on visual overload, which bothers me personally the most, everything I’ve said about the discomfort of visual overload applies to audio overload. Whether a particular person/ appliance/ music etc is too loud, or there are too many voices speaking in the same room making it hard for an autistic person to hear the person speaking to them; audio overload also needs minimising. Luckily headphones, both for the person listening to noise and noise cancelling ones, and other sound proofing options offer relief that visual overload doesn’t have an easy equivalent for.

Blue edged, pink, orange and yellow rainbow scroll with text: Get blogs in your inbox & updates from Elise every second month. Join my Fiction Frolics. Select this image to learn more.

Related Reading

Manging My Neurodiversity (Communication, processing and mental health strategies).

Oh, I’m Also Actually Autistic (Identifying which of my traits are autistic).

Starting ADHD Meds & ADHD Struggles (A detailed diary of the impact of different dosages as I began my journey —under GP guidance— of determining the right dose for me.

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September 14, 2024 / / 1 Comment

Now ADHD meds have made it possible to focus on and complete one thing, then the next, instead of fighting high levels of distractibility to complete simple tasks… my autistic traits are more distinguishable from my ADHD. And I’m realising I’m also actually autistic.

When I first wrote the blog ‘Neurodivergent Self Diagnosis. ADHD? Autistic?‘, I had a sense of pitting ADHD and autistic tendencies against each other, and using them to balance each other. I lost sight of that because when my long-covid-induced brain fog cleared, I still had chronic fatigue from Fibromyalgia, which put my ADHD into overdrive.

Having struggled to settle into teaching with ADHD and Fibromyalgia diagnoses, and started medication that significantly lightens my cognitive load, reducing the strain ADHD places on my executive functioning, I’d like to revisit the above blog, identifying my autistic traits in it and adding more I’ve since recognised.

Neurodiverse Communication

Rehearsing Conversations

I’m guessing neurotypical people rehearse conversations in their heads when they’re giving a speech, or telling someone they really care about something that really matters to them. By the time I was around fifteen, I rehearsed ANYTHING and EVERYTHING I may like to say to my friends before saying it aloud. I would approach social situations with prepared topics and comments drafted in my brain and would be happy when I got to say them all.

Did I monitor the interest levels of people as I plunged through my pre-rehearsed topics? Not really. Sometimes when I’d finished talking I did. Knowing how much to say about a topic and not rambling on when the other person isn’t as interested as me is a life skill I am still refining, in my thirties.

This is an autistic trait common in adults.

What are You on About?

As a teenager, I routinely initiated conversations with peers because it was the easiest way to communicate. Even as an adult I find other people starting the conversation challenging. With people I don’t know well, the first thing I think they’re saying usually isn’t what they mean. I’ve developed a habit of listening, ignoring my first interpretation, and waiting until a second or third interpretation forms in my mind before I respond. Usually by then I’ve correctly identified the topic and their intended meaning. If I take too long, I comment on one aspect I’m sure I understand, to encourage them to say more, to give me more time to figure out what they’re talking about.

When I’m tired, I also struggle because I interpret things literally. I suspect that any other time I remember what I know about that person, or topic and do mental gymnastics to get from what they literally said to what they actually mean. That gets socially awkward because neurotypical people, especially adults in a professional context, tend to want immediate answers to their questions. But they don’t say what they literally mean, so I need processing time to do mental gymnastics before I can answer.

I suspect my main challenge with both of the above can be taking people more literally than they intend. Though my ADHD being challenged by information overload is also a close contender for that title. When the other person talks too much I start forgetting information they’ve said before connecting the pieces of it together and extracting meaning from them. Either way, the other person’s point can go completely over my head.

Taking people too literally? Classic autistic trait.

Why Can’t People Just SAY what they MEAN?

I am already using SO MUCH energy in conversations to: stay focused (because ADHD), not interrupt (because ADHD), read body language and tone (because autism), put effort into the above simultaneously (neurodivers e people tend to struggle with split-focus) while tracking what you mean AND responding swiftly. I have very few spoons left to dedicate to hunting mystical meanings you hide between your words. Just TELL ME what you want!

This wasn’t easy for me to recognise, because while I was swiftly frustrated with academics who waffle on at Uni (mostly in articles), and adults who beat around the bush; I work with kids. I’m always working with people who may be discussing things they are unclear on, and struggle to put into words. Teaching has me forever piecing together clues, filling gaps and actively supporting students to communicate more clearly/ effectively/ socially acceptably with each other.

I tend to recognise sarcasm and quite a few other things autistic people generally struggle with, perhaps because I’ve worked closely with twenty-something kids five days a week and adults after hours, for over ten years. Experience has positioned me to present as neurotypical, but when I get tired at the end of the day and someone in leadership gives an instruction that sounds like its giving me a choice but actually means ‘I want you to do x like y,’ I’m prone to mis their intended meaning and take them at their literal one. When I’m online and tired, sometimes I skip over posts because there aren’t enough contextual clues within them and I just don’t know what they mean.

I prefer to get directions at work from leaders who speak directly, even bluntly and keep to the point. That’s A LOT clearer to me, and a lot less effort to process.

I Say What I Mean

I lost track long ago how many times growing up my mother would joke ‘why don’t you tell us what you really think?’ Over the past year I’ve often deleted my posts about genocide in Palestine because I can’t express my feelings without swearing the house down and saying things I know could be inflammatory and not do any form of good.

But growing up, with close friends and family, I tended to just say what I meant, uncensored. Only in England did I learn to shut up at work, so I didn’t spend the entire day saying; ‘This system is on fire. Why are you teaching in it instead of trying putting out the flames?’ (Yes, this is a metaphor for the string of swearing I was actually thinking in).

Honestly, I think the downside of ‘polite society’ in an age where Trump is running for a second presidency and the phrase ‘you can’t make this shit up’ is common commentary on real life is an era in which MORE people need to be saying; ‘This shit is fucked up.’ I fear that being ‘polite’ and not bluntly calling things out normalises shit that absolutely SHOULD NOT be happening. *Points at genocide in Palestine*.

Again, the tendency to be blunt is an autistic one.

Tone

I had no idea that speaking more informally than is appropriate is an autistic tendency. (I was more familiar with the perhaps more common, or better recognised tendency to speak formally when it isn’t expected/ required). But both are autistic traits, and natural inclinations I learned to adapt at work. I did it as early as working in retail (where being tall, thin, blond and female presenting, speaking in a more formal, professional manner meant I was less likely to have to put up with people treating me like an airhead).

A more warm and welcoming professional tone also works well with parents as a teacher. And when I step into ‘professional communication mode’ I find it easier to make eye contact, ask other people questions and behave in what people consider a welcoming, professional way (which is of course a neurotypical way).

With adults at work, I also tend to tone down my excitement, and present in a calmer, more professional manner. Whereas with students I’ll be up pacing, gesticulating, and my tone will be full of enthusiasm on topics of interest, which is thankfully many within the expanse that is twenty-first century curriculum.

Leading Conversations

Having prepared my talking points in advance, I also like to lead conversations. When I start the conversation, especially a group conversation, its SO much easier to keep track of what we’re talking about and have clarity about the conversation. It also gives me the chance to ensure my particular interests feature strongly, which makes it much easier for me to follow and actively participate.

While struggling to follow group conversations is a classic ADHD trait, the desire to lead them is an autistic one. (This and other autistic traits being listed nicely in this article).

Reciprocity In Conversation

I have the ADHD tendency of ‘I just need to tell you these ten things, all at once, before I forget half of them.’ THEN I have the headspace to properly listen to and take in what that person is saying.

But when the other person asks about me first, I have to make a real effort to ask about them, because its what they expect, not my natural inclination. This is a more autistic tendency.

I loved an episode of the Aussie comedy FISK, where the autistic coded main character is being pretty much trained in small talk/ social niceties by a colleague, but needs to urgently leave. She’s trying to throw out, ‘How are you? And isn’t it a nice day? And what are your plans for the weekend?’ In a very rushed, and random order, because its what the colleague expects, but is clearly unnatural and awkward to the autistic coded MC.

What are Social Graces?

I’ve never been a fan of a few basic social conventions.

1. I don’t like eye contact.

This is a classic, obvious autistic trait but I was unconcious of it for quite some time. Because people look you in the eyes and insist you look back from childhood. So you make yourself do it and pretend it doesn’t bother you. Or you make eye contact so they know you’re listening but you keep finding excuses to look away.

They don’t notice anything. And you don’t want to notice how uncomfortable eye contact makes you, because God knows how often how many people are trying to make eye contact with you and you’re trying to uncomfortably meet it!

2. I don’t do small talk.

When you talk to people you’re supposed to ask how they are. When they’re strangers you’re supposed to do ice breakers, or ‘polite conversation starters’ like the weather, or —hell, I don’t know because I don’t do it. Why? Because I’m not interested. I’m interested in what I’m interested in. In a state of nature going to launch into whatever interests me n that moment with no names, greetings, preamble or niceties. No time wasting— lets get into it! (Yes the impatience is likely ADHD, though struggling with small talk period as an autistic trait.)

Again, I have had to spend lots of time learning and practicing asking how people are, or thinking of things that matter to them and asking how about those. I do care about the latter. If they start talking about it I will show interest in my responses. But its not natural for me to think what to ask about other people. I used to just assume that if something mattered to people they wouldn’t need an invitation to talk about it and would just say it, but I’m learning there are many exceptions to that.

Elise Carlson selfie, smiling, wearing glasses, a cap, with short curls poking out the sides, stripy top, river and mossy rocks in background.
Neurodiverse me, hiking in the Otway Ranges, March 2023.

I’m Thinking…

Hyper Focus

For me, hyper focus is a very important strategy that enabled me to have a teaching career and ADHD at the same time. What I didn’t notice in this section of the blog back in 2021 was how much I like hyper focusing on topics of particular interest, or special interests —a classic autistic trait.

What’s the Point?

Why be on time for class, so I can line up outside, wait for everyone else to enter and sit down slowly and get zero benefits for having got out of bed a bit earlier? If you want me to do something —tell me why. The fact you want me to do it doesn’t motivate me. The fact you were my parent or teacher and even now, the fact alone that its my boss asking doesn’t motivate me.

Intrinsic motivation for me is not conforming to other people’s expectations, their wants, being obedient or doing anything purely because someone asked. I care about, I want to understand, I am motivated by WHY. Tell me how it benefits people —students, colleagues, my boss, me —anybody— or how it makes my work more productive, or easier, or safer or whatever. That’s what motivates me. I don’t know anyone else so strongly motivated by being told why.

The most likely explanation I’ve found at this time for ‘why?’ being so important: the autistic tendency to excel at logical reasoning, which may be more important than or even compensate for intuition in decision making (source on this).

Logic and Decision Making

Deleting my Twitter account was initially an emotional decision, because I had so many friends and writer contacts there. But as the account with a violence against Jews handle was repeatedly reported and found to ‘not violate Twitter’s safety policies’, and the Australian esafety commissioner fined Musk for failing to meet minimum child protection standards, the site became increasing dysfunctional and un-usable, the word ‘cis’ was banned… how could anyone NOT delete their account? How could decent humans ignore reason and divorce their actions from their consciences like this?

Guess what? Turns out excelling at logical thought and reasoning, and a strong sense of social justice are autistic tendencies.

I’m coming to realise that for people choosing to stay on Twitter, its likely an emotional decision about not wanting to lose friends they have there. If only all my friends could leave based on logic and reason and then we could all have migrated together and not got separated! GAH!

(I understand people who chose differently on perhaps an intellectual level here, but as you can see my own emotional reasoning takes me in the opposite direction, because my emotions are a response to the logic of the situation, not an emotional, direct response to the situation itself.).

Why did you change that?

Earlier this year I was in casual teaching. Before doing so, I had to answer the question: are you prepared to be called in to work on the day, or only to be booked in advance?

I have (while living in England) woken up to a phone call, looked up how to access a school I’ve never been to before via public transport and rushed off to work. I can do that. But the relief I felt on being texted a list of dates, and comparing them to my (physical) calendar to check my availability and getting to text back with ‘Yes I am available on those dates’ in a text message?

That’s my autistic love of structure, order, routine. I like predictability telling me what will happen and when, giving me time to mentally adjust to the fact its coming. In this case I liked it to fit work days around medical appointments and moving house, and writing novels and socialising around work.

So heads up, if you know a neurodivergent person (especially someone who’s autistic): don’t spring sudden changes on them! Sudden change is stressful. It often needs to be processed faster than I’m capable of processing it. And if you’re the parents of an autistic child: always give them an idea of how long they can do that thing they love, that they must pack up in five minutes, in two minutes, now! Sudden change is bad!

Memory

Before Twitter became fascist zombie land, (yeah, being blunt is also an autistic tendency and sometimes I just think fuck sensoring my language into neurotypical, I’m calling this shit as I see it), I knew SO MANY writers by name. I recalled at least one genre SO MANY of them wrote. I did make lists to help me, and now do so on Bsky, but my memory was unusual.

Which is clearest when I tell you my ADHD hates making notes about my multi character, complex plot, epic fantasy novels. So I just edit whole novels multiple times. I do my consistency edits of 100k novels in three days, because reading them that close together lets me just remember compass points on their journey, or that character mentioned something seven chapters ago clashing with this chapter’s mention of it.

In some ways my memory is terrible: see ADHD’s impact on working memory. But in others its excellent, and the excellent ways tend to align with autistic tendencies.

Sensory Needs

Its Too Bright

I was once co-teaching and noticed that when the other teacher was teaching, I kept looking at the wall away from the children. That’s because it was blue, and calming and not cluttered with teaching charts. When that teacher went on leave and it became my classroom, I spent 45 minutes pinning A3 sheets of pastel purple over the lurid colours of the wall children sat beside, and took down most charts (I didn’t use them anyway).

That was the most obvious instance in my life of; dude, you have sensory issues! Certain colours, and brightness/ tone are so uncomfortable I don’t want to look at them (and yes, will spend forty five minutes covering them up).

Its Too Loud

The other obvious sensory issue my whole life has been sound. The number of times a repetitive noise has continued until it distracts and frustrates me and I verbally complain and no one else in the room can hear it…

Until getting chronically ill, I was a light sleeper. Possum lands on the roof? I wake up. Car drives over speed bump outside my house? Wake up. Someone walks down the corridor, opens a door, uses the shower in the bathroom next to my room… I bought earplugs when a housemate was getting up at 5.50am because I would wake when he open his door opened (it scrapped across his carpet) and not get to sleep until he shut the front door (it was deadlock only and impossible to turn quietly.)

Sensory sensitivity (which can also be to smell, taste and texture, all of which bother me a lot less) is another classic autistic trait.

Other Areas

Difficulty Maintaining Friendships & Holding Down Employment

This wasn’t an easy one to evaluate, because I move house (sometimes countries) every couple of years. I change work places just as often (these are classic ADHD novelty seeking behaviours). But I didn’t realise holding employment and maintaining friendships are also common autistic struggles.

The one year contract was my bane as a teacher. My ADHD swiftly got fed up with the same time-consuming, repetitive routine of annually re-applying for my job because my contract had finished. That made things hit harder, and is why I figured why not teach overseas? Employment is no longer enough incentive to go through several weeks of lots of work and stress to get the same outcome annually (employment). There’s your autistic logic, running away with the ADHD quest for novelty. My difficulty in spotting both is that at moments like these, they ran hand in hand.

Creativity

I was the ‘in their own world child.’ My author bio mentions ‘graduating from playing imaginary games to writing fantasy.’ This is very much true. While fascination with facts is known as a typical autism trait in children by teachers, it was news to me that an interest in fantasy worlds can also be an autistic trait.

What Now?

Since moving house, I’m selling off things I don’t use and have purchased matching crockery and glassware, to reduce visual sensory overload at home. I also de-clutter my classroom where possible. I ask clarifying questions when needed at work, to help me piece together the too-many pieces of information people are telling me and extract the speaker’s intended meaning from them.

I tell colleagues when I can’t keep up with the professional conversation and again ask clarifying questions as needed. Ultimately, in conversation and meeting sensory needs, I give myself space to be comfortable, my neurodiverse self –autistic and ADHD-istic– and to succeed as such.

Blue edged, pink, orange and yellow rainbow scroll with text: Get blogs in your inbox & updates from Elise every second month. Join my Fiction Frolics. Select this image to learn more.

Further Reading

Multiple Articles on Autism Resource Page by SpychCentral.

Autistic Traits In Adults List (by PyschCentral).

Minimising Visual Sensory Overload

Neurodivergent Self Diagnosis. ADHD? Autistic? by me.

Reducing Visual Sensory Overload (for autistic and ADHD comfort) by me.

Managing My Neurodiversity by me.

Starting ADHD Meds & ADHD Struggles by me.

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