‘Aromantic’ and ‘aro’ weren’t words people used, nor identities whose existence was acknowledged when I was a kid, or a teenager. I don’t think I heard either term till I was in my early thirties. I grew up in a world where it was assumed everyone experienced romantic (and sexual) attraction to the opposite (or maybe the same) sex, and that everyone wanted a partner. In recent years, I’ve still seen people surprised that anyone could not be interested in romance (which doesn’t cover all aros, but is certainly me.) So working out that I was aro, and forging my aro life in contradiction with and defiance of societal expectations (as I have done with MANY areas), was a PROCESS.
How Do You Know You’re Aro/ Aromantic?
Like my primary school and early high school friends, I too had crushes. I liked the way he looked, the way he made people laugh. I especially liked when he didn’t give a damn what anyone else thought of him, and lived life to the fullest. As an (at the time), tall, thin, blonde, fem presenting person, I attracted attention, both sexual and romantic. But even when I liked a boy who liked me; it wasn’t the same.
There was some kind of intensity, something about the way that boy felt that I didn’t feel. Initially, I wasn’t dating in part because I had some issues to work out. But it was also like I was waiting to feel strongly enough about him to want to date him. To want to hold his hand. And I just… never got to that point.
I felt more strongly about boys I was friends with. Probably because with friendship there was no stumbling over the awkwardness of romantic feelings. And I wasn’t discomfited by seeing sexual desire in his gaze (I’m also asexual, as I blogged about here.) With male friends, I could just chat with them and be myself and our personalities could just connect. And I was happy with that.
But Surely You Want To Find That Special Someone?
I was probably aware of the above by around age 16. But ‘true love’ Disney cartoons were in vogue when I was a kid. And romance was EVERYEWHERE. Fiction was saturated with it. By my final year of high school, many of my friends had paired up with boyfriends. And the couples hung out a lot. I just wanted to hang out with my friends. The rare boyfriend who could talk to friends as well, and become another friend was great. But some couples were just joined at the hip and functioned like one person. My feelings about that have always been; BLERK!
The expectation that I would want and find a boyfriend [it wouldn’t be a girlfriend, because it was only early 2000’s. It also couldn’t be a themby because ‘nonbinary people didn’t exist yet’ -I write as one of them ;)]. So at high school, my best friend and I decided we were ‘focusing on our studies’ and not having boyfriends at this time. Then I got to Uni, and I was still studying, right?
By this time it was clear I didn’t reciprocate boy’s feelings towards me, and I was wary of leading them on. And while I’d had a few crushes in high school, they just kind of stopped at Uni. By this time; the couples were couple friendship groups, and my friends were all single.
Then I graduated, and as a first year primary school teacher, renting my own house in the countryside, far from friends and family, my hands were FULL.
What About Online Dating?
My mother and her partner met online. So they were kind of biased towards it. And my mum wanted me to be happy, and like many people in this world, she assumed I needed to have a partner to be happy. By the time I trialled internet dating, age 27, it was sheer intellectual curiosity. I’d seen people hype up romance for 27 years and I personally had yet to see what any of the fuss was about.
I joined an online dating app, and the introduction to it included a woman gushing about how excited she was to see her suggested matches each morning. She checked them daily? Who the hell cares enough or has time for that?! I found match suggestions mildly interesting, at best. And then you had to bother messaging them, or waving, or whatever silly functions the site had enabled. And see if they replied, or wait for them to contact you.
The main thing I noticed about it was how it wasted time I could have spent writing epic fantasy novels, or gardening, or baking or doing any of many things I would rather spend my time on. That was the final revelation; I didn’t care enough about having a partner to invest time in it. Should I happen to meet the right person, well great! If not? I had an epic fantasy trilogy to publish! Countries to travel to! Many moves of house to come! Ultimately -my own life to live, with zero need for a partner.
Displays of Affection?
I did end up dating a guy via online dating. We messaged because he was overseas initially. We went on a few dates. I found out what chemistry was and went; well, this is nice. I can see how it sweeps people away. And I like him and I respect his brain. But its the same old problem; I don’t reciprocate how he feels about me. Not emotionally. Not sexually. Sure, making out is nice but I was happy to draw the line there. And that’s all it was to me; nice.
I can’t connect with you if I can’t see your face/ feelings. I can’t deepen my understanding of you and feel closer to you if we aren’t talking and connecting by similar lived experiences, feelings about life or ideas. It really highlighted to me that I don’t need all this romantic feeling and affection stuff. I want company and a meeting of minds. I can get that from ANY person I meet, in any context. Family can be great. Friends are great for that.
I Can Do It Solo Or With Friends
I’ve never understood couples who are joined at the hip. If they go to the beach, the movies, a restaurant; they do MOST, if not ALL of it with their partner (and sometimes other couples.) I don’t know if its my aro-ness or being autistic, but to me that’s suffocating. My mind cannot unwind, I cannot relax with that much contact or constant contact with anyone. To me being joined at the hip is a prison sentence.
I took up walking solo in my teens because my friends weren’t fussed about exercise. Joining a basketball team at age 12 was similar; I wanted to, and I knew no one else who did. I’ve always gone to the movies with a friend or family, or swum at the beach with family or solo. I’ve eaten meals in restaurants, even been to the movies by myself. (I got some weird looks going to The Hobbit: Battle of Five Armies solo on Christmas Day, but travel tours weren’t running, and I didn’t know anyone in that part of Canada, so what else was there to do?)
I first travelled to Europe solo when a friend pulled out. Later the year I tried online dating, I moved to England solo. I can and am happy doing LOADs of things by myself. I’ve also travelled Portugal with my mother and the east coast of Canada and the US with friends. Being single gives me more time to do things I want, and more choice of who to do anything with.
What Do I Need A Partner For?
True, there are things a partner can help with, like looking after you when you’re sick. Bro, I nursed myself through Long Covid for SIX MONTHS. I’ve got this! A partner to help lift things, and with my mobility issues when my fibro fatigue is bad would be nice. But I manage fairly well. (I’m also autistic and have ADHD. So I’ve been overcoming the obstacles of a world that doesn’t meet my needs my whole life, making me stubborn, fiercely independent and good at it.)
It would be great to share cooking with someone. That takes effort and with fibro fatigue I don’t always have the energy. But I sometimes cook when I shouldn’t, and when I’m not up to it; take away delivers!
Yes, it would be great to have someone help me afford a house, furnish it and pay off a home loan. But I’ve spent recent years splitting rent and bills with housemates in share houses. And second hand furniture (I love antiques and vintage stuff anyway) was CHEAP because it was out of fashion. I’ll likely end up buying a home and sharing a mortgage with a housemate. There are alternatives that don’t necessitate having a partner. (For me. Some people are more disabled than I am and cannot manage without a carer. I’m extremely fortunate.)
Ok, You’re Happily Single.
But You Like Romance Right?
No. Some aro people do. I don’t. Maybe its my autism questioning why our society puts this one form of relationship on such a pedestal, to the point it assumes you can’t be happy unless you have a partner, when for personally me that’s bullshit. Likely, it is in part because my experience of anything a couple in fiction is feeling is a secondary response to their feelings. Its not based on my lived experiences, and that likely means I don’t connect as deeply with romance as people who’ve lived romantic relationships. (Or who desire them.)
Romance can focus SO MUCH on the couple. It can portray their lives outside of being half of that couple as incidental. Romance is not a central plot I find interesting. I don’t care how many different ways people can fall in love, or how many variations of tension or conflict they may need to overcome to make it work. If that’s the main focus; its rarely enough for me to properly enjoy the story. (I have ADHD. The more plot, genres, forms of conflict, types of relationships, world building/ STIMULATION etc the BETTER!)
No, I like Fantasy & Friendship!
Give me a world where physics itself is altering! Give me a world where time is in flux! I love conflicts where speculative fiction and its flexibility beyond the limits of what is physically possible on Earth is at the centre. The more imagination a story requires to tell, and its world requires to build; the more I like it!
The idea that everyone likes romance is a myth. Its as true as claiming everyone likes playing and watching sports. Some people like one and not the other. Some people don’t like either. Romance is not a sacred pillar of human society (even though it seems to me to be almost idealised as such.) Its a thing. Like many other things. And like all things; people’s level of interest in it will vary.
But How Do You Write Series
Without Romance?/ Aro Books?
There does seem to be a tendency, especially across series, to start pairing characters up romantically. I felt it with early drafts of Ruarnon trilogy, and attempted it, and it wasn’t great because I didn’t know what I was doing and my heart wasn’t in it. I probably tried to write it because I’d had too much exposure to romance. I was writing at a time where if there’s a single guy and a single girl, and they spend lots of time together in the story; they usually get together.
They say you can’t be what you can’t see, but my lived experience says that’s not true. I never saw any examples of nonbinary people growing up, yet I’ve still managed to live and identify as one! (Blogged about here.) So I had a go at not pairing up many characters as Ruarnon Trilogy developed. And what happened instead was friends spent more time together, understood each other better and deepened their friendships. The friendship grew, experienced tensions, overcame them and strengthened.
Friendship Benefits
The other thing that happened in Ruarnon Trilogy, and is happening now as I edit Sythe Series book 2, is that the main character spent more seeking and learning from mentors. Friends and platonic relationships had more impact on the main characters personal development, and secondary characters influenced each other’s growth.
With Sythe Series Book 3, I may even explore a queer platonic, or ‘aro relationship’; a close partnership between two characters who may not be romantic or sexual partners, but a more intimate relationship than friendship.
Further Reading
On Being Asexual (with more on being aro)
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