As a nineties kid; I never saw myself in fiction. Never truly connected with characters and didn’t really have role models. I didn’t know why I liked alternating between writing male main characters and female ones. Or why it was so important to me toput friendship groups at the heart of the stories I told, and so hard to include romance (no, I’ve never and may never attempt to write sex!) Reasons of awareness, acknowledgement existence, reference points of aromantic, asexual and nonbinary life, and the importance of writing each identity specifically, to me personally, are all unpacked below.
Growing Up Different
The world assigned ‘female’ as my gender at birth. That was how everyone else saw me. I both did and didn’t see myself that way. I was girl, boy and neither. ‘Androgenous’ resonated with me at fifteen, being the closest term and concept to the reality of me that I was aware of. (Which may be why I chose ‘andro’ as the term for ‘nonbinary’ in Sythe Series.)
My late childhood and early teens were an uncomfortable time. Not, like for many trans people, because of puberty. I was tall, broad shouldered and a late bloomer. I looked a kid/ androgenous, and felt I could act that way when I wanted, so from eleven to fifteen I wasn’t too uncomfortable gender wise.
It was the impact of romantic and sexual attraction, and my peers starting to have boyfriends or girlfriends that opened a giant gulf between us. I wanted to be people’s friends, like I always had. But boys seemed less interested in friendship. If they liked you; they tended to want to be your boyfriend. And as girls I was friends with started having boyfriends, friendship groups, which were still central to my life, became more sidelined to them, as the boyfriend became the centre.
I didn’t know I was aromantic. No one in the 2000’s was using that term! Or asexual! I just accepted that some friends were on different paths, and we were drifting apart. I let a couple of friendships I’d really enjoyed come to an end, as the couples hung out more and more, and the singles drifted away.
Life Without Role Models Or Rep
Aro-Ace
Not having terms or clarity around my disinterest in romantic or sexual partnerships meant I didn’t have the language to navigate those differences with coupled-up friends. Or the language and understanding of differences to pursue those relationships, instead of letting them end. It also meant my friends had no means of understanding where I was coming from.
Because all we’d ever seen as children was Disney films telling us ‘true (romantic) love’ is the most important thing to being happy. We grew up in a generation where it was assumed everyone would marry someone of the opposite sex, have kids, buy a house and that was it!
Neither fiction nor the media presented alternatives. SO much of it had people kissing passionately and pulling off each other’s clothes, and experiencing sexual attraction, again implying that ‘everyone does this.’ And ‘everyone wants this.’ Nothing portrayed people like me. Nothing seemed to explore alternate relationships.
So an important part of writing aro-ace main characters in Ruarnon Trilogy and Sythe Series, was writing the rep I never had. Rep I could have benefited so much from.
Nonbinary
By my early twenties, it took ages to realise I’d presented too feminine, too many days in a row. When I dressed that way, it inclined me to behave feminine, even when I didn’t feel it. People tended to positively reinforce my feminine presentation with compliments. And this became a cycle of presenting more feminine than I felt, not expressing my gender often enough, and so feeling muted/ emotionally flat.
It took a while to realise that I liked running daily, and felt better doing it wearing baggy, androgenous or masculine clothing. And that I needed to wear PANTs (trousers for British readers) sometimes. That was as balanced as my wardrobe got in my twenties, and it skewed towards feminine and not quite comfortable.
I also felt like I had to speak with a higher pitched, more feminine voice. Like speaking in the deeper tone natural to my height could be seen as ‘hostile’ or unfriendly. Again, subtle ways people around me responded, probably subconsciously, likely influenced this. And me feeling I had to behave the way the world showed people of my biological sex behaving.
I didn’t question any of it much, or explore it, or know anyone who did. Or didn’t read stories or see books about gender nonconformity beyond the occasional ‘tomboy’. I was blundering around, being myself through sheer trial and error, too little self reflection. (Though luckily, with a strong sense of adventure, willingness to take risks and autistic tendency to perceive other people’s expectations as illogical, and therefore dismissible.)
Aro-Ace and Nonbinary Reference Points
In writing aromantic, asexual characters, whose experiences are similar too, and in some ways diverge from my own, I hope to give readers the point of reference my generation didn’t have. To allow other people who feel different, but don’t understand how or why, points of comparison. And give them the chance to see and reflect upon themself. To develop a clearer understanding of who they are. Or the chance to recognise traits of people they know, to understand that person better.
Having been in many queer and neurodivergent conversations online, discussing our traits has helped SO MANY of us realise who we are. Comparing differences and similarities can help you know for eg; yes I am aromantic, but not asexual, etc. The more you see of people like and unlike yourself, the more chances you have to notice and better understand yourself, and or other people.
Wait, I’m Queer & My Main Characters Are Too?
Having had the above online interactions, found my labels, identities and claimed my place in the queer community in my early thirties; it was my characters’ turn. I got to understand why Ruarnon was ‘a different, nebulous kind of masculine’ -because they’re actually nonbinary!
And while I didn’t understand that Linh was fiercely, independently and happily single, because she’s the kind of aro-ace whose disinterested in romance and sex, I had fun writing her. Writing someone who went about living her own life, undefined by her relationship to others (something I’ve since learnt some women find challenging). And I enjoyed writing Ruarnon, to whom platonic friendships are dear.
In writing two aro-ace, romantic and sexual relationship disinterested characters, I had the chance to develop a whole friendship group. To let those friends get to know each other well, so well they could predict how the other would solve problems (something I played with in War in Sorcery’s Shadow). In other words; to show that for some people a friendship group is all the companionship, understanding and fulfilment they need. That no, everyone DOES NOT need a romantic or sexual relationship to be happy.
Breaking Allo Romantic & Allo Sexual Molds
The ‘everyone will fall in love and get married and have kids line’ that gen Y and earlier were sold created PROBLEMS for many aromantic and asexual people. I knew that when I felt some form of attraction to boys; it was different. Because I was never as ‘into’ them as they were into me. I hesitated to date anyone, for fear of breaking their hearts. And I wanted to (and did) dedicate my time to things I was interested in; writing SFF, travel, teaching etc.
But having spoken to many aro and ace people online, I suspect I’m an exception, not the norm. Many aro and ace people did date. They did (and some still do) have relationships. And don’t feel the same way their partners feel or behave in the romantically attracted, sexually attracted, interested in both of relationships way society portrays as ‘normal’. And that’s led plenty of aro and ace people to feel ‘broken’ or like something is ‘wrong’ with them or they don’t ‘love properly’. In an aro and ace representation void; that’s a too easy conclusion to draw.
You CAN be Aromantic or Asexual, Happy & Whole!
I think it’s important that I’ve portrayed Linh as a whole, happy person, while being a happily single girl. That I’ve portrayed Ruarnon feeling complete and content in their platonic friendships. That despite both not experiencing romantic love; their love for platonic friends and care for others throughout Ruarnon Trilogy is clear, dispelling the misconception that aro people are ‘unloving’ or ‘uncaring.’
For me, aro and ace rep isn’t just a case of; guess what humans, some of us do not experience romantic or sexual attraction! And some of them are not even interested in romantic and sexual relationships. And that’s ok! (Yeah, fundamentalist Christians can stick their sexist, misogynist expectations up their arses. Tell them I said so if you like!) It’s also that writing aro and ace characters is a chance to portray how aro and ace people can lead whole and happy lives. To counter misconceptions and self doubt. I hope I do both well!
Queer Platonic Relationships
I wanted to go further. Because romantic relationships and platonic friendships/ family relationships aren’t the only ones that exist. There’s also queer platonic relationships. In my new series, Rarkin isn’t sexually attracted or romantically attracted to another character. But why does he always notice how that character smiles? What are these feelings? What kind of relationship does he want?!
These were themes I also wanted to explore, so Sythe Series, by book 2, Countering the Hands of Crime, dives into a queer platonic relationship (alongside completing a rogue crime boss arc). Again, its about writing a more complete view of the human experience of relationships. Of letting people of lesser known, poorer understood identities see their relationships on the page. Of giving readers who do experience sexual and romantic attraction, and possibly don’t understand or are unfamiliar with queer platonic relationships, some insight into relationships beyond their lived experience.
(I qualify that with the fact VERY neurodivergent communication is just as much a defining feature of said relationship, so it isn’t just aro-ace and gay; it’s also very neurodivergent.)
Writing Nonbinary Rep
I published Manipulator’s War in April 2022, within memory of some cis people replying to my tweet about preferring to be referred to as they/them with polite confusion. Writing a nonbinary main character mattered to me from a general awareness of gender diversity perspective. Again, giving cis readers the chance to perceive the world through nonbinary eyes, and nonbinary readers the chance to see themselves on the pages of books was important to me. Giving people examples and reference points to understand themselves and others mattered.
I still treasure reviews like this one from Bookbub: Okay, first and foremost, I have to say thank you for this book. In all honesty, while there are some books that have queer representation, and more are coming, it’s rare that there are characters that are like me. Watching this non-binary human take on their challenges was so inspiring and kept me completely hooked.
And reviews in which the (cis) reader was interested in reading a book written from a nonbinary perspective.
But with the hysteria about trans women in the UK and US, the two governments having chosen to make trans women scapegoats for anger about end stage capitalism, democracy and each government’s shitfuckery (a term borrowed from Juice Media)… you’d be forgiven for forgetting that trans masc and nonbinary people exist. That we’re still here, queer, and like trans women; we aren’t going anywhere!
So in 2026, promoting Ruarnon Trilogy with its nonbinary main character Ruarnon, and writing a nonbinary pov character in Sythe Series is also an act of protest, and resistance.
Move Over; We’re Taking Centre Stage!
There’s one more important point about writing aromantic, asexual, nonbinary characters, as an author who shares all three of those identities. With forty years of lived experience, I don’t have the confines of a cis gender, alloromantic, allosexual author merely wishing to include these characters. I have the knowledge, understanding and insight to put these characters on centre stage. To centre their lived experiences, including their romantic and sexual orientations and gender identity, and how these impact other areas of their lives. (And their autistic and ADHD-ness too.)
In Ruarnon Trilogy in particular, Ruarnon being Tarlah’s first nonbinary heir influences the way they approach plot problems; navigating war, diplomacy and peace. Their refusal to pay heed to binary gender norms influences who they take advice from, and appoint to high office. It helps them to navigate and avoid mistakes (male) rulers before them have made.
Meanwhile, the fact they aren’t besotted with or distracted by the romantic love of their life (and likely their strong autistic sense of social justice), is a big influence on Linh, Ruarnon and Rarkin. The fact you mainly see the former two, and still frequently see the latter interact with friends, acquaintances and strangers showcases their independence, care and compassion for others. How better to make it clear that aromantic, asexual and nonbinary people exist, and can be happy and whole humans, than by writing them as main characters of the stories I tell?!
[Neurodivergent and Disability Note: while I’m also passionate about autism and ADHD rep and have included such main characters in Ruarnon Trilogy and Sythe Series, I’ve only been chronically ill for four years. Writing Fantasy and SciFi Fantasy has been my escape from fatigue and chronic pain in real life, so I’m not yet ready to write a chronically ill main character. But I hope to do so in my third series, which I hope to begin publishing in 2029, after finishing Sythe Series in 2028.]
